Sunday, December 30, 2007
Two weeks ago, Tot had a bad flare-up of his asthma. So bad that I said this is ridiculous, we need to go to a specialist! Now I love my pediatrician, well the one who started the practice 30 years ago. I trust him implicitly. He even brought up how he also believed it was time for Tot to see a specialist. He referred us to his friend who is a pediatric pulmonologist at the 'Children's Hospital.' The benefit of seeing a doctor that has been around awhile is when they give you a referral, your ass gets in pretty quickly, despite it being the holidays and all.
Hubby got to go with me because he already had the day off. I was really glad. I think two sets of ears are always better than one. One thing that impressed me off the bat was how close to our appointment time we were actually seen. Guys, our appt. was at 4:00, and we were seen at 4:05! Oh, and everyone was so nice! Since they only see kids, they are used to kids' antics, and they don't seem to faze anyone at all.
Turns out that Tot has been officially diagnosed as having asthma. They call it mild, but persistent. We were given a treatment plan for him that totally makes sense. The nurse came in with the new game plan as well as the 'toddler' inhaler Tot is going to use now. No more nebulizer! Yeah!!!! Tot's inhaler looks the same as the ones you've seen, it just has a tube and mouthpiece connected to it. There is the everyday medicine called Flovent that he is to take twice a day, every day. If we hear any coughing at all, we are immediately to give him Albuterol every two to three hours. Then there's the Orapred liquid steriod to give in case the other meds. don't work. The good thing about this new system is that Tot only has to have two puffs in the morning and two at night. It only takes a minute to give him, not the 5 minutes it took with the nebulizer. Tot loves it! Remember this poor kid has been on a nebulizer for nearly a year, so a puffer is definitley preferable to him.
Tot also had to have a bloodtest done to see if he has any allergies. It will only take a week to get the results, but I didn't wait. Hubby moved all of his furniture so I could get behind to clean the baseboards and vacuum up any dust bunnies. I also dusted every piece of his furniture, and got rid of anything that wasn't necessary. The less items in his room means the less dust that will settle in there. Hubby and I then got rid of all of his stuffed animals since they are a big harborer of dust. We were also told that we needed to get this device that measures how much humidity there is in any room. It must be below 35%. If not, we must get a dehumidifier to get rid of the excess. Can you say static electricity??? UGH. The things we do for our kids! We also need to put cheesecloth over the vents of the rooms he is in most often. Yeah, I went into Williams Sonoma to buy my kid cheesecloth to put over his vents. The saleswoman looked at me like I was crazy!
So, I am glad that we finally went to a specialist. I'm not happy that Tot has asthma, but it's really feels good to know all of the things we can do to help him. I now have hope that he will feel better. We now have a plan by a man who deals with this on a daily basis. I am comforted by the fact that he is the head of his department, and has been doing this for years. He knows what he is doing; no conflicting advice from three different pediatricians. I feel hopeful, but I'm still scared to death. ***
If anyone has a child who has asthma can you share your story? I think it would be helpful to know that we're not alone, and what others do to make their children feel more comfortable when they have so many meds. to take. Thank you in advance!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
How could I ever deny this dog presents? This is Madison.
This is Casper, my parents' dog that now lives with us. Both dogs are Shih-Tzus. and they look so different!
Saturday, December 15, 2007
One of my favorite things that I have done this Christmas season is making a ginderbread house with the girls. This is my first time ever making one. My friend lost her mother when she was in her 20's and her mother was in her 50's just like my mom. She also had to watch her mom's health deteriorate right before her eyes. Oh, and her mother was misdiagnosed as well. My point here is that the holidays are very hard for her too. Finally, someone understands me. I'm not saying that people don't try to sympathesize with me, but it's like anything, unless you've experienced something you can't truly know what it's like. Anyway, this friend tries hard to make the holiday more fun. So this year she invited me, along with some other ladies, to make a gingerbread house. I had so much fun!
