Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Things I Don't Understand

Tonight we went to dinner with Jeff's parents and aunt and uncle. They made a reservation for first available. Of course, we ended up getting a table off the bar that is clearly smoking. No one was smoking when we got there, so I decided to let it go. Let me also mention it was two for one pasta night, so there was no chance of moving unless we wanted to wait another 20-30 minutes. As those of you with toddlers know, that ain't gonna happen! After about 10 minutes this couple comes in, and yes, starts smoking, at the table right next to us. Now the room we are in only has four tables, so you can imagine how much smoke was blowing our way. I have always hated smoke, even when I was doing the whole 'teenage smoking thing'. It was funny, I used to comment that smoking the cigarette myself bothered me much less than being exposed to it second-hand. But I digress. Now my son is sitting there ingesting this smoke, as am I, 8 months pregnant me. Believe me, I am so big these people knew I was pregnant. However, I am aware we were in the smoking section, so these people had every right to smoke there. I was more upset by the lack of thought by whomever in Jeff's family made the reservation. Even when I am not pregnant, we will still have young kids, and I do NOT want them exposed unnecessarily to smoke. Jeff's grandma died from emphysema, and my mom had cancer, so I just am even more sensitive to the issue of second-hand smoke.

Another bad thing about the smoke is that I came home smelling REALLY bad, as did Jeff and Stephen. I can still taste it in my throat---YUK! It also doesn't help that I have the sense of smell of a bloodhound right now. But seriously, why would they make a reservation for smoking knowing that Stephen and I were coming? I just don't get it.

Next time I will post about Easter. I have some things to share, but not the time in which to do it in right now.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Strollers and Games and Onesies, Oh My!

Today was a good day. The sun was shining, the weather warmer and my baby boy happy. I went to my OB appt. and my doctor was not there. He had a delivery, but the nurse saw me. She handed me a sealed envelope containing all of the info. I needed for my 3 hour GTT test. I am still not going to take it, and by my next appt., at which time I'll be 34 weeks pregnant, I don't think it'll be an issue any longer. The nurse today was so nice. And Steve, well, he must be getting used to my appointments because he just pointed to the little TV in the exam room and said,"Elmo." So we turned on PBS for him, and he was quite happy with that. Well, that and a copy of a 'Bob the Bui*der' book. Steve just loves books! Steve was excellent, and I was so proud of his behavior. Baby Boy is doing well too. His heartbeat in the 140's, and moving, moving, moving! It is starting to feel so real to me that in less than 2 months my little baby boy will be here. I can't wait!

Steve and I went to Toys R' Us afterwards. I needed to get him his Easter goodies, and he is luckily still at the age where he doesn't realize what I'm buying at the store. I got him an Elmo puzzle, a bucket full of 'Barrel O' Monkeys, and a toy Graco stroller----in BLUE. As much as I feel I am an open person, I just couldn't buy Steve a pink toy stroller. Steve just loves putting his Elmo into all my friends' daughters' toy strollers. We bought him a shopping cart thinking that he just liked to push something, but no, given a choice between the two Steve will pick the toy stroller every time. And that's fine. I bought him a doll a few weeks back, a BOY doll---didn't have those when I was growing up, to teach him how to handle a baby. So I am more than OK with him having a stroller, and so is Jeff. Now the grandfathers, well, that's another story altogether!

Our Toys R' Us has also moved clothes into its stores. They had their Cart*rs layette on sale, and for once, I actually let myself buy mutliple items. I am starting to really believe there is a baby boy coming home with me SOON. It feels so good!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

It's All Sunshine and Roses Here

Things were going better today. I told myself I needed to try my best to have a better attitude or I'd never get through the next 7-8 weeks. Steve was wonderful in the church nursery today. Unfortunately he ran away from me in the parking lot. I only dropped his hand to open the car door, and I had him positioned between me and the car. Well, he got away and I ran after him. All the while there are two elderly women laughing, no doubt remembering these days themselves. We had to make a few stops and Steve was excellent; he is always great when you take him out.

When we got home, I took out the mix for banana bread, which he loves, and let him help me pour in the ingredients and stir. I am trying to do fun activities with him thinking maybe he needs more positive attention. He loves it, and lunch goes well too. I put him down for his nap, and am feeling more hopeful. Until the phone rings.

