Sunday, June 20, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Always Something That Needs to Be Done!
Why does it seem that everything has to be done at once. The brand new air-conditioner has been making a high-pitched whistle every time it is on. It was 90 today, so that was pretty much all day! We've had problems with our landscaping company, and the owner won't call me back. Am I THAT scary at only 5'4"? Idiots! Also, youngest needs to have an x-ray of his neck for his pulmonologist ASAP! I had to make an appt. for Tot's Kindergarten physical.; I still can't talk about my baby going to school. My boys need swim lessons again, and I have yet to turn in the forms. Sorted through clothes for Goodwill, and dropped those off, but now need to sort through toys. Jeez, have my kids accumulated stuff! After going through the mudroom, the room where everything is just thrown, I found the dress-shirts my husband needs for an important conference. Brought those to the dry cleaner. Will pick-up tomorrow. Found new gym shoes for S. since his toe went through the top of his old shoes. Signed Tot up for Soccer, and forgot to bring his birth certificate. Had to go back, and he is now all set! I'm leading a part of VBS at our church. I had to go yesterday to make sure everything was sorted. I ordered pictures through Shutterfly, and I now have to put them in albums. I've never gotten to go shorts shopping yet. I think that's why I end up wearing the same year after year...
I have made a lot of progress though. I've learned to prioritize each job. Everything I cross off my list makes me feel good. It's a lot of work. I thought the baby days were full. Now my days are full of boy/kid things. It's not less satisfying, it's just different, and change is not my strong-point.
I have made a lot of progress though. I've learned to prioritize each job. Everything I cross off my list makes me feel good. It's a lot of work. I thought the baby days were full. Now my days are full of boy/kid things. It's not less satisfying, it's just different, and change is not my strong-point.
Monday, June 14, 2010
The Past and the Present
I haven't really known what to write here lately. Ever since I found out that a person from the small town I lived in for 4 1/2 years, was reading I've been afraid of saying something too personal. I know, I know, I've been writing personal things here for over four years, but knowing that a person who knows me is reading just feels weird. What makes it worse is I don't know who this person is. I only know they're from the very small town I left long ago.
I only know a few people who still live in small town, a very few---like two. The people that I hung out with have been long gone from there, and don't miss it a bit. So if one of those people were reading I don't really think they'd be writing down that they are from the town they are glad to be away from, but who knows for certain. Which leaves me to people I dated, one in particular, or friends of his that I don't know if they're still there or what. There are just things I don't want people to know. I know that a friend of his could be reading and then tells him or someone I forgot about. I think generally we all want to show people from our past how wonderful we are doing without them, or leaving a town so small that the one time, recently, I drove in there, I developed anxiety big time.
It was this anxiety that caused me to rethink my relationship all those years ago. I am not a person who likes nature, which is not a good way to be since nature abounds there. I am not a person who ever wanted to get pregnant in high school, or soon after, and get married. To expect that would be my life. I am not a person who can live in an area that seems so depressed. There's not a lot of jobs there, and what there is are not what I'd want to do. I went to college, and all of my friends who did, are gone. I felt like I never belonged, or did for only a few years , but I wasn't like anyone there. I like bigger towns and all that entails...dare I say that? I just wanted more. I knew I'd never be happy there, so I had to let go of the past. The past that included my long-time boyfriend. I loved it here, and we were just too different.
So, you see, I don't want those people to know I had trouble getting pregnant, or experienced depression or anything that would make people think that I'm not the person I wanted to be. That life in 'the big city' isn't going so well. That I somehow failed. Who would?
What I would like those people to see is my wonderful husband. The perfect man for me. My rock. I would like them to see would a nice life I have. Other than my mom dying, this is pretty much how I'd always wanted it to be. To see that I graduated college and became what I'd always wanted and said I'd become. A teacher. To see that I worked in one of the most coveted districts in the state, and did very well thank-you-very-much. To see that I left my career knowing full well I was leaving that job, and may never return to it again. To see I did it for two beautiful little boys that may make me crazy, but ultimately are two of the greatest joys of my life. To see that even though I said I would always work, that nothing makes me happier than being with them. To see we live in a nice area, house, with wonderful neighbors. The kind that talk to one another in front of our houses when it's warm. Who have helped in unimaginable ways. To see that I really did marry the man of my dreams. We are so alike in all the big stuff, like finances and raising the kids well. To see I am more than infertility and depression. I am a whole person. I've come a long way baby...
I only know a few people who still live in small town, a very few---like two. The people that I hung out with have been long gone from there, and don't miss it a bit. So if one of those people were reading I don't really think they'd be writing down that they are from the town they are glad to be away from, but who knows for certain. Which leaves me to people I dated, one in particular, or friends of his that I don't know if they're still there or what. There are just things I don't want people to know. I know that a friend of his could be reading and then tells him or someone I forgot about. I think generally we all want to show people from our past how wonderful we are doing without them, or leaving a town so small that the one time, recently, I drove in there, I developed anxiety big time.
It was this anxiety that caused me to rethink my relationship all those years ago. I am not a person who likes nature, which is not a good way to be since nature abounds there. I am not a person who ever wanted to get pregnant in high school, or soon after, and get married. To expect that would be my life. I am not a person who can live in an area that seems so depressed. There's not a lot of jobs there, and what there is are not what I'd want to do. I went to college, and all of my friends who did, are gone. I felt like I never belonged, or did for only a few years , but I wasn't like anyone there. I like bigger towns and all that entails...dare I say that? I just wanted more. I knew I'd never be happy there, so I had to let go of the past. The past that included my long-time boyfriend. I loved it here, and we were just too different.
