Wednesday, July 27, 2005

I'm Overwhelmed!

Yesterday these things happened all at the same time: Ryan screamed to be fed, Steve cried for attention, the dog was whining, and the phone kept continuously ringing as I was preparing Ryan's food. ALL AT THE SAME TIME PEOPLE! I wanted to crawl in a hole. So many people wanted me at the same time. Ryan won, being the youngest and all.
Speaking of Ryan, I have been feeling intense guilt over the fact that I cannot spend the time with him that I spent with Steve when he was a baby. I feel like I'm constantly putting him somewhere, the pack n' play, the bouncy seat, the swing, the I can do something else that needs to be done, like feed Steve, do laundry, etc..... I feel like I am failing him as a parent. I feel like I am doing well with Steve, but I feel Ryan gets jipped. I also feel like I am getting jipped. I have no time for myself anymore. My husband is fantastic, so it's not that he doesn't try to give me my own time, most of the time, but it seems like we both always have a kid with us. Does anyone else feel this way?????
I just feel like something is always lacking, whether it's the laundry, the constant clean-up, or TRYING to phone friends. Sometimes I feel like I am out of the loop with my moms group because I am not making much of an effort to stay in touch. I am just so tired that if it is between taking a nap or calling a friend, I'd sooner take the nap. Not that I get to take long, heavenly naps anymore. Hell, I am happy when Steve is napping and Ryan's being quiet. Sometimes I just feel like enjoying the silence, but then I feel like I miss having that close girlfriend. I know I need to make more of an effort than just going to the weekly events or the hundredth birthday party, but I am just so damn tired and emotionally spent AND OVERWHELMED!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

My Little Ryan Among Other Things

We went to Ryan's 2 month check-up complete with the lovely FOUR shots! Ryan handled it well, as did Stephen who was very confused as to why he wasn't the one getting naked. Steve is not afraid of going to the doctor, or really, anywhere for that matter. At any rate, Ry-Ry weighs 12 pounds, 8 ounces already, and is 22 1/4 inches tall. For reference sake, Steve was 22 inches at birth. So now I am looking at Ryan wondering how in the hell did Steve ever fit inside me. Remember, I am not a big woman. However, Steve weighed almost exactly the same at the same age as Ryan, he was just 2 inches taller.

As Ryan was getting his shots I said to him that I know how he felt; I did IVF. I don't know why doctors and nurses don't know what IVF is until you say in vitro, but they don't; it has happened several times to me. I have to say in vitro or forget it, they look at me like I'm speaking a foreign language. Anyway, I was asked how many shots I had to have, and I said around 70 which is actually a lot less than I really had. Jeff and I did a count. He gave me 63 progesterone injections, and I gave myself around 40-50 shots. I can't really remember since there would be between two-4 shots each day. It varied. Yah, it was LOTS of fun! The doctor looks at me and asked me if it was worth it. I got this huge smile on my face, felt that warm and fuzzy feeling, and replied, "Definitely."

When I read my journal entries from last year, I can almost feel the feelings of despair, frustration and utter sadness. I don't understand how I could have forgotten exactly how that felt, but I have. I feel like I have crossed over to the other side. I am done with having babies; I am done with infertility. It has been such a part of my life for so long that it feels strange NOT to be thinking about it. Some days I think to myself, 'What time do I have to go in to Dr. S's?', and then I remember I don't have to go to Dr. S's any longer. I haven't had a vaginal ultrasound since October. I have only had between 4-5 bloodtests since then as well, including when I gave birth. It's weird. I think momoftwo, sorry forgot how to link, said it felt surreal and I agree. I also feel relief...... and it feels so good. I don't get the questions about when I am going to have children, am I going to have ANOTHER child and when anymore. I do, however, get the 'Are you going to try for the girl?' question ALL THE TIME! And when I say no, some people actually say, ' So you're NEVER going to have a girl?' Um, no. That's right. And really people, even if it was easy for me to get pregnant and we decided to 'try' for the girl, is there really any guarantee we would have a girl. No, that's what I thought. So for those of you who have both a girl and a boy, be happy that you are spared that lovely question because it gets old and quite annoying after awhile. BUT, it is still better than the questions we used to receive, and for that I am grateful.