It's my doctor's office. To preface this, let me tell you that I finally took my 1 hour diabetes test this past Sunday. Better late than never. Well, after I ate a donut and granola bar, I remembered I had to take the test. Since I can never get someone to watch Steve, and I can't see taking him to a one-hour test, I just decided to go. Jeff was with him, so I felt I had no choice. I told Jeff that if I failed I knew why, and I wasn't taking that 3-hour test again. I had to with Steve, and I hated it. So guess what? Yep, I failed the one-hour glucose test by almost exactly the same amount as I failed it with Steve. BTW, I know how I failed it with Steve too. Apple juice and sweets are not a good thing to ingest before this test. So knowing how awful the 3-hour was, and how I passed that with flying colors, I told Jeff I wasn't going to do the three-hour. I failed by a small amount, and if I really felt I had diabetes I would take it, but I don't. And having gone through this exact same thing with Steve, and having passed the three hour with stellar results, I feel I am making the right decision. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and plan to let him know my decision. I'm sure he'll love it, but too bad. The nurse told me I have to go on a special diet and fast for 12 hours before the test. I'll let her explain it all to me, but I won't do it. So I'll be doing the old AMA thing; against medical advice. What a rebel I am. UGH!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

What a Day!

My lovely little boy is definitely testing my patience. I am having a hell of a time getting around these days, and I never understood the pain from a sciatic nerve, but I do now!

Today my miracle boy opened up the back door and helped himself to the backyard, which he knows he shouldn't be doing. I am sure the neighbors got a big laugh out of seeing 8 month pregnant me running after my son who is carrying an assortment of Elmo stuffed animals. Did I also mention that it was 30 degrees outside and neither one of us were wearing our coats! In fact, I only had a short-sleeved t-shirt on; I seem to be hot all the time, except when I'm running after my son outside on a very cold day! I am just so disgusted. I seriously don't know what to do with him. He's been in time out, I slapped his diaper-clad bottom, heck I even put Elmo in a simultaneous time-out, all to no avail. This kid doesn't seem to care what punishment he receives. I also know that I am feeling really crappy lately, thus I am not my usual patient self, which is not helping, believe me, I know. The kicker is this is Jeff's busy season, so as much as he'd like to be home to help me out, he just can't be. Yes, I like to pay my bills:) I am just getting so angry and frustrated, and have no one to yell at. No outlet. I feel very hormonal right now, which I know is the pregnancy. It's just I am 8 months pregnant with a baby who is breech and lying VERY low, I can't sleep, I have no energy, and a two-year old who has more than enough energy for the both of us, and a husband who is never home. I keep telling myself, not much longer, but seriously it is starting to feel like it will never end. Aern't I just the picture of sunshine or what?!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Can I Have Your Opinion?

On Sunday, we went to my brother's. Every time I went to pick up my son, my SIL warned me not to. She cited premature labor, yada, yada... I said to her that I do this everyday when I'm alone. Steve does get into his carseat himself as well as the highchair, but I still need to lift him to the changing table and into his crib (remember we're still waiting for his bed).

When I was pregnant with Steve, I let everyone do everything for me because I was so scared of something going wrong. Now that I've birthed a healthy baby and need to take care of him, I do more. OK, a lot more. So my question to you is: should I not be picking Steve up AT ALL like my SIL says? Am I being careless or reckless endangering myself and baby of going into premature labor if I do this? Anybody?????

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

They're Going To the Chapel and.....

They're going to get marr-rrr-ied.........

Yes, my father has officially decided that the woman he's been seeing for a few months now is the one for him. He has proposed, and J., has accepted. I got the 'She'll never be your mother' speech, and was asked how I feel about it all. Truth? I told him when he first started dating her that he better not screw this up. (We tease each other in my family. It's how we show our love:)
I really do like J. I told my dad that she seems like a person my mom would have been friends with. She was also married to a man who died of cancer, and they were married over 25 years. She enjoyed being a wife as much as my dad enjoyed being a husband. They have similiar interests, also. I believe, from what I've seen thus far, that they are a good match.

