Sunday, December 31, 2006
After church, I decided that a trip to the gym was in order. I credit my regular attendance at the gym, combined with some kick-ass anti-depressants and therapy, for helping me climb out of the depression-like hole that I was in. I didn't feel like going at all, but I knew I would feel much better after I had gone. Bring on the endorphins! Everyone and their brother was there; new year resolutions and all. Simply finding an elyptical machine to use was not an easy task!
After the gym, I felt much better. And my brother and his family are going to come over to have dinner with us tonight, and then watch the Bears game. My nieces and I will be doing something else, I assure you.
I have also been trying to focus on a project, preferably a creative one, to start. We'll see how that goes. I like to be busy, and I need to be busy this time of the year especially. Hopefully, I'll begin to feel as good as I had been for months. Like 7-8 months. Let the games begin!
Saturday, December 30, 2006
I have a very small family. My mom and I would go out together during this time of the year. She worked four days a week, two which were on the weekend, so we looked forward to getting together. We both would talk about how we couldn't wait for all the Christmas stuff to go away, and for the world to resume a little normalcy. We couldn't wait for the warm weather to come back again. Well, now that she is gone, I feel very alone at this time of the year. And I have time, so much time, to think.
For most of the year, I keep myself pretty busy. This past year has been the best one for me. Recently, I met a woman who is not only infertile like me as well as a teacher now staying at home, but also lost her mom young. Believe me when I say it is such a blessing that I met her. I have also met a lot of other great people. It's been wonderful! But during these two weeks of the holidays, everyone is either with family or their husbands have taken off of work. Hubby had to work part of each week; regular hours to boot. And the Tot takes a long afternoon nap, which is great, but leaves S. and me for a lot of hours with nothing all that interesting to do. At this time of the year, it is so cold and dreary here, and the afternoons are long. I know I have always dealt with that whole seasonal affective disorder thing. I need sun! Anyway, I have been thinking so much about my mom lately, which has really made me feel lonely. I wonder what the point to everything is. I mean I do the same old, same old things. What is the purpose to my life? What am I doing that is important? I even said to Hubby that I am a boring old housewife! No one wants to look at me, I'm in my 30's now. What interesting thing do I have to add to a conversation??? Diaper rash, how to get stains out of clothes, or a particularly riveting discussion of sibling rivalry? I bet your chomping at the bit to talk to me now! I actually had a dream in which I was teaching school again. I felt so alive, and like I had a purpose. It felt so real. Then I had to remind myself that I quit that job 4 years ago. For good reasons too.
I just need a reason to get out of bed again. Something to get my juices flowing. When everything starts up again, I know I will feel better. It's just I remember last year and how awful the winter was. Winter is hard. The upshot is that we don't have scorpions and black widow spiders and such because they can't survive the cold. (I'm NOT a bug person!) The downside is, I barely can either. I made it through the holidays this year, AND enjoyed myself. I really thought everything afterwards would be good too. Now I have another week with a son that has tons of energy, with tons of people at my gym who are going to attempt to exercise as their New Year's resolution, and a lot of time and not much to do with it. Pray that I'll get through it. Depression is a bitch.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Ah....the train table from Grandpa and Grandma D. This thing is 'the bomb' according to my boys, particularly the older one. I must admit, it IS pretty cool.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
I was still worried about the little guy while he was gone. He had perked up before he left, but still, I wondered if we had made the right decision. Plus, we were taking the kids to the museum for the annual Christmas Around the World event after we picked him up from school, and I didn't know whether or not we should try to do it. I shouldn't have been concerned.
Hubby drove, and as teacher#1 helped S. into the car, I asked her how he was at school today. I, of course, was thinking about his health. She sighed, never a good sign, and told me he was all right. They had to have a conversation with him about not hitting or pushing as well as listening. (The listening part I wasn't totally surprised about.) She then said they would continue to work on it. I told her that we would work on it at home too. I was not prepared to hear about my son being physical with another child. I have always worried about him being bullied or him being a doormat. Secretly, I was a little pleased. S. is on the smaller side, and I am kind-of glad that he stands up for himself. Obviously I don't want him hitting other kids, though. So we had the 'We don't hit, we use words. I want to hear good things from your teacher next time-got it' discussion, and went to the museum. Which goes to show that when you are dealing with children, you never really know how your day is going to turn out. Tomorrow is his school program. My dad, stepmother, and hubby all took the day off. Oh, how I pray he actually sings and doesn't play with the outlets this time. Only time will tell. Pray for me.