We are also searching for a part-time sitter, I hestitate to say nanny like some of my friends do, to help me out. I can only explain why we are doing this briefly. We can no longer for sanity's sake rely on a certain person who has been 'helping', which is a relative term isn't it?, to help me any longer. And with the PPD, some 'help' is a good idea. Not that I can't do it myself, because I can, but it has been suggested to me that it would be beneficial for my recovery to hire someone. I only will have this person come two days a week, and maybe one evening so Jeff and I can have some time to foster our own relationship which will benefit us all. I am calling my church tomorrow as well as my former christian college. Hopefully, we will find someone that won't break our bank. We have decided to forgo some other things to make this happen. It is necessary. I wish my mom was alive to help, but she's not and I just have to accept this is the best way to go. I wish I could say more, but let's just say an incident similar to the one Kelly at the woman wonders experienced awhile back would likely occur, and I just don't need that stress right now. So if any of you have ever hired someone, please tell me how you found your sitter/nanny, and what questions etc. I need to ask. My children have never had a sitter outside of our family, except the woman at our church's nursery on Sunday mornings. I know, I know, it's time. It's definitely time.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Hail to the Mini-van!

Okay, just yesterday I realized just why it was that I wanted a mini-van in the first place. One word.....SPACE! Yesterday I borrowed Jeff's Honda Accord, my old car, and brought little Ryan with me on errands. Here is my gripe with the Accord...the trunk. In my van I can fit two strollers, one being the huge double stroller, groceries and still have room left over. Now yesterday I only had to fit one single, regular stroller. It did fit, but there was not a lot of extra room. Plus, putting the carrier into the car with the little guy in it was a little rougher too. I'm used to being able to get into the van and secure it with little effort. I also have automatic doors on the van which is really a nice convenience! Oh, and I really like sitting higher. I am short, and in the van I just feel like I can see so much more. Okay, so the van does have its advantages. However, I am still getting rid of it when the boys get to the age where I am not hauling so much crap around. That car will probably be an SUV, because I really love sitting up high. Remember I am short, short, short!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

No More Mini-Vans Please!

Why do senior citizens own mini-vans? Is it a midwestern thing or are mini-vans popular among all senior citizens everywhere? I mean they obviously don't have kids, in most circumstances, and are they really hauling big loads of things all the time that requires a larger vehicle? I have told Jeff that when I am in that age bracket, and the kids are both out of the house, I am finally getting the type of car I have always wanted. There will be no mini-van, 'family sedan' or anything that connotates the need to carry around large loads of crap along with two children. No, mine will scream 'woman who sacrificed everything and thus deserves this sporty little thing she's driving.' No, I will not be having a mid-life crisis, because I figure by the time I can afford the car of my dreams I'll definitely be beyond the mid-life portion of my life. So tomorrow, Jeff will get into his 'family sedan', and I will get into my Odyssey mini-van that I wanted to have so badly we had to order it three years ago!, and I will be dreaming of the time when I can finally unload this big load of metal. I can dream, right?

Sunday, July 10, 2005

A Summary of the Week

Now that Jeff is feeding Ryan, I can post an entry. Sorry that I've been so lax about doing that lately. However, I do have a good reason. We have been busy, busy, busy.....

We have had parent/tot swimming every night last week and will again this week. We chose the night session since A.) I will NOT be wearing a swimsuit at 7 weeks postpartum. and B.) Jeff can go with and into the water if we do the night session. So our weeknights have consisted of gettting everyone dressed and fed, bags packed, and get the heck in the car! I have taken Steve to this class for the past two years in the morning, so I am a little jealous of Jeff being able to take him in the water, but did I mention that I am NOT getting into a swimsuit at 7 weeks postpartum in a PUBLIC pool.! So I am the parent that sits on the side and takes all the pictures. Essentially I am the husband/father. Sorry, I couldn't resist that one! Ryan is so good at class. He usually just sleeps. I love this kid!