On Sunday, I met her two daughters, or as Jeff likes to tease me, my two stepsisters. "You always wanted a sister, Bev." "Yah, well not in this way, and not when I was 32!" Anyway. S. and A. are both in their early 20's, and seemed very nice. It seemed like another 'good fit'. So we shall see. They are trying to set a date in September. Being chunky pregnant right now, I already have thought about how much time I will have to lose my weight. Answer? Four months. I know I'll still be carrying some weight, but 4 months is better than the 2 they were originally thinking about!
I am officially 30 weeks into this pregnancy. Sometimes I forget, not that I'm big pregnant, but that my life is going to change SOON. Case in point. I went to sign Steve up for the next session of tumbling class. It didn't even occur to me that I would give birth before the session ends. At any rate, the owner asks me if I'm signing up for all the classes in the next session. I thought,'Well, of course. I always do.' Then it hit me why she was asking! I then asked her when the last was. Yes, it is the week I'm due to give birth. If I have my c-section the day after the last class, I'll take him. But the OB originally said we could do it the day before. So I told the owner that Steve's grandma would bring him to the last class if I couldn't. I have no doubt that she'd love to. She went with me to his classes before she went down to Florida for the winter. It's weird, though, to think that my life really will be changing in a short amount of time, and that other people have thought about that, but not me. I am so used to it just being Steve and I every day. It's going to be different, that's for sure!

On another note, I called to check on the status of Steve's bedroom furniture I ordered back in January. I was told it would take 8 weeks, and then 10 weeks by the owner. I chose this store because it is a small family owned shop in town. Also, because my friend who owns an interior decorating business recommended them to me. I immediately liked the owner and his mechandise. It is Pottery Barn-like, but a LITTLE cheaper. Not much, but a little. Plus, I like how the small-business owner typically treats his customers. (We have a few small-business owners in my family). I like how your business is appreciated. Anyway, it has been 8 weeks, so I am getting a little concerned. I talked with the owner and explained my situation. He was wonderful. He called the company who is making it, and then called me back. Wouldn't you know that the maker of the bedroom furniture I ordered is running behind on their orders. Lovely! But, and this is the part about working with a small-business owner that I love, he told the company to send it piece by piece if they had, usually they send it all together. Then he told me they would send a mattress to my home for Steve to use while we are waiting, a NEW mattress. I would never take a used one---yuk! He is going to keep me up-to-date on the furniture's progress in the meantime. I am still not happy, though. It's getting closer and closer to my due date. I didn't just want the furniture before the baby was born, but I wanted to have Steve's new room decorated too. I know that I won't have the energy to get it done once the baby is here. That is why I ordered the damn furniture early in the first place. Yes, I have control issues, and perfectionist issues, too. It's just I wanted my baby boys to have rooms that mommy made for them. I wanted it to be equal. I guess beautiful rooms don't equal love, but it is one way I show my love. One of many. I mean this is just getting a room ready for my son. Why does this have to be a production, too?

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Feeling Uncomfortable

Today I have just felt out and out uncomfortable. My baby boy is doing this rolling thing and it is really starting to hurt. The ironic thing is if this baby does not kick or roll I get nervous; I guess I can't win. That's OK, as long as he's healthy.

I did not sleep well this morning. I got up around 6:30, not including my frequent middle-of -the-night bathroom trips. I let the dog out so Jeff could sleep in; our dog gets up earlier than our son. Anyone want a Shih-Tzu? I also did a load of laundry and then fed the dog only to find out that SHE went back to our bedroom and was fast alsleep. I did eventually manage to fall back to sleep, but you know how it is, once the sleep cycle is broken you can't make up for it. I dragged all day long. Not a good day to meet your future family. I'll write about that later. I'm just too tired to now. I'm sure I've made little sense thus far.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Eating Crow

My wonderful husband did come home earlier. Apparently when he called to tell me he was on his way, I was on the speaker phone setting on our phonebase, since OF COURSE I could not find the phone. Well, I never heard the call-waiting beep. So after I wrote how pissed I was at him, I called his work. Since he was not there, I left him a lovely message. No swear words, I don't leave those on his work voice mail, but the point of my message was clear, get your ass home before I lose my mind! Then I call his cell, and lo and behold, he answers it. Me, thinking he'd JUST gotten into his car, sternly said,"Where are you?" Where was he, you ask? TWO minutes from our house. I felt so bad, but at the same time, relieved. Sorry, honey.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Happy Birthday To Me!

It is presently in the 20's outside and it snowed for the second time this morning. What a gift; really you shouldn't have! Other than the lovely below average weather we've been experiencing here in Chi-Town, the morning and most of the afternoon have been great. I woke up to my dad inviting us to go to lunch at my favorite lunchtime spot by his work. What is better to a pregnant woman than food, I ask you? Then as I went downstairs to feed Steve his breakfast, and gulp mine down, there was a present on the table from my son(s). Jeff bought me two beautifully colored maternity tops from the Gap. Unfortunately, they are way too snug at this point. However, Gap has a great return policy for maternity, and I know I can find something else there. I was very happy when our Gap put maternity into its stores. And did I mention that it's inside the BabyGap so I can buy clothes for the boys and myself in the same place? How cool is that! Yah, it doesn't take much to get me excited these days.