***S.'s teachers seemed surprised when we handed them their gifts. Moms with preschoolers, did you buy your kid's teachers a gift??? I don't want to look like one of those over-the-top parents. (When I taught 4th grade, I always got gifts.) Oh, with the gift I included a card whereupon I wrote how much I appreciated what they are doing for my son and how much he enjoys school. Tell me, honestly, do I look like a suck up???
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
May you all have as joyous a Christmas as we are!***
***Actually my in-laws are in Florida at their soon to be permanent residence. See formerteacher doing the happy dance!!! Hubby and I are excited since we won't have to even think about running into them around town. Yes, we live a mere 20 minutes from them. As Deborah from Everyone Loves Raymond would call a holiday without in-laws ,"It'll be a MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
Hubby recently told me that a few years back during the annual holiday argument, his father said to him after telling him what I did that upset them, "Hubby's name, we don't want it to get to the point where you have to choose between her or us." The emphasis being that if he didn't get me to see the wrongness of my ways, then hubby would have to get rid of me. Nice, eh? I will be honest here when I say that even if I cannot stand my DILs, I will never expect my boys to leave their wives because of me. I want them to be happy, and being divorced and alone is not what I wish for them. Particularly if they love and are happy with their wives. It's not normal for a parent to wish unhappiness on their child simply to make the parent happy.
The ironic thing here is that hubby did end up making a choice, and it didn't end up in their favor. I guess they should have been careful what they wished for, as that's what they got in the end.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
All of my life I dreamed of meeting you, of what I would say to you, advice I would give or just the cutest little girl clothes I would dress you in. When I was in the eighth grade, my Language Arts teacher, Mrs. Burnett, had us start writing a journal. I wrote about what life was like for a girl my age so that I would be able to better understand you when you reached the dreaded teens. I wanted to be able to remember that 14 was not an easy age, and I wanted to treat you the way I myself wanted to be treated. I also wanted you to think I was 'cool' ; I no longer have that as a goal. I not only kept that journal, but I have continued to write.
The older I got, the more I thought about you. I was not ready to have a child of my own at that time, but when the time was right, I pictured how cool it would be to have a daughter. I saw mothers with their little girls all dressed up in pretty dresses with bows in their hair, and I knew that was how we would be. There would be a little 'me'. I would never be alone in this world. The funny thing was I never thought you would be my first born. Never. I had an older brother, and I LOVED having an older brother, so I wanted that for you too. I wanted to have a boy first and you second. One of each, a rich man's family as my mom told me. A rich man's family because you needn't try any more for another gender as you already had both. She had heard this as a child.
For years your name was going to be Katherine Grace or Kathryn Grace. I thought Katherine was such a strong name, and I would call you Kate for short. Grace because that was my grandmother's name, and she was the type of woman most women strive to be. It changed when your father and I tried for years to have a child. After I miscarried our first child, I wanted to give you my grandmother's name. I wanted to somehow infuse her strong qualities into you. She was a special woman, and you were so wanted. In my heart, I felt that you were special too, and you needed a name like hers to identify you. Maybe then, you could come into our home. Well, your brother was born and so we used our choice for a boys' name. Before your grandmother died, I had changed your name to Grace Deborah. I told my mother about my desire to have her name in my daughter's name, and she smiled. Nearly two years passed before I was pregnant again. One day I read an online diary, and one woman's daughter's name was Ava. It hit me right then! Ava! Ava Grace! Of course! Ava Gardner was gorgeous, and somehow I just felt it was 'right'. Your father said AGAIN to me,'We made a decision already.'
We found out we were having another son, and that we lost his twin. Maybe that was you. I don't know. I never thought that I wasn't going to have a daughter. It didn't enter my mind. All of my dreams for you. All of my dreams for us. The clothes you would wear, the things we would talk about. When I lost my own mother, I wanted you even more so I could have that mother-daughter bond again.