Friday, December 14, 2007
Yesterday, though, was so much fun! Hubby's work had a holiday party at a new, ritzy hotel. At first, I so didn't want to go. Hubby was telling me how creative these people are in the division he works at now. And also how they will not be dressed how I dress, which is conservatively. I'll admit it guys, I am not the swankiest dresser. No, I'll take that back. If the outfit is in black or dark brown, I'm there. I think I just feel safe in those colors. This time, though, I decided to try something new. I bought a new outfit, right down to the burgundy, pointed crocodile shoes. I bought cool jewelry, and new, hip pants. Man, did I have fun shopping! The main part of my outfit was grey/black, but hey, did I mention the burgundy shoes and cool jewelry??? AND, the pants were super hip. Not my usual mom-like church clothes. I finally decided to try something new. An outfit that I've wanted to buy, but had nothing to wear it to. AND, it turns out I was dressed perfectly for the event. Get this. I even got compliments on my outfit, and asked where I got it from. Let me say this, that does not happen often. I was so proud of myself for taking a risk. I felt great! Dare I say that I actually felt attactive and not like a frumpy mom.
Since this is a new division of the company, I was worried that we wouldn't have anyone to talk to. There were over two-hundred people there. Then I always worry about my stay-at-home status. People always ask me what I 'do' for a living. Man, do I hate that question! I was wrong about that. I found several people who used to be teachers, so we had a lot to talk about. I also talked to this very nice woman who stays at home too. I will tell you that I talked to as many or more people than my husband. He never had to worry about leaving me alone, and for the first time, I didn't worry at all about being left. I had a great time. I love this new division! Everyone is so nice. Not that his old division of the company was not. They were just a little stuffier. For instance, Hubby used to wear suits every day. Now polos and casual pants are fine. He also gets to wear jeans on Fridays, and in the summer some of the people wear shorts. I am so happy Hubby got a promotion. I'm happy for him, and I'm happy for me. It's been a very good change for all of us.
As for me, I have hardly had time to sit down the entire week. Between Christmas shopping, tumbling, preschool drop-off, meetings, parties at various companies, well I am tired! Maybe that's why I keep rambling. Right now things are good, and I pray that is how they remain. Christmas is hard for me, but after Christmas is harder. You know, when things slow down and you have way too much time to think. I don't do well with too much time on my hands.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Well, that's the first thing that happened this weekend. The second was when we received word that a man from our church passed away unexpectedly. His wife knew my mom and her battle with cancer. I also was in a Bible Study class with her. At any rate, she had just finished HER last treatment for breast cancer. To celebrate, they went to Las Vegas. One of the days they were there, he complained of having a headache and being tired. He went to sleep and never woke up. I was shocked. These people are so awesome. Again, I was shocked by this information. It felt like it couldn't be true. I just saw him. But it is true just like our friends' divorce.
I so hope nothing else bad happens. You always hear about these things happening in threes. I pray that that doesn't happen here!
***Update on Ryan's asthma: We went to the doctor yesterday. Luckily, his lungs sounded good. The doctor doesn't want him going out much due to the cold air causing asthma attacks. He then gave me a referral for a Pediatric Pulmonologist from the children's hospital. I'm glad about that! He has had too many attacks already. I feel so bad for him! He is still continuing to take Singular once a day, and Pulmacort twice a day through a nebulizer. Poor baby!
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Together, we've gone through the beginnings of marriage, the birth of children as well as discussing our jobs as teachers. They supported us through infertility as well as my mother's death. We went to each others children's birthday parties, and loved going downtown to visit museums or have dinner sans kids. Basically, we loved them. They were family to us.
I feel like I am one of the children in regards to the disappointment and dread I feel in the pit of my stomach right now. And no, we had absolutely no idea. Two years ago, they moved about an hour from here, so we don't see each other as often as we'd like to. However, the last time we saw them, everything seemed good. They seemed to be the good couple they had always been. No, things were not perfect, but I don't know anyone's marriage that is. I just don't know what to say. I have never been in this position before. I hope we can continue to be friends with both of them, but is that even possible? Can it become a reality? I certainly don't want to choose sides, and I don't think they would expect that, but I don't know. This is new territory for me. What do you do in a situation like this? Any advice or personal stories about it and what you did would be appreciated. I'm currently still in shock about this, and I am very, very sad.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
On Sunday, we put up our new Christmas tree. This time we bought a lovely 7 1/2 foot pre-lit tree. Boy, did that save us time! Hubby used to take 2 hours to put lights on the tree, and by the time he was done, no one really cared to put up the tree anymore. He also has blown fuses on several occasions because he put too many lights on the tree. Another thing I like about this tree is that it comes in only three pieces. On our former tree, we had individual branches. I hated having to put each branch on the tree one by one! Between those branches and the lights, well, I stopped enjoying putting up the tree! We also put a lighted train up outside, as well as under the tree. Tot LOVES trains. He now looks at them all the time, and says, "Choo-choo lights" and "Choo-choo tree" every time he wakes up and all day long. It is too cute!