Lunch was great. Steve was so well-behaved, and he loved seeing his Grandpa. The kid loves my dad and my brother! Everyday he asks where they're at. I am so happy about this. Family is so important. By the end of lunch I was feeling tired, so I was looking forward to a nap. That was not meant to be, though. Steve decided he didn't need a nap. I did put him in his crib with his Elmo and a book, and I got to rest my eyes. I am crabby, though, because I got woken up to,"MOMMY! cry, MOMMY!.........." Steve had lost his book behind his crib and was very upset. I realized then that a nap just wasn't going to happen. Now I sit and wait for Jeff to call me and tell me he's coming home. Being crabby, I am getting more and more pissed off the more that time goes by. Jeff has been getting home late during the week, but always tries to get home earlier on Fridays. Plus, being my birthday I thought he'd be home earlier too. Next week when our friends from Canada are coming down to visit, he said he would come home earlier to see them. Guess coming home earlier to see your wife just doesn't hold the same appeal. Jeff's commute is an hour, so if he leaves right now, he still won't be home until almost 6:30. ( Jeff also leaves by 6:00AM; a long day!) You moms know how long that sounds when you've been with the kids all day! I know work is important, believe me--I do like being able to pay my bills, but sometimes one should make the effort to be with their family especially when there's a special reason. Oh, well. Steve and I are going to meet my brother and his family for pizza. If Jeff still is not home by the time we leave, screw it! I'm going for some pizza. Oh, and my brother's kids adore Steve, so there is always someone who is entertaining him, which gives me a break. Love those kids!

Enough bitching. I did make an appointment for a pedicure tomorrow. It is getting hard to reach my feet:) I am getting the spa treatment, so I'll be there about an hour. Perfect! I can't wait to soak my feet and have a foot massage. Jeff will not do this. He tells me to go have it done. He also won't massage my back, and tells me to go get a massage. Who am I to argue? Except that I had one last week, and the masseuse was a talker. How can I politely say that I do not want to talk; I just want to relax. I talk all day with Steve; I'm all talked out.

JEN, If you are reading this, I tried to post on your board a few times, but it won't allow me to. Just wanted you to know I wasn't blowing you off!!!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Night Out With the Girls!

Yesterday I went to dinner with my girlfriends and had a great time! We went to this new restaurant that was supposed to be really good, and it actually was. The atmosphere was so cool! I told Jeff it was definitely our kind of restaurant, and that I think Steve would really enjoy it too. Steve loves to just look around places, and this place has a tall waterfall with colored lights, and several salt water fish tanks with cool fish and even a few sharks. The best part was the conversation. It was just so nice to be able to share our experiences, complaints, and suggestions on motherhood. It was also nice to talk about our lives before we had kids. Usually when we get together it's with the kids. So you know how that goes, we get interrupted a lot, and the conversation generally focuses on the kids or our husbands. I cannot even begin to explain how wonderful it was to have a meal where I didn't have to worry about another person, and where we could just talk, and talk, and talk.... We were the last people to leave the restaurant, but that's common for us. Hey, we don't get out a lot:)

I came home in the best mood. I tell Jeff that these dinners really help me, and thus help our marriage. I just feel a little lighter when I come home. It's wonderful. Of course, when I leave Jeff with Steve I know things aren't going to be done to my liking, and I'm generally OK with that. Somehow, though, after asking Jeff to put back Steve's bathing supplies and it not getting done, I just got upset. Steve's bath toys and shampoo go on the back wall of the tub, a place that is not so easy for me to reach now that I'm 7 months pregnant. Jeff gave Steve a bath, which I really appreciated, but I always have to remind him to put the supplies away and not leave the in the middle of the bathroom. He usually will put them back after giving me a look like I'm the biggest nag. Not yesterday, so I ended up yelling at him as I loudly put them away. His response, "REMIND ME." I REMINDED HIM then that I did, and if I REMINDED HIM again he would think I was being a nag. Plus, come on. How hard is it to remember to clean up after yourself?! It's only like FOUR things he has to put back here. I know this is really a little thing to be bothered about, but it has been going on for months and it's just getting to me.