But as so many other dreams we have in life go, sometimes you have to say good-bye. Good-byes are sad, and I AM sad that we will never meet, but don't worry about me. I feel God has a plan for us all, and there is a reason that He gave me boys. I have come to terms with the fact that I am a mom of boys, and not a mom of both. I just cannot try to have another child. I have to be an adult here. In my heart, I would love to have given another try to see if I would indeed get to finally meet you. But I know that as much as getting pregnant is hard for me, the post-partum period is even harder. Right now I feel great, and it is easy to make a life-changing decision when you feel good, but I cannot take a gamble with my and the boys' lives. Adoption is not an easy process like the celebrities make it out to be either. Financially it would be too much as well. Although we will not openly seek to adopt, if somehow years down the road, an opportunity comes up and we truly feel that God is telling us something, maybe we would be open to it. I can't say never.
It' s time now to pack away the dresses and the dreams that I had for you. Please know that I love you, and would have loved to have had the pleasure of raising you. I am sure you would have made me as proud as your brothers make me. Good-bye Ava. Mommy loves you babygirl.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
Friday I felt like I was at death's door, and Tot was all full of snot and having a hard time breathing. Add to that the snowstorm we were having, and let's just say I was sure my babysitter wasn't going to be able to come. Oh, I didn't tell you I found a babysitter. I did, and oh, she is wonderful. I'll expand on that another time. Well, I want to personally thank Mayor Daley, because she was coming from the city, and she made it to my house an hour early. She thought it would take her longer to get to my house, so she left early. Anyway, when she got here, I went back to bed for TWO HOURS!!! I'm giving her a raise now; she deserves it.
I hate being sick. I really do. I don't understand why I've been sick twice already especially when you figure in that I average maybe one illness a year. Prior to having S., I went three years without a cold. I wash my hands so much that I have lotion by every sink my hands get so dry. I take basic hygiene steps to protect myself. I just don't get it. Before I had Tot, if S. got sick, I rarely got what he had. I chalked it up to being sick often during my first two years of teaching. But now it seems when Tot gets sick I get sick. And I hate it; I really hate it! Oh, and now I have so much laundry to do that I don't know where to begin. Oh, I have to wash S.'s clothes, because tomorrow is green day at preschool. Does he even own something green??? Okay, now that I have a babysitter, I think I need to find someone who will wash my clothes, and wash the dogs, put up the Christmas tree, do the Christmas shopping that I am now behind on and send the Christmas cards. And I have to make something for Wednesday's Bible study Christmas celebration, which I would totally ditch if it wouldn't make me feel so guilty. I'm sure there's more, so I better stop stalling and just start doing it.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Afeter dinner, my nieces. stepmother and I worked on some crafts and generally had a good time talking. It was so nice. No drama, just relaxing and calm fun. Poor hubby had to meet with his sister the next day for coffee and to 'talk' about their relationship. I don't know how many times you can talk about the same thing and get anywhere new as this was the fourth such discussion, but he went. Turns out my husband's family has set up accounts for the boys to use for college, weddings, a house whatever, which by itself would seem like a nice thing. The not so nice part of it is they have hubby's sister as the one in control of it. She decides when, or for what, and how it will be distributed to them. Hubby is in finance; that's his job. I understand not wanting me to be on the account because they blame me for everything, but their own son who they know would make sure the boys were taken care of and the money used properly, now that I don't get. Besides the fact that hubby's sister is terrible with money. She didn't even have a savings account until she was married, and credit card debt...yikes! So it's not about what's best for the boys. It never has been. They have held their money over our heads since we announced our engagement. They try use their money to control us, not to help. Anyway, my ILs basically used my SIL as a gopher. She kept bringing up things about their parents. Like, that my ILs are now willing to see a psychologist/mediator with us. That was on the table a year ago, and was not accepted by them because they aren't the ones with the problem. Then my SIL says that the ILs don't understand why they can't have a relationship with the boys. Hubby was firm in saying if they don't have a relationship with us, they can't have one with the boys. That would only confuse them. As it is, they haven't seen hubby's sister since last February because each time she has come into town, she didn't want to deal with what her parents would say when she comes back from seeing us. It's so sad. So basically she sends the boys gifts, but never calls to talk to them or comes to visit even when she's only 20 minutes away. And her husband hasn't seen them since Tot's christening because he is not happy with us. Whatever. They had only been married a year, and lived in another state, when this all went down so he has no idea what hubby's family is really like. Besides I could go into details about his first marriage that made me downright leery of him, but I decided to get to know him first before I made up my mind. He chose not to do the same. I guess they are now trying to have a baby which would take some of the pressure off of our kids as well as us. Anyway, hubby told his sister that things will not change in regards to his parents, so for them to try to have a friendship-type relationship. No talk of the family problems. She feels she's in the middle, and hubby feels that no matter what she says nothing is changing, so it's best for them both to let it go. We'll see how that goes. When will this ever end???