Tot looking under the tree as Daddy starts to put the train up.
Monday, November 26, 2007
***We got the estimate on the bathroom. It was more than I thought it would be. We believe it's fair though. We're talking about doing it. We'll see what happens.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Above is the lovely wallpaper. Isn't it beautiful? And the faucet, the top piece fell off a few years ago. I didn'y fix it because I was determined that I was going to remodel the bathroom, so I wasn't going to spend one more dime on this bathroom.
This is the inside of my vanity. It is plywood. In the middle cabinet, apparently there was a leak, so it now is uneven and gross. Below you will the beautiful cabinetry. Nope, not really wood either. Just some kind of presswood afixed to plywood. Not even a wood veneer. How cheap and disgusting!
Oh, aren't these lights something special! Can I tell you how hard it is to apply make-up with this shabby lighting! And how ugly!The floor below is quite impressive too. Yuk!
Monday, November 12, 2007
Friday, November 09, 2007
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Have your opinion on abortion. That's fine. However, abortions are only a small percentage of the services Planned Parenthood provides. Did you know they provide adoption placement, mammograms, prenatal care, STD testing and treatments as well as birth control and many other services? It's hard for me to understand why these same people are upset about birth control being provided. I mean, what century is this? I thought that had been worked out. I seriously thought most of the protesters were there because of abortions. Turns out I was not correct. The services that PP provides actually prevents more abortions from being performed. Also, a lot of these clinic are in disadvantaged, poor communities where most of these women do not have health insurance and otherwise could not afford these much needed services. I mean we all know how important prenatal care is, as well as mammograms. I can't tell you what would have happened if my mother didn't have insurance that payed for her mammograms. I suspect she would have died in a year or less. Why, oh, why would anyone want a PP clinic to be shut down? Where would these people go?
As I've said before, everyone has a right to their opinion, but don't force yours down my throat. Don't try to take away MY rights. We fought hard for womens' rights. We fought hard to be able to have birth control options. We have fought hard to be treated almost as equally as men are. Don't take that all away based on abortions preformed at PP. By the way, the World Health Organization has found that abortion rates do not decrease when it is deemed illegal by a country. Go ahead and read these blogs if you're interested in finding out more: ppaurora.blogspot.com and iamemilyx.blogspot.com.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Friday, November 02, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
***The picture in the right-hand side of my blog was taken in the San Diego area in August. It is the most beautiful place. Hubby and I have talked about moving there, but not anymore. Too scary.
The ironic thing is that I had resolved myself that the adoption was not going to happen. I had gotten used to the idea that we would not be adopting. Well, all I can do is pray that the bio-mom at least talks with my therapist. I am in wait mode, and I don't do well with waiting. I'm not the most patient person in these matters. And now I'm not even sure if adopting this child would be a good idea given the birth mother's obvious issues. I have to worry about my boys, Hubby and I first and foremost. I have to think whether this would be good for them or not. We'll see what happens. Waiting is never easy.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Onto the trivial. I'm the leader of a Mothers of Preschoolers group. We meet once a month, and our mission is to support moms who have children 0-6. I have been a member of this group for four years, but this is my first year leading. Anyway, there has been nothing but problems since our last meeting which was a month ago. I've had other people call meetings behind my back where I am the last person to find out, others make decisions without running it by me first, countless e-mails every. single. day. and just today I get an angry e-mail from a woman who sent out an e-mail with the wrong information. What was my offense? I asked her nicely to correct it lest the other group members get confused. I had sent out an agenda of this Friday's meeting which she clearly had not read. Not she is saying she's resigning from e-mailing altogether, and only doing the financial part of her job.