Anyway, back to my wonderful evening out, sort of. On Sunday when I was talking with my neighbors, they mentioned the restaurant that I went to last night. So I said that I would be going there Tuesday night and would let them know how it was. I would think the response to going out ONCE A MONTH sans kids would garner a more enthusiastic tone, but no. First the comments were the kind-of 'must be nice' variety combined with 'I always am with MY kids' ending. And that that is superior to spending some time with your girlfriends without your kids. Like that is being a better mother. I think occasionally getting away from my son makes me a better mother. I really do. It's like anything, you need a break sometimes to refuel. Jeff is OK with it too. The ironic thing is that my neighbors' husbands both go out at least once a week with the 'guys'. Why is this acceptable, but it is not acceptable for the moms to go out? I think it's a good thing for both to do, really. I am also getting a bit miffed by the idea that spending time with your kids 24/7 means you are a better mother. I am also miffed by the fact that some women are just not supportive of other women. Some articles call it the 'mommy wars'; but I think the word 'war' is too harsh. It's just I don't see men looking down on other men for not being with their children all the time. And I don't hear men being as critical about parenting issues either. Why are some women this way? I just wish there was more support than competition. We need each other.

On a less serious note, my grammar has been less than stellar in my diary writing. It embarresses me because I was a teacher and English was one of my favorite subjects to teach. I would not let my students begin their sentences with 'and' or 'but', but I do it here all the time. So please excuse my failure to edit; it's hard enough to get the time to write. Thanks.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

A Beautiful Day

Today was just one of those days that makes you smile. The temperature was in the 60's, the air smelled so good, and my baby boy was in a good mood. Did I mention that my husband let me sleep in very, very late. I felt good!

It was so nice outside that both of our neighbors were out with their kids. The men talked with the men and us women talked with each other. Steve only had one incident when he fell, and it mostly scared him. He wasn't hurt. I felt bad because I couldn't get to him in time, but he was OK. The only thing that bothered me was that I am feeling like an outsider with the two other women I talk with. They each have a daughter that is entering kindergarten in the fall, and the girls are friends. Well, Steve is only two, so I don't really have anything to add about kindergarten registeration, or the woes one feels when they know their time alone with their kids is waning. I DO know that I will be the parent who drives behind the school bus crying on their child's first day of school. I don't deal well with change, and I want my babies to stay babies forever. Well, unless I am in need of a vacation. Then they can be older and stay with their grandparents. I won't worry so much then. But back to the point here. Then one woman, M., is pregnant too, so we do have something in common. The other woman and I used to be extremely close until I became pregnant. We both struggled with infertility. When her fourth IVF failed, she generously gave me all of her remaining meds. It is her that I owe, when I say we only paid $87.00 for all of our IVF meds. We do NOT have infertility coverage, so this saved us almost $5,000. I am forever in her debt, so to speak, for that one. Plus, she was one of the few people who I could talk to about my infertility who understood. When Jeff and I decided we might adopt, we had researched and found an agency we liked. I gave her all of the info. I collected, and lo and behold, they are awaiting the birth of their second daughter. I was so happy for them when they made the decision to adopt; I have felt the pain she had felt, and this was an answer to their prayers.

When I found out I was pregnant, I called her. I didn't know what to say; I had gotten so used to calling her with bad news. How could I tell her my FIRST IVF worked, when the FOUR she did, did not. I felt guilty, and I didn't want to cause her any further pain. She was not home when I called, so I gave the news to her husband, which I decided was probably for the best. I told him I felt guilty I was pregnant when they tried so hard too, and weren't. He assured me I shouldn't feel that way, they were happy for us. I'll call her E., did call me the next day to say congratulations. She left it on my answering machine. I called her back, but she wasn't home. I knew I would see her the next week at our next door neighbor's party, so I decided I would just wait to talk to her then.

When I did see E., I asked her questions about herself and didn't mention the pregnancy at all. I had just had my first ultrasound that day which confirmed twins. I knew she had always wanted twins. When she asked, I did tell her how things were going and about the twins. Then I proceeded to try to say something nice to make her feel better or something. I don't know, I was trying to be sensitive. I knew how hard I always took it when another friend got pregnant. I felt left-behind again. Apparently, she did not share this feeling. She left quickly, so I knew something was wrong. I just didn't know what, and I felt so bad.