At any rate, I did have my mom's family over last night, and everything went SO well. This has been the best Thanksgiving weekend in many, many years, and for that I'm thankful.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Tomorrow is S.'s first preschool Thanksgiving program. I stupidly volunteered to bake 2 dozen cookies for the day before Thanksgiving. Not one of my smarter moments, I tell you! A month ago, when I signed up, it sounded like fun. However, at 3:00 this afternoon as I was creaming butter and generally making a mess because I am going to make homemade cookies damn it!, I determined that it was not fun at all. I also had to make the cookies orange. No, the teacher did not tell me to do that. It was another one of my this will be fun thoughts. Oh, and making pumpkins out of the dough by using the cookie press? How cute! Did I mention that I am having a holiday party for my mom's side of the family on Saturday? So now I have to add clean the floor to my already large list of things to have done before then. Why am I always such a perfectionist about these sorts of things? Why didn't I do what a friend of mine told me to do and just buy the pre-made dough? Because I have to make sure my little boy has the mom with the homemade cookies??? Lesson learned!
Another thing that's bugging me is that I sent out invitations to the party I am having on Saturday, three weeks ago and many people have not responded. This is the 6th year in a row that I've had this party, so it's not like the guests can claim ignorance here. I have the main courses catered, so the problem I'm facing is how much to order. I thought to myself 'Should I call those who haven't responded yet?', and then I thought that you know, I shouldn't have to. I went ahead and ordered the amount I usually do, and if many people don't show up, then I guess we'll be eating leftovers next week. You know, I promised my mom that I would keep the family together. I promised I would keep on having this party and attending family events. My mom and I started this party together when her cancer came back the first time. Family was very important to her. I have always enjoyed getting together with my mom's family, but lately I feel as if I am the one putting in most or all of the effort. If I don't call, no one calls me. It bugs me. BTW, this is my maternal grandmother's side of the family. My maternal grandfather's side mostly live on the west coast. What do you guys think? Should I back off, or should I call? Am I over-reacting? I tell you, ever since my mom died this time of the year is just not very fun.
Friday, November 17, 2006
So what is the pain caused by anyway? Beats me, and it also apparently beats the doctors. He has been turned back over to his primary care doctor who guessed that it might be acid reflux. He's now taking Nexium. Man, do the drug companies love my family or what! He will have a follow up with Dr. D. on Friday. If the Nexium doesn't work, they'll look into an ulcer, which would totally make sense given the stress he's been under. Dr. D's full name is something that always makes me laugh when I hear it. It makes me think of my childhood allergist. His name used to cause my brother and I to laugh so hard we'd almost pee in our pants. His name? Dr.Pissit. I swear I am telling you the truth! My bro. and I would call him 'Dr. Piss-on-it'. Boy were we creative and funny, I tell ya'! Anyway, at least that memory gave me a laugh when I so desperately needed one. As my mom used to say,"Nothing is ever easy or simple in our family." No, mom, it definitely isn't!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
And damn PotteryB*rn. I ordered the Anywhere Chair for Tot to match his brother's, which he loves. Well, it came today and is perfect. However, I ordered an outfit for him, which I had personalized. I know, gag! And while I paid for the it, his name was not on there. Great! Customer Service was nice, but now I have to wait another week, and with the holiday and all, who knows when it'll show up! UGH! How hard is it to personalize and item a customer paid to have personalized. It's just one more thing, albeit a small one, that I have to deal with right now. That and my husband who seems awol. I've called several times to update him about my brother, and all I get is his voicemail. Gotta go. The Tot has now mastered tantrums. Whereas his brother just drops to the floor, Tot likes to bang his head into the object closest to wherever he is! I think he found out that concrete is not a good thing to bang on with one's head. Oh, hell! Who am I kidding? I'm sure he'll do that again soon. Life with boys=never a dull moment!!!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Until 6:00PM it looked as though he was going home. In fact, we were on our way to church for our usual Christian Fellowship Night where we take a parenting class and the kids also have a class to go to. Well, The Tot goes to the nursery:) My dad called me on my cell, and told me the news and that my brother could really use me to come and see him. So hubby changed course, and headed to the hospital. The hospital where I gave birth to my two boys, the hospital where my mom died and spent ten years of her life caring for other patients. Anyway, my brother kept thanking me for coming, which made me feel good.