What I really felt was rude was that she attached my e-mail to her to the e-mail she sent to everyone else. I mean, are we in high school again??? Because I am the bigger person, and believe if you are angry with someone you CALL them and not e-mail them, I called her. Of course, she didn't answer. I left a message, a nicer message than I feel she deserved. I even left the times when she could call me. Guess what? She never called back. If this Friday's meeting is bad, I think I'm going to resign. This 'volunteer' job has been taking time away from my family, making me angry and giving me a stomachache nearly every day. I mean THIS IS CHURCH people! I'm clearly frustrated, and really pissed off. Any advice???
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
I went and my ex told me that he had no feelings for me; he was afraid that he would. Then he told me that he was still very attracted to me. Now, I have to tell you, he was gorgeous. So good-looking that I wondered why he was with me. Let's just say that I was still very attracted to him. I wonder if Hubby would have thought it 'inappropriate' for the ex to tell me he wanted to have sex with me? I didn't say no exactly. I told him I'd call him.
My plan was to see if Hubby had figured out what exactly he wanted. I also wanted to be appreciated, and for him to be happy I was in his life. That weekend, I found out he was very happy to be with me. He turned into the man I know and love today. I called my ex the next week, and said I was with Hubby and no sex was going to be happening. He said he knew I'd call and say that. It was hard to refuse seeing my ex when Hubby was being such an ass. Let's just say my ex is 'gifted' in certain activities. Plus, have I said how good-looking he was? It was very easy, though, to make that phone call after Hubby and I decided to continue our relationship. We both talked about that. Believe me, I told Hubby there would be no more 'I'm not sure what I want', or I'd be out of there! Obviously, he never said that again.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
A few years ago, I was involved in a 'mom's group' of people who were very fertile. And wealthy. And pretty. Don't ya' hate them already? But anyway, back to the point. There seemed to be a competition of who would get pregnant again first. I was VERY open about my infertility, despite the fact that I was the first to start trying for #2, and the last to get pregnant, but I'm not bitter:) Anyway, no one seemed sympathetic to what I was going through, and after every single one of them got pregnant, that was ALL they would talk about. There were days I went home crying. Can we ask, does anyone have any tact??? One day the talk centered around how many children each person was going to have. Have not try for. One of the moms, who happens to have a very large home, said right in front of me, infertile myrtle, "I am going to fill up all of our bedrooms." Say what??? What pissed me off was that she knew what I was going through, the fact that I was starting my first IVF, and she STILL said something as thoughtless as that. At any rate, she had one boy. She desperately wanted a girl, while I simply wanted to get pregnant and carry to term.
So, she gets pregnant again. She had no qualms about telling us she wanted a girl. Second child is born. It's a boy. Fast forward to last winter. She's pregnant again. She has another boy. Therefore, I ask you: Is it bad to get some satisfaction from this woman not getting what she wanted? I guess she'll have to try again for that girl. Oh, and this time, since she's 36, it will be considered a high risk pregnancy with all of the extra tests. No, she won't ever know what it feels like to be me, but I know what it feels like to not get something I wanted. And now she does too. Ah, satisfaction...
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Tomorrow there are three things I need to do at the same time. One, is S.'s preschool is having a field trip at the fire station. Yes, on Columbus Day. It's a Christian preschool; I've already gone over this with several different people. Well, because it is Columbus Day, I can't find anyone to watch Tot, and he cannot come on any preschool field trips. Lovely, eh? So, that means, I can't go on the field trip. I have to leave S.'s car seat at the preschool so some other mom can take my child in their car to the station. Can you say overprotective? Yes, I know. I am so nervous about someone else taking my son in their car that I can't sleep. I keep envisioning the worst case scenario, and kicking myself because I should have just kept him home that day if I couldn't drive him myself. My husband thinks I'm crazy.
I received a call reminding me that I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. I made this appointment two months ago, so I have to go. Well, since I can't go on S.'s field trip, this shouldn't be a problem, right? Wrong. Tot's tumbling class is at, you guessed it, the same time!
Obviously, he is missing his class. I actually look forward to this class since a friend of mine attends it with her son too. I feel bad for the Tot, but what can I do? I also need to grocery shop. Yippee! Funsville.
Do you ever feel like you have so much to do, and none of it is fun? I know life isn't supposed to be all roses, but come on.
On the adoption front, I'm going to take it easy on it. I'll think about it when, if, I hear anything. If it's meant to be, it will be. If not, it's better to find that out right away. I have a great family with the two boys. I know that. I'm also protecting myself, so I don't get my heart broken. Because, really, what are the chances it will really happen anyway?