E. basically ignored me for the next two months. No phone calls, no neighborly waving, nothing. I didn't know what to do. When Halloween came around, I felt it was the perfect time to see what was going on. I mean she couldn't ignore my son and I on her porch. Jeff ended up taking Steve home, so we could talk. It turns out she was very upset with me and the things I said to her, in particular about feeling 'left behind'. I told her that is how I always felt, and I didn't want her to feel that way. I told her one of my other infertile friends P., just could not talk to me anymore; it made her feel bad. She was happy for me, but at the same time, unhappy that she still wasn't pregnant. I told E. that I was really hurt by that, and didn't want that to happen with us. I said obviously I blew it, and please know it was not my intent to upset her, quite the opposite. I appologized profusely; I didn't know what to do. Soon after, her in-laws came by, so I left. Not long after that, I saw her with our neighbor M. and her girls, and they were trick-or-treating. I felt left out that no one asked if Steve and I wanted to go with, and that I had a boy and not a girl. I felt deliberately excluded, whether or not that was the case. Gosh , I felt like I was 10 again, and the odd man out.

So fast-forward to today. My pregnant neighbor said hello to me, but E. who was talking to her didn't. I felt the coldness. My question is: what more can I do? I tried to be sensitive and it backfired, but I sincerely apologized when it was made known to me what the problem was. I really wish she would have told me sooner. But now to be made to feel like the outsider, I mean what more can I do? I still feel bad about this.

Over all though, the weekend was great! Oh, and we got a phone call from our friends who live in Canada, who also was the best-man in our wedding, are going to be coming to Chicago next week. We are going to get together with our kids. I can't wait!

Saturday, March 05, 2005

All In All, A Good Day

Well, I managed to get my hair done. My gray is covered, my highlights are in place, and my ends have been trimmed. I feel like I look much better. We did make it to our friend's party, later than I would have liked, but we got there. We had a very nice time talking with them while our kids played. During the actual party, Steve was the only boy. I don't think he minded, though. They had an Elmo, so he was happy. I was worried that things wouldn't work out for today, but they did.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Pregnancy Among Other Things

Today I off and went to Str*de R*ght and bought the shoes Steve already owns in laces, now in velcro closures. Why? Because my son is obsessed with having his shoelaces tied. If they come untied, he immediately runs to me saying,"SHOES!" It was really cute, until I got big pregnant and getting up off the ground got really difficult. No, my son is not to the point where I can sit in a chair while he gives me his foot. I have tried this, and it has resulted with a kid on the ground every time. I feel like what a huge waste of money, especially since he's not even to the next size yet, but now he can not only put his shoes on by himself, but he can also pull the velcro tabs closed by himself. Pure bliss to me, as well as to him. He just loves when he can do something without anyone's help. I hope this continues. While we were there getting Steve measured, I of course had to tell the clerk why we were there. She took one look at me and said,"Yah, you are big." Thanks.

I am to the point right now where I feel big, and not in a good way. At the mall I just looked in all of the stores, and told myself those were all the pretty clothes I wouldn't be able to fit into in for a long time. Depressing. (Also depressing that I got out of breathe twice while walking.) As Steve and I sat and shared a soft pretzel together, I remembered sitting doing the same thing not that long ago. Except that time I was dreaming of all the pretty maternity clothes I would be wearing if the IVF cycle had indeed worked. I dreamed of feeling the baby kick, of the anticipation of waiting for the baby, of seeing Steve with a sibling, of the car not being so quiet anymore, and of controlled chaos that would come with having two little ones. I dreamed knowing this may never happen. And somehow it did. I forget sometimes all that I've gone through. I saw this woman walking next to us with her chinese daughters; very cute I might add, and it hit me right there. We both had gone through the road of infertility, maybe not the exact same path, and yet it worked out differently for each of us. For her, it was obvious that these children were adopted, and having researched foreign adoption myself I know she went through a lot to have these girls. But for me, she probably just thought I was like 'every one else'; I didn't have trouble at all. It's at times like these that I have to remind myself of all that we went through. I like to forget; I want to forget, but, maybe I shouldn't. I will tell you, though, it feels good to appear 'normal'. I will also say it is much better to get the question 'Are you going to try for a girl' than to get the 'When are you going to have your next one?'. I do not like the first question, and consider it rude, but it IS better than having to answer the second.
Tomorrow I am going for a much needed haircut and color appointment. I always enjoy these appointments because I get almost two hours of time to myself. I am kind-of peeved that tomorrow I will have to rush because we have a child's third birthday party to attend. We were told about this last Saturday. These are really good friends of ours that we don't see as often since they moved an hour away, so I feel I must make the effort to go. We will be late, however. Our friend E., the husband, told me to just reschedule my hair appointment. It does sound reasonable, right? Except that I have had this appointment for 8 weeks. It is very hard to get a Saturday appointment. Why not go during the week you ask? This is currently Jeff's busy season, and he gets home too late for me to make it to any appoinment. They are also closed on Sundays. If I don't go tomorrow, it will take me weeks to get in again. And I don't want to sound selfish, but I have been looking forward to this appointment. I do not get much alone time at all. I feel that I am always taking care of someone, and now I am uncomfortably pregnant, so I am REALLY in need of some 'me' time. I am feeling unattractive too, so I feel this will give me a much-needed boost. So after I explained the scheduling situation to E., he understood. I said we'll come we'll just be late, which is fine with them.