I did have a bit of a problem when I walked into the hospital. I hadn't been there since the Tot was born. That was a happy event, but my visits prior to that were not. When I punched in the number for the floor, it felt strange. And then when the doors opened up, and I looked for which way to turn, it hit me. Not only did my mom work on this floor, but she died on this floor. And this was the first time I had been back there. See the floor is divided into the Telemetry(heart)floor and the oncology unit. Just a few feet from where I exited the elevator stood the room where my mom had her chemo. in. A few feet from there, the main desks, and then the hospice room where my mom took her last breaths. My brother noticed that she had stopped breathing as the hospital was having their fire drill. Guess what happened tonight? Yep, as I was leaving there was a fire drill, and we were told we couldn't leave.
You know, I am the type of person who just sucks everything up. I admit that I am good in a crisis because I am able to stay calm and see the big picture. However, that is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because I am able to make hard decisions quickly. It is a curse because I hold everything in during the event, and then I tend to have trouble afterwards because I haven't dealt with any of my feelings. So I'm going to share this only with you internet community. I am scared. I only have my brother and my dad. Yes, I have my awesome husband and children, but from my childhood family, my brother and dad are it.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Thursday, November 09, 2006
So I'm trying a new picture place; one that allows appointments! Kiddie Kandids, inside Babies R' Us, has always taken excellent pictures of my boys, however they do not allow for appointments. Two weeks ago I had the boys all dressed up only to be told there was a two-hour wait. This has pretty much happened every time I have tried to have pictures taken in the last year. I'm sick of going back after having waited so long. I'm sure the boys haven't exactly liked it either!
But you know what happens whenever you try to have pictures taken. Yep, S. woke up with a bad cough. Of course, I'm not as worried about that since that won't show up in a picture. What I am most concerned about is the black eye Tot is sporting. S. thought it would be fun to knock his brother down in the living room. There is carpet there, but that did not help; it was actually worse. Poor Tot got a carpet burn to the right eye, which in addition the blackness that formed around it, is also a lovely scab. I have tried concealing it with my best concealer, but you can still see a bit of it. I was so angry with S.! He sort-of seems sorry, I guess. Ugh!
The other thing that happened today is that it is going to be in the upper 60's. That's great isn't it? So why am I concerned? Because they both are wearing sweaters with shirts underneath as well as corderoy pants. They are going to roast! Tot is always hot, so I feel the worst for him. This place also tells you to bring a change of clothes. Well, I had matching Gap sweatshirts with jeans for them with a shirt underneath. Yah, normally this would have been fine, but this is Chicago so what did I expect? I told the photographer when I made the appointment that I am not so sure that I'll even be able to get them to change outfits and then have ANOTHER picture taken, so it make be a moot point anyway. I'll have to let you all know how it goes. Please pray for me!
***Next post I'll tell you about my babysitting situation.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
***I have to leave you with this. S. said to hubby, during dinner no less, after hubby said "Excuse me." "What, daddy? Did you fart?" (Remember that he is only 4 years old.) I had to turn around, so he wouldn't see me laugh. I tell you sometimes those kids of ours make it all worthwhile!
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
I did come prepared. I had bags of fishy's, as S. calls them, a sippy cup for Tot, books. You get the idea. However, there is only so much you can do when the wait turns out to be far longer than it has before. Guys, we were there so long that the next doctor came in for the afternoon shift! My appt. was at 11:20. It was 12:45PM before the second doctor even came in to see us. The boys were getting antsy, and I must admit that I was too! There was a 2 week old baby that was there due to catching the illness the older brother had. I have no problem with the baby being seen first, as I realize the possible problems that could pop up with a baby that young. But come on! The first appointment was only at 10:00. If it were the afternoon, I could understand more how she could have gotten backed up like that, but my appt. was for only 1 hour and 20 minutes after the very first one.