Friday, October 05, 2007
***Update--I talked to my therapist who put in a call to the woman who is faciliating the private adoption. She is currently on a business trip, but my therapist assures me she will call as soon as she hears from her. It appears the girl/woman is 4 months pregnant, or about that, and possibly of college age. That's all I know for now. We'll see. I'm not counting on anything yet. I don't want my heart to get broken.
My therapist asked me this week what the difference between an agency adoption and a private adoption. When I explained, she said to me that she knew someone who is looking to place a child. Hubby feels much more comfortable with this idea as we would know more about the mother's health. I told him that a county adoption would cost us about $2,000 with lawyers fees included in that amount. Then I told him that a private adoption could cost us well over $20, 000-$30,000. He told me not to worry about the money, that we would find a way if this is what we are meant to do. I really don't think a private adoption would work out anyway, and I cannot get my hopes up about it at all.
I have decided to take my time thinking about this. Thinking about whether this is what we should do or not. Adopting a child would make a huge change to our lives. Also, even though we certainly not wealthy, it would change our lifestyle big time. So, I have decided to pray about it, and see what happens. I don't feel the anxiety over waiting too long like I did with the infertility, which is really nice. At any rate, does anyone have any experience with adoption with the exception of international adoption. That is the one where we actually know people who have done it. I know I do not want to do an international adoption, too. So if you have adopted domestically, whether through an agency or through your state, please leave a comment about how that all went. It would really help our decision-making process!
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
The situation for baby girl is bleak. Her mom is a 16-year old, and baby girl is her second child. She had her first at 14, and abused that baby, which was taken away from her. Therefore, when baby girl was born, she was immediately taken away too. The mom has to get custody back of child #1 before she can get baby girl back. This is why these kids languish in the foster/adoption system. The 'system' gives the parents too long to get their act together. Many times they never do, or they don't agree to sever their parental rights until the children are older and much harder to adopt. This is what my fear is for baby girl. Her mom gets visitation, and breastfeeds her on the weekend, so I doubt she's giving up custody any time soon. I tell you guys, I never in a million years saw this coming. Never thought I'd ever consider a county adoption. But I tell you, if there was any way at all that we could adopt baby girl, I'd do it in a heartbeat, and she'd be the most spoiled little girl in many ways!
Friday, September 28, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
A Planned Parenthood has been built in a surrounding suburb, and of course people picketed it, and now they are going to court to stop it from opening. Now whatever your views on abortion are, I bet most women want access to birth control and good gyncological care. There are women who can't afford that. But because abortions, which are still legal, are performed there, the pro-life picketers don't want this clinic to open. This is on the news all the time. Every time I turn around, there is a debate. I am really tired of it. And now, a pro-life agency is calling people to do what I don't know. I have never received a call like that, and I hope to never receive one again. Don't pull me into this. I believe woman should receive good medical care, and not just the fortunate ones like myself. And whether someone likes it or not, right now abortions are still legal. Let's move on.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Guys, when she looked at me with her huge blue eyes, I fell in love right there. This is NOT like me. I've been dreaming of adopting her. I've researched county adoptions, and I couldn't believe how cheap they are, and all of the support you receive from the county for taking these children. They are considered 'special needs' children, so they often will give you some financial support if needed. We wouldn't need that. Anyway, after closing the door to adoption because of its cost, or the travel involved, my heart seems to be considering it again. I don't know if it's right for us, but when I saw those little eyes I melted. And a little girl to boot! I'm not getting my hopes up, because for one thing I don't know her situation. She may not be adoptable. The county likes to do everything in its power to 'preserve' the biological family. Her mother is probably in rehab. detoxing, and when she is done, she'll likely get her back. I just think of the life she could have with us, and the life she will likely have with her mother. It makes me sad. I don't even know how to go about finding out her situation, and what we would need to do anyway if she were to be adoptable. I mean, we'd likely need a home study, physicals, that sort of thing I know. But we haven't even begun the process, so how could we even get her? Does anyone have any experience in county adoptions?