I am also starting to miss my job a lot. I miss using my brain. I miss talking to adults. I miss receiving a paycheck. We don't need my salary, which is a good thing since as a teacher I really didn't make much, but I need the salary to feel like I'm contributing here. I feel taken for granted. Jeff can always do what he wants/needs to do, because he knows I am ALWAYS here. I, however, do not get the same luxury. His days are longer, thus my days are longer, and I can't even have a glass of wine to get me through it! We did have the opportunity to have someone who was highly recommended come every Tuesday for 8 hours. This would have allowed me to go to my OB appts. alone, and have my gestational diabetes test taken, no I have not done that yet. It would have given me another set of hands when the baby comes. Remember I had PPD after Steve was born. Extra help would have been good. Hell, a few hours to myself would really make a difference. But no, Jeff said said 'WE' didn't need it. I should have his mom come, since she's free. Problem is his mom goes to Florida for 4-5 months during the year. Plus, I think having someone unrelated is easier at times. Jeff's mom could come on one or more of the other 6 days I am alone when she is back here. There are just so many reasons why this would have been great. Oh, another one I though of was that she could watch the baby while I took Steve to tumbling that day, therefore allowing Steve and I time together. I think that would make his transition easier. I am not a person who hires a nanny to do my job for me. She wouldn't have been here 7 days a week, just ONE. Oh, and she only charged $10/hour. That's like a regular babysitter's fee, except that she is in her 20's and has a lot of experience, CPR classes, etc. We did not buy a new house, so we could have swung this, for my sanity. Oh, well. My MIL will be back in a month. Let the games begin.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

It's Cold and it's so hard (NOT) To Say Good-bye To Yesterday

I cannot believe it, but today the temperature only got into the 20's. To say that I am sick of winter would be an understatement. I think we midwesterners have put our time in; it's now our turn for spring. It is sad when I tell my brother that I would be happy for the weather to be in the 40's! It was so cold today, the windchill made it feel like 10 degrees, that after my Bible Study class we just went home. It was just too cold to do anything else.

I am really getting claustrophobic! I have graduated from 'cabin fever' to that. I DO go out. I think sometimes I have too much planned. I know myself, though. The only 'cure' is to go out and tomorrow we will. We will brave the elements again. I will try to pretend it's warm out. I will ignore the snow on the ground. I hope there's sun.
On another note, I cleaned out what was left in my childhood desk and nightstand. Jeff has to give up an office, and I have to give up some furniture. I promised Jeff that I would sort through what was left in the drawers and I did. I found some really cool things that I didn't realize I saved. Like the listing and picture we received when we were looking at our house. Upon reading it, I realized there was a few discrepancies, or out and out LIES. Like the oak cabinetry in the kitchen. Uh, no people. It was formica. We have since gutted the kitchen. It was so ugly I cannot even explain it to you! Or the beautiful stained glass cabinet windows; more like 1960 hippy colored glass. YUCK! Or the gas fireplace. I do not know what these people were smoking when they wrote this, but there isn't a gas hook-up. It is totally wood-burning. Oh, and I love the custom mirrored-glass behind the built-in bookcases. It wasn't custom. It was instead squares of mirrored-glass you buy at Home Depot and stick up with tape. For the record, those are now gone too. Even the age of the house was wrong. I lived in the area when these houses were built, so I had a pretty good idea of when they were built. And if there was any doubt of my impressive memory abilities, the furnace and water-heater gave it away. That's OK, though. We love our house; now that we have remodeled everything anyway.