I think having the nurse or receptionist tell me that it is going to be awhile would have been nice. That way I'm aware of the situation, and don't expect her to walk in at any moment, and when she doesn't, get frustrated. If that was done, I would have at least felt like they cared. The nurse did manage to tell me I would be seeing Dr.Con., but I ended up seeing the male Dr.C. when he came in. I knew it was getting late when I saw him walk in! Now I know there were a lot of sick kids, but having experienced delays every time I see Dr.C whether it is the first appt. of the day or not, it's hard for me to believe it was simply because there were that many sick kids.
My question is, do doctors think our time is not as valuable as theirs??? I would never think of being 1 hour and a half late to an appt., at least without calling first. And we all know what would happen if we were that late, our appt. would be cancelled and have to be rescheduled. Why? Because we were late, and the doctor's time is valuable. There are other people waiting. I know this, I understand this. I'm also not talking about a 20 minute wait either. I expect that. But come on, one hour and 30 minutes??? Maybe I should leave my kids there next time and go out for a cup of coffee. Maybe then we'd get in sooner, because who wants to sit with kids who have been waiting THAT long. I knew I didn't.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
This morning after I dropped S. off at preschool with his birthday snacks, I went inside our local White Hen Pantry to get a coke. Tot loves going in this store. I swear people were looking at me funny as I strolled in with my toddler son all bundled up, whereas I was dressed in a v-neck shirt with no coat to speak of. I'm not lazy, I'm just hot! It felt good getting out of the car and feeling the cold air. Has anyone else experienced this after having children???? I am beginning to worry, though. If this is how I feel in my early 30's, what the hell is menopause going to be like for me? I will tell you this much, I will not be retiring to Florida!
Monday, October 23, 2006
When the Doctor listened to the Tot's lungs prior to vaccination, I prayed the Tot wouldn't cough. He had a cold last week, but was pretty much over it I thought. I knew he was fine, and I wanted him to get the shot so he would be protected and then I wouldn't have to go back to the doctors AGAIN! With S.'s toenail issue, we have been to the doctor multiple times every month lately. Imagine my surprise when the doctor turns to me and says, "He's wheezing.", like haven't you noticed this lady??? I put the Tot down as the doctor started talking to me about what this meant. He had only begun talking when the Tot started fast-walking around the room. The doctor said to me,"Boy, does he have a lot of energy!" I said,"And I have TWO of them!" Diagnoses? Tot has asthma. Yep. No family history or anything that would make me suspect it. Apparently, it is the cold weather variety that gets aggravated when a virus and the cold hit it, or something like that. I had heard of this since I had a student with this condition. An ambulance had to be called at school because the kid had been playing football outside in the winter, and then found himself unable to breathe. Gave me a heart attack!
I stupidly went to Walgreen's thinking they had a nebulizer. Even though my doctor recommended the pharmacy in the building, I felt it would be better to go where I usually go since my insurance info. was on file there. I felt at the other pharmacy I would end up having to send the receipt in to be reimbursed, and I hate that. So Walgreens did not have one, even after calling three different Walgreens. Finally, the tech. was told they did not carry nebulizers anymore as they are considered 'medical supplies'. Great! So, yes, I ended up having to drive all the way back to my pediatrician's office comple and filling the prescriptions there too. And yes, I have to send the receipts in to be reimbursed. The pharmacist was wonderful though. He took me in his office and explained how to use the nebulizer. Unfortunately, S. was being a total pain! As I went to get him since he walked out of the office, he came back toward me, which knocked me into the corner of the pharmacist's shelving unit. The corner of it. Lovely.
Hubby came home a few hours early to help me give the Tot his treatment. It was good that he did as my boy is a fighter! We have to give him a treatment every 4 hours; even in the middle of the night. Welcome back to babyhood! We were told that we don't have to wake him up to give him a treatment. Yah, I'll let you know how that went!