Last week we were only home one day. Wednesday we went to Jeff's work for lunch. I tell you I feel like such a yuppy SAHM when I visit his office. He works in one of those corporate high rises with people milling about. Usually, I have just walked in with Steve holding my hand. Not this time, however. I had to wheel that monster of a stroller into the office building. I am sorry, but this double stroller is HUGE! Well, they all are, but something about taking it to the mall with other moms just doesn't make it feel quite so big. As I am walking I think to myself,'I used to BE you people, but then I wanted to be the ME I am now. The SAHM.' All the years of infertility where I would dream of wheeling in a double stroller and here I was now feeling lower than the workers there because I am a SAHM. Heck, I'm just as educated as they all are, if not more. At any rate, everyone oohed and ahhed over Ryan and one of the secretaries that I love played and took care of Steve so I could eat lunch and feed Ryan. So nice. I know everyone there since Jeff has been there awhile, so I feel comfortable there. Well, except when Jeff's boss met up with us and asked how I was doing. He is one of the few people who know about the PPD, and he approved Jeff taking extra time off when he needed to be with me. I guess I still feel like people see mental illness as a weakness, and I do not like being seen as weak. Silly, huh?
On Thursday we met my dad for lunch at a local eatery. Of course, little Ry-Ry, as we call him, had a major blowout and I had no spare outfit for him. He sat in his carrier in a diaper with a blanket over him. Luckily, it has been warm here. I am happy to say this didn't phase me.

Friday, we had a birthday party/playdate to go to. Steve did not listen to me, so we left early. I told him this would happen if he didn't listen to mommy. What did Steve do? He walked out of their house alone among other things. This was the worst though. And I don't mess around when it comes to safety. I am sure they were happy to see us go since Steve announced his arrival by letting their 100 pound dog out. Do you know how hard it is to get a 100 pound dog back into the place he should be when he doesn't want to go? I could have killed Steve, figuratively not literally, of course. Plus, there was a child there that is deathly afraid of dogs. UGH!!!!! And Ryan was crying to be fed. I tell you, taking care of two kids is harder than I had anticipated. Now if we are at home or at a store, it's easy. Easier than I had thought it would be, but going to someone's house is hard! How do you get a toddler to listen?????

Yesterday, a couple who we've been friends with for a long time and had moved, came to visit. Their kids and Steve play so well together. We had a great time. We actually made it to church today, and have made the commitment now that Ryan is getting older to continue to do so. I forgot how much I had missed it. Afterwards, Jeff's parents took Steve for the day and Jeff, Ryan and I went to lunch and then to the store. I finally bought some new glasses, sunglasses too!!! I haven't bought new sunglasses since I got married, and our 7th anniversary is next week! So, yah, it was necessary! They are trendy, and I don't care. (I usually only buy 'classic' frames so I don't have to waste money buying a new pair every year. I have a prescription, so it can get expensive.) Jeff said they have an Audrey Hepburn look to them. I got the more expensive kind because Jeff has a vision plan where we get a discount, so I didn't spend any more than I planned. Yeh! If the hurricane doesn't strike their distribution plant in Florida, I'll get them in 3-5 days. So hurricane Dennis, if you're listening, please don't hit this place!

Tomorrow I have my psych. appt. I don't know if I'm doing much better than 2 weeks ago or if I am just adjusting. A few days ago I would have told you I didn't think I was doing better. Friday through today I feel better, but maybe because it's the weekend and I have Jeff home. Hopefully, they can tell me. My therapist feels I can cut back on the extra 'help'. Last week I didn't have any, and it was nice just being the boys and me. More normal. I felt more in control of our days because we were only working on my schedule. I was the one who was with them the entire day, not just for snippets here and there. When I have therapy, it is in the evening and Jeff is able to watch them, which is good.

Okay, it is time dinner. Got to feed my boys!

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Another Reason I Love My Husband....

I love him for buying Stephen a Cubs hat when he is a Sox fan. Trust me, it's a big deal around here. I am a Cubs fan, Jeff is a Sox fan, and somehow we manage to cohabitat:)

I should mention that I am horrified about the attacks on London today. May the Lord be with the people of London.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Sweet Moment of the Day...

My son yelled to me, "I love you, Mama!" as he walked upstairs with my husband to start the going to bed routine. Made my heart turn to mush, and reminded me why I became a mom in the first place. I love you Stevie!