So, you see, I don't want those people to know I had trouble getting pregnant, or experienced depression or anything that would make people think that I'm not the person I wanted to be. That life in 'the big city' isn't going so well. That I somehow failed. Who would?
What I would like those people to see is my wonderful husband. The perfect man for me. My rock. I would like them to see would a nice life I have. Other than my mom dying, this is pretty much how I'd always wanted it to be. To see that I graduated college and became what I'd always wanted and said I'd become. A teacher. To see that I worked in one of the most coveted districts in the state, and did very well thank-you-very-much. To see that I left my career knowing full well I was leaving that job, and may never return to it again. To see I did it for two beautiful little boys that may make me crazy, but ultimately are two of the greatest joys of my life. To see that even though I said I would always work, that nothing makes me happier than being with them. To see we live in a nice area, house, with wonderful neighbors. The kind that talk to one another in front of our houses when it's warm. Who have helped in unimaginable ways. To see that I really did marry the man of my dreams. We are so alike in all the big stuff, like finances and raising the kids well. To see I am more than infertility and depression. I am a whole person. I've come a long way baby...
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Happy Mother's Day!
If you still have your mom, give her a hug or call. We aren't promised anything in life.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
The Club No one Wants To Join
What can I say to a woman who lost her mom a month ago? Should I tell her that the first year is the hardest, even though it's only been a month? Should I tell her it sucks that your mom won't see your children grow up, and in my case, won't even meet my youngest? Should I tell her that you can try to make yourself busy, but you can't avoid the pain forever. Should I tell her how it's the smallest things that just pop up that make her cry. It could be a store they went in to together, or the realization that she can't just call her mom up anymore. Should I tell her that even though it's been years, I still cry and feel that pit in my stomach when I miss her? Should I tell her the holidays suck, and if it wasn't for my kids, I wouldn't even celebrate them? Should I tell her how there will always be regret of what you didn't do, no matter how many people tell you it isn't true? Should I tell her how the day her mother died will be ingrained in her memory forever?
Should I tell her how much it hurts when I tell my boys about my mom, but they'll never meet her. Should I tell her about the day we were by a church that bells ring on the hour? Should I tell her that previously I told them how much my mom loved those bells. Should I tell her how my boys said to me,"Mommy, do you think Grandma Debbie can still hear the bells? How I have tears in my eyes now as I type this?
Should I tell her grief physically hits your body making, at times, not able to get things done? It's just too overwhelming. Should I tell her that I sniffed my mom's clothes so I could remember her? Should I tell her that it sucks that her mother isn't alive, and it will never stop sucking? Should I tell her about the time I told the boys we were going to the cemetery to see Grandma Debbie, and when we were at her grave, Tot said to me,"Mom, where is Grandma Debbie?" He didn't understand why he couldn't see her? Should I tell her that just last week, on the 7th anniversary on my mom's death, I had to tell Tot why he shouldn't stand on top of the mounds of dirt? S. and I tried to explain to him that people's bodies are underneath the ground. He didn't buy it, and recited the whole resurrection of Jesus, and how when the rock was taken away there was no body of Jesus.
Should I tell her it's lonely being without your mom, her right hand? Should I tell her how hard it is to see the world just going on even though she feels like she can't breathe. She misses her mom that much. Should I tell her how she will feel like staying in bed, or at least, feel overwhelmed even though there is no more on her 'mom plate' that usual.
Sure I can tell her all of those things, but this grief is hers, and she just has to grieve it in her way. I can tell her, however, that I will be there no matter what. She has officially become a member of the dead mother's club. A group no one wants to become a member of. No one...
Should I tell her how much it hurts when I tell my boys about my mom, but they'll never meet her. Should I tell her about the day we were by a church that bells ring on the hour? Should I tell her that previously I told them how much my mom loved those bells. Should I tell her how my boys said to me,"Mommy, do you think Grandma Debbie can still hear the bells? How I have tears in my eyes now as I type this?
Should I tell her grief physically hits your body making, at times, not able to get things done? It's just too overwhelming. Should I tell her that I sniffed my mom's clothes so I could remember her? Should I tell her that it sucks that her mother isn't alive, and it will never stop sucking? Should I tell her about the time I told the boys we were going to the cemetery to see Grandma Debbie, and when we were at her grave, Tot said to me,"Mom, where is Grandma Debbie?" He didn't understand why he couldn't see her? Should I tell her that just last week, on the 7th anniversary on my mom's death, I had to tell Tot why he shouldn't stand on top of the mounds of dirt? S. and I tried to explain to him that people's bodies are underneath the ground. He didn't buy it, and recited the whole resurrection of Jesus, and how when the rock was taken away there was no body of Jesus.
Should I tell her it's lonely being without your mom, her right hand? Should I tell her how hard it is to see the world just going on even though she feels like she can't breathe. She misses her mom that much. Should I tell her how she will feel like staying in bed, or at least, feel overwhelmed even though there is no more on her 'mom plate' that usual.
Sure I can tell her all of those things, but this grief is hers, and she just has to grieve it in her way. I can tell her, however, that I will be there no matter what. She has officially become a member of the dead mother's club. A group no one wants to become a member of. No one...
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