A few hours later, I had to go to my yearly urologist appointment. (After my first laparoscopy, some damage was done to my bladder, so thanks infertility for that added bonus!) ANyway, I had been having a lot of problems this past summer. Just prior to visiting teachermom, I felt so bad that I feared I would have to cancel our trip there. Luckily, we were able to go. The point here is that my urologist thinks that I now have a disease called interstitial cystitis. We've suspected this for some time now so I had time to look up what it was and all, but now it appears this is what I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. So add another drug to the bunch that I already take! I tell you that I rival any elderly person in the amount of drugs I have to take!!! So I have my information booklet: Welcome to the world of interstitial cystitis. As if you thought you had enough medical conditions to deal with already. Today is your lucky day! You 'officially' have one more. And do you want to know the best part? I have to see the doctor again in 6 months because that is how long this medication may take to work. Well, 6 months is during hubby's busy time. Great.
Then I got to go back home and help give my baby another treatment. I had to see him cry and kick and scream, and look like we were trying to hurt him. Oh, there's my baby now. Looks like that Albuterol is making him hyper just like I said it would. We put him to bed almost 2 hours ago. It's going to be a long night. Oh, did I mention that I'm sick too????
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
First off, Teresa had her bone scan on Wednesday and has an appointment to go over the results as well as the treatment plan on Monday with her oncologist. Please send prayers her way that there is something they can do. That there is some new treatment that will put her into a quick, yet long-lasting remission.
Secondly, we received the results of Liv's test. She is still cancer-free!!!!!!! Picture formerteacher doing a happy-dance! She also has young children, and it did my heart good to hear that she will be able to be with them for a long time. It was also great news for her parents. To have had two children that have had to battle this disease is too much for any parent to deal with. However, having two children battling recurrences of that cancer would have been absolutely cruel. Daunting... Are there really any words to describe that?
So there it is. Really bad news and really good news with only a day between. Man, what a week! I continue to pray for Teresa and her entire family as this will not be an easy time for them, and I ask that you do the same. Thank you so much again!!!
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
I assume most people know that the younger you are when diagnosed with this dreadful disease, the more aggressive it is. She had the finest doctors, and the best treatment, and it seemed like she had beat the cancer. She was so close to making that five-year mark. So close, but sadly she didn't make it. I must also tell you that the oldest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago at the age of 37. The only positive thing about that is that Teresa and Liv can have their tests done on the same day, so that they are not alone. Well, Liv was the one who was having pain in her chest. Teresa was showing no symptoms. They both went to their tests yesterday feeling hopeful. Liv is still waiting for her results, but sadly Teresa learned that her cancer has spread to more lymph nodes and is in her sternum. Just like my mom's was during her first recurrence. My brother and I talked, he has been really shook up. He feels it is so much like my mom. And we know too much. I hate to say this, and I know some of you will try to tell me I'm wrong, but Teresa is going to die. She is 36 years old with a recurrence in her bones. She is having a bone scan today to see the extent of the disease, but the cat scan already told them bad news. My mom lived 2 1/2 years after her recurrence, and she was 48 years old. Being only 36 doesn't make her survival rate any better.
I really like Teresa. I've known her since before my brother and his wife got married. She is so funny and vibrant. And loyal. I remember talking with her at my mother's wake. I told her that my mom was hoping that she would do well. When I looked at her in her wig with her pale chemo.-induced skin, she was crying. Because my mom, another breast cancer patient who she was close to, was dead. I can't even imagine how she made it to my mom's wake. I really can't, but she did.
And now it's her turn, and I am so sad to say that. Guys, she has a 10 year-old son, an 8 year-old son, and a little girl who is only 5 years old. Plus, I can't even imagine how her husband is doing knowing that he will have to raise those kids on his own without his soulmate. Teresa's BIL went to pick up her little 5 year-old daughter, and he said it hit him when he saw the little girl come running out of building smiling. He knew, he knew that her life was never going to be the same from this day forward. How do you grow up without a mom? How? Why is this even happening? I don't understand this. I believe, really believe, that God has a reason for everything He does, but I just don't know this one. I just keep seeing that little girl running with a smile on her face, oblivious to what is happening to her her mother. Just running, just being a little kid without a care in the world. Her world is about to be turned upside down, and i can only hope that she gets more time with her mother than the few years we got with my mom after her recurrence. I hope she can remember her mother well. I pray that her memories are good and they sustain her through the pain that will come when she is missing her mom.