***I talked with someone in the know tonight, and it appears the baby girl is going back to her mother, as well as the other child who was beaten so badly she's blind. I understand wanting to preserve the family, but only to a point. When the situation is so dangerous for these children, I wonder who are they doing this for? And the drug-addicted mothers? I'm sorry, but the relapse rate is what...Yeah. But hey, they're with their biological mothers! I hope those who created the system can sleep at night. I know I couldn't.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Thursday, September 06, 2007
- Musing #1---Don't believe your grandfather or anyone who tells you that it hasn't rained in six months, it isn't even rainy season, so yes Former Teacher, it's NOT GOING TO RAIN!!! Read my lips: NO FLIPPIN' RAIN!!! We left on a Thursday. We went with my grandparents to church on Sunday. Halfway through the sermon, it starts raining! I mean a torrential downpour. And. everyone. was. so. excited. Everyone but us! I know they needed the rain badly, but come ON, why during the ONE week that we're there. Why?!
- Musing #2---We brought a portable DVD player. We had done this last time, and we played movies in the hotel room, which was very beneficial for our son, um....us. Guess what? We got the room with the newish-looking TV, but it was a tease. There wasn't the place to hook up the cables to. UGH!
- Musing #3---Hubby forgot Tot's Baby Einstein CD that he must have when he is falling asleep. Oh, but how lucky we were that he remembered to pack Jack Johnson's musical CD from Curious George. I'm sure the man is talented, but I NEVER want to listen to him again! I don't want to ever hear that song about how fun it is to share, because we know the truth, most of the time it isn't. UGH! I was actually missing Baby Einstein. How sick is that!
- Musing #4---I now know why people stay at hotels that offer suites, and when the children are older, we WILL be looking into that option. Going to bed at 9:30, particularly when you are a night owl, is just awful. Listening to your husband snore, and your children cough due to some virus they caught on the plane, is even worse!
- Musing #5---Even though I've been to California so often, I still forgot how bad the radio's reception can be when you are in the mountains, which you pretty much are all the time. I would be listening to a great song, and then BOOM!, it got all static-y and such. Now I am a big-time music person, so this really bothered me. Note to self: bring CD's next time as the husband gets annoyed when you listen to your MP3 player in the car and can't hear him. Hey, I had to do what I could given what I had to work with.
- Musing #6---Traveling by air with children has its challenges, but know, just know, that you will have to go through security more than once. After the four of us took our shoes off, collapsed the stroller, put our liquids in a container, took off our three backpacks, put my purse on the conveyor belt, placed our DVD player in a special container and went through that walk-thru thing, I pushed Tot over to the left to look at the airplanes while Hubby got everything back together. Now there was NO sign that it was a restricted area. Well, apparently it was, and Tot and I had to go through security AGAIN and do everything that we had just done all over again. UGH! These things don't seem to happen when you are traveling sans kids.
- Musing #7---No matter the brand, no antihistamine will knock my children out. Not even if it always does at home. And yes, they have allergies. Cough, cough....
- Musing #8---Packing while having a bad day only results in packing too much damn stuff. Enough said there.
- Musing #9---When you get home, your TV will totally die with no warning. The TV in your room. Did I mention I have needed the TV on to fall asleep since like the ninth grade? Yes, I know it's a very bad habit. I worked on it this week. Tonight we bought a new TV. Good thing I never developed a nicotine addiction.
- Musing #10---Even though I am so happy that my SIL delivered healthy babies on Saturday, a part of me is, I don't know. Depressed. I always wanted a baby girl, and she was blessed with two. Having babies was so hard for us, and when I did conceive twins, I lost one. So a part of me is jealous, envious. I'm not proud of how I feel, but it is how I feel.
And my final note, San Diego was having a heat wave like I've never witnessed before. You know San Diego is known for its perfect climate. Well, it got so hot, how hot was it?....., that the state called for energy conservation as brown outs could occur without it. Me in 90 degree with no air conditioning= one really cranky woman. There also was a large wildfire burning. And the night before we left, there was an earthquake. We didn't feel it, but it was there. Hubby and I took it all as a sign that we needed to leave southern California!
All in all, our trip was wonderful, but there are always those blips in the road no matter where you go.