I also had to go through what I called 'The Endometriosis, Infertility, and Miscarriage Drawer'. I will be honest here. I threw EVERYTHING out and it felt so, so good! I had three RE's in the whole time we have dealt with infertility, and all of the information from each one of them was in there. 'Good-bye Dr. M, Good-bye Advanced Re*roductive--you fuckers, Good-bye Dr.S. I don't need you anymore. It was not fun, I didn't enjoy all the procedures, and two out of three of you were just plain asses. Talk to me, listen to ME, Dr. M, not my husband! I am the one with the uterus, not him. So condescending. And Advanced Re*productive, fuck you for calling me at work to tell me I was miscarrying. Don't you have an ounce of compassion?! And even Dr.S, whom I mainly love and who has helped give me my two beautiful boys, be THERE! Stop taking so many damn vacations. I pay good money for your expertise, not your nurse's. And do NOT call me at 7PM to tell me I'm not pregnant. That was awful. Your nurse told me it was because you were vacationing on some island and she couldn't reach you. I'm sure you were drinking a pina colada on my uninsured dime. Wish I could have taken a vacation that year. Instead I am sure I allowed your wife the pleasure of paying CASH for her Lex*s SUV, while my husband and I drive Hond*s.

I cannot tell you how good it felt to throw all of those bad memories away. I even had my old 'charts' saved back from when I thought we could get pregnant on our own. I hope I didn't jinx myself by doing any of this; you know I STILL can't get rid if my meds., but I felt I needed to cleanse my soul, so to speak. Get rid of the old and negative and start living a new, more positive life. One thing that did make me laugh, however, was my son pretending to read through my "Grieving After Your Miscarriage' book. What a true blessing that child is. He is what has made this all bearable and all worth it. What a guy!

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

My Husband is Nesting

This weekend my husband spent putting together our new computer armoire and decorating the utility room with his degrees and his CPA certificate. He is mourning the loss of his office; it is going to be Steve's new room. Jeff is being moved to the utility room. What else can we do? We only have 3 bedrooms, and I'd really like the boys to have their own rooms, particulary when they are young and on different schedules. I do not relish the idea of getting them down only to have one wake the other up. That's just me, though. Jeff thinks it'd be fine, and maybe it would. But I always had my own room and enjoyed having some space that was just mine. Jeff never shared a room either, until we got married. I know he has enjoyed having an office at home. So it was decided either we move to a new home or he sucked it up and moved to the utility room. I voted for him to move to the utility room; I like my house. You can see won. Oh, most people hve advised us to move the computer to the basement. Well, we can't. I made that into Steve's playroom. Paint, flooring and all.

Jeff also started going through closets, and organized his own with RUBBERMAID containers especially designed for this purpose! I am so proud of him. Of course, the other, more cynical side, wonders just how long this will last. My hubby cleaned people, CLEANED! Really, without me even saying anything. It was awesome! He is getting nervous, he said, as D-Day is coming and there is still a lot to be done. Also, Jeff had to get his things moved out of the office because Steve's new bedroom furniture is being delivered in a few weeks. So we are motivated. And I am so excited to set Steve's new room up! I LOVE the baseball quilt and pillows that I found at The Land of Nod. I originally was going to just buy a solid color comforter for his bed, after all, he's only two and a boy, Jeff told me boys don't care about such stuff, but I could not find a solid comforter. I could not believe that! And unfortunately, about that same time, I typed 'baseball comforter' into the computer, and POOF!, up came this quilt that was just so darn perfect. Would I spend that much money on myself, probably not, but this is my baby:) Jeff said I need to understand I am doing this for me more than him, because as I mentioned previously, boys just don't care how their rooms are decorated. Oh, well. I will be having two boys, and they will have nice bedrooms. Sue me if they don't care!

Baby news: This little guy is starting to kick my butt! I actually wake up when he rolls a certain way because it hurts. Oh, and for the first time I woke up in pain from a leg cramp. I knew I was in pain, but being 2AM, it took me awhile to register what was actually causing it. Lovely. all for a good cause, I know. I just cannot wait for this baby to be born. I am writing this down so I can remember it: being pregnant isn't fun, at least not in the first and third trimesters! It will all be worth it, I know, but I do find pleasure in the fact that I will never have to do this again. I am grateful for this blessing, believe me, but being pregnant isn't all roses. And neither are the first 6 weeks post-partum. After that, though, I cannot wait!