Friday, August 31, 2007
My grandfather is 82 years old, and his wife is 92, so I know that each time I see them it may be the last. I try to make sure to spend as much quality as well as quantity time with them. It was great introducing Tot to him for the first time. He never met him, and hadn't seen S. since he was 18 months old! My grandfather's wife cannot travel anymore, and he can't leave her alone. Unfortunately, that means this spry man can't travel either. Every time I see my grandfather and uncle, it feels like a piece of my mom is with me. From the smell of his house to the endless recollections of my mom, I feel her closer to me. That feels so good. I know she would be happy that we went. She told me not to forget my grandfather. The poor man lost his wife and his daughter; that's too much. I was also to remember how sensitive he is. He feels that pain even if he never acknowledges it. So do I.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
My mom lost her own mom at the young age of 29; her mother was just 57. I was only 30 when my mom died; she was a mere 51. Too damn young to die. My mom was devastated when her mother died; I was too! Knowing my mom would be able to give me advice based on her experience, I asked her how she got through it all. She told me,"Your kids get you through." Those words of wisdom are certainly true. Even my husband agrees with that. If I hadn't have had S. when she died, I know I would have never gotten out of bed. I would live in my own private pain without respite. I mean what would there be to live for? I know I have an awesome husband, but in the midst of all that pain, it's hard to think like that. My mother and I were best friends. My husband believes that I wouldn't have this depression if she had lived, and I whole-heartedly agree.
Anyway, I felt I needed to go visit her at the cemetary. I cut a rose off of one of my bushes that I planted in her memory the summer after she died. It is yellow for the first flowers my dad ever gave her, with pink tips because she felt pink was such a feminine color. The boys and Hubby all came with me. Now S. is starting to understand things, so I felt I needed to tell him why we go there, and what to expect. Well, my husband told him that we were going there to see Grandma Debbie. Now you see where I'm going with this right? Yep. As soon as we got out of the van, S. says,"I don't see anybody." He kept looking around for Grandma Debbie, but couldn't find her and didn't understand why not. Death is such a hard concept for kids to understand!
When we walked over to her grave, I put my rose into her attached vase. Then I asked for some time alone to talk to her. I wished her a happy birthday, and told her I miss her every day. I think of her in the morning when I get up, and when I get ready to go to bed. She is frequently in my dreams too. Then the boys came back up as I had tears in my eyes covered by my sunglasses. The Tot runs up to me and says something he has never said to me,"I love mommy." He then stretches out his arms and gives me a big hug, just what I needed. I told myself maybe that was my mom's way of comforting me. She couldn't do it herself, but my son could. After that, we all prayed together, and then sang happy birthday to Grandma. I had a hard time singing; I was choking up. My boys and I should be singing this to her over a cake and candles, not over a gravestone. I guess it's not for us to decide, and I have to have faith in God that He knew what He was doing when he took her home to Him. I just miss her so much, but my children have gotten me through the worst days; they've given me hope that the next day will be better. That the world is still good, and that I do have something to offer. That I am needed, so I can't go anywhere. My husband has been my rock too. What a patient and loving man he is! So I am here to tell you all of this, because my kids need me. They've gotten me through the roughest, and I owe it to them to be the best mother that I can be. Thanks mom for your wisdom. I'm paying it forward. Your kids get you through when you think you can't go on. They get you through. They really do...
Friday, August 17, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
It's just amazing to me that even though we hadn't seen each other in over a year, it seemed as though it had only been a short time. Conversation flowed, and heck, even the kids seemed to be happy to see each other again! My son does the funniest thing; he calls TM's daughter by both her first AND last name. It's like,"Jane Smith, come here. I need you down here." Well, other than the Jane Smith part, he said exactly that. The really cool thing is that both of our oldest children have the same interests. For nearly three days I never had to answer the question,"What time is it?" Yes, they both love to tell time! One would ask the question and the other would do the answering. Too cute! They both also played board games together. At age four, they even played the game Sorry!. I've got to tell you that having TM's daughter with us made my parenting of S. a whole lot easier!
The babies, I mean toddlers, seemed to like having one another around, too. They didn't play together exactly, but they were near each other. Both of the boys love trains, although my son has nothing on TM's son! Wow, does that boy love trains!
Everyone seemed to have fun at the Children's Museum we went to, as well as our town's waterpark. The weather was so hot and humid, that the waterpark was the perfect activity! I also must say that we were all sad to see them go, especially knowing that it will likely be another year before we see them again. My oldest had a particulary hard time. He was acting out, and I knew why. I talked with him about it, and after an appointment I had, I took him to one of his favorite places: the big park. That seemed to help as today he was fantastic!
It amazes me when I think about how we became friends. One word: infertility. After years of crying wanting a baby so badly I could taste it, infertility brought me something good. It brought me this friendship. As most people know who have gone through infertility, you share a lot on the internet boards and blogs about your infertility, and in return receive much needed support. It seems our in-person friends and family don't know what to say or do for us when we are struggling with the inability to do the most basic act in life: have a baby. If it weren't for the internet, teachermom included, I don't know how I would have come out of my struggle with infertility. So infertility left with me with a pain I will never forget, but friendships because of it were formed, including this one. Who would have guessed that six years ago, a comment I posted about Clomid to teachermom would have ended up this way. I'm so glad it did.
***I look about a hundred years old in this picture! Look at all those lines by my eyes. Crow's feet galore! I am hoping that it is just the natural light. Hey, don't laugh! It'll happen to you one day! Teachermom, as usual, looks great in this picture. No crow's feet on her face! BTW, I did send her all the pictures I took, as if you were worried!
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
- Why does it seem that an item I purchased needs either to be price-checked, or I'm overcharged, only when it is something embarressing? Today it was Targ*t's Fiber laxative. Yes, I need to use them because I take medication that, how shall I say this, binds me up. Well, the cashier charged me for two, and I had only purchased one. Of course, I only noticed this after I had payed. I even contemplated not saying anything, but the thrifty side of me said it was nearly SIX DOLLARS! You know what I could buy with that! And yes, I held up the line while the cashier fixed it.
- Why does Costco open at ten o'clock in the morning? Targ*et and Wal-M*rt, as well as Sam's Club open earlier than that. I had to buy some diapers for Tot. I HAD to as there are not many left. I decided to go after I dropped S. off at summer camp. You know, taking one child is a lot easier than bringing two! Anyway, the sign says "Monday-Friday, hours 10AM-10PM or something. You can probably guess that 10AM was a long way off from the time it was right then. I decided to cut through the Targ*t parking lot on my way home, and I checked their hours. They open at 8 o'clock, guys! 8 O'clock! Guess where I bought Tot's diapers, and where I payed more money even though I found a box on the 'clearance rack'.
- Why is my oldest constantly saying the opposite of what he wants. Case in point. "S. today you have summer camp. You're going to have so much fun!" (BTW, S. LOVES summer camp). S. says,"I don't want to go to summer camp!!!" I remark, "Okay, you don't have to go to summer camp." (See, I have learned to say the opposite of what I mean in return. Pretty clever, eh?) S. then says,"I WANT TO GO TO SUMMER CAMP!!!" This drives me nuts!
- Why does our power only go out on nice days, but when it storms we almost always have power? My opinion of Commonwealth Ed*son is worse than Mayor Daley's from back in the 90's. Remember when the power was always going out downtown? Yeah, that is a dangerous situation as there are no windows to open in skyscrapers. I do not like Com. *Ed.
- Why do certain clothing items disappear, and I only realize it when it's too late to wash another one? Tell me, am I a bad mother because I sent my son to camp in a shirt and shorts that were not stained, but hadn't been washed either?
- Why do I find out that I put out my younger son's shorts for my older son only when he puts them on and we're walking to the car? Naturally, we are running late so there is no time to change. I don't know what's scarier, that I put out the wrong shorts or that my son fits into 18-24 month shorts at nearly 5 years of age. Yes, they were a bit short, but fit his waist perfectly.
- Why after almost 20 years have gone by does the song 'Paradise City' by Guns N' Roses still evoke memories of how much I hated moving to a small town at age 15. The lyrics "Take me down to a paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Oh, won't you please take me HOME!" really said what I was feeling. I wanted to go home. Five years later I did, and I am still living in what I considered my hometown.
- And 'why' when my husband and I finally get a night without the boys and we decide to stay at a hotel, do we have a couple who fights. We could hear everything they said, including the highly repeated fuck or fucking, or the other version, fucked. Needless to say, I was not well-rested the next day. If I wanted to listen to screaming and crying, I could have done so at home for free! (BTW, we stayed at a nice hotel in a 'yuppie-posh suburb. There is no excuse for that!)
I could go on and on, but this is a good sampling. Nearly every day I am left with the question 'Why?'.