I feel strangely numb. I've cried, because I'm just so sad this is happening. Excuse me while i go downstairs and play with my son. It's at these times that I am reminded what family means. How important it is to hug them and tell them how you feel. Please do that today, and maybe then there will something positive that came out of something so awful. Damn it!
Monday, October 09, 2006
Friday, October 06, 2006
At 5:00 he calls to say he is leaving a bit late, but he's in the car. Only an hour until he gets home. I say I wish that I could go to a bar after work. Then I say, "it's 5:00, I thought you were leaving 15 minutes ago." Remember, sick kid and both kids are nap-less. Hang up phone. Decide that a little fresh air is in order. Tell kids we are going on a walk. They are happy. Get out new stroller from trunk and can't for the life of me get it open. Get the old, digusting, yet workable stroller out. Go on walk. Feeling bitter because if I want to go ANYWHERE, I have to get a sitter or make sure he's home. ANd half the time, I just bring the freakin' kids with.
I end up talking with a neighbor at the end of the block. SHe's in her fifties, and we just had a wonderful conversation. I even found out she had fertility problems; no, I did not tell her about mine. She just offered that up about why her kids are so close together. She also offered up about the resentment that built up in her after years of feeling taken for granted. She was a SAHM. SHe still has her husband and daughter asking what's for dinner, and depending on her for most things. What did she do? She decided to go from part-time work to full-time. Now, she says, they have to think for themselves because she's not there. Not a bad idea, eh? Definitely food for thought. I must have been talking to her for a long time, because out of the corner of my eye, I spot a silver mini-van pulling over. Hubby had worried I was cold, and went looking for me. (He knew we were taking a walk). WHatever the reason, he was being very nice. However, I am feeling taken for granted myself. I can't help but feel bitter here. And on the babysitter front, we thought we'd found one, I got excited, but it didn't happen. I'll elaborate next time.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
At any rate, my dad and his wife moved into their new home two weeks ago, and recently gave us a little present. Now remember I already have an 8 pound Shih-Tzu to take care of. Our very own diva! Anyway, he, the dog, was having a hard time acclimating himself to my dad's new house,
and was moping around. He is already 11 years old, and my dad feared he was going downhill. My dad brought him over on Friday since they were having their floors ripped up, and the dog came alive again. He seems to love my house with all of its loud craziness! The dog gave me this look, and I knew he was staying for good. It also helps that he was my mom's dog, and refused to leave her side when she was sick. I'm a sucker for loyalty, and a sucker for anyone who was so good to my mom. So, Casper stays....Why is he named Casper you ask? Mom brought him home on Halloween, and he was so friendly and all. My mom was NOT a dog lover, so this dog had to be special to make its way into my mom's heart!
S. was happy about Casper living with us, and even commented on how he knew Casper was a boy. (I think you can guess.) I told him, "It looks like you're never going to get your sister now, S." He replied, "That's okay mama." And with that the sister subject has not been brought up again. Although with the cost of grooming, feeding and maintaining two dogs, I probably should have had another kid!
Sunday, October 01, 2006
This year was so much different for me than last year. I felt like I was in a better place. On the way to the race, I shed a few tears. Remembering my mom and her awful battle with the disease always brings me to tears. However, my SIL and I talked about mundane things like home improvement projects while we were walking. Last year, I walked quietly talking it all in. I had just had the Tot a few months prior, and the sorrow about my mother never meeting him was with me. I was only beginning to gain a hold on the PPD demon that had struck my life. The pain I felt over losing my mother was still raw. I had never dealt with it before I got pregnant with the Tot. I foolishly assumed that his birth would take away the grief, the pain, that was losing my mother. She was gone only 2 weeks when I went back to the RE to talk about our 'game plan for baby #2'. And she was gone only 2 months when I started trying to have the Tot. I learned something that month. Clomid and grief, while raising a nine month old baby in the midst, well, they do not mix at all. So when you hear about facing your grief. Do it. Because it really is true that you can't go around your grief, you have to go through it. Oh, and if you try to take a nice little short-cut like I did....you may end up in a worse place than where you started. There are no short-cuts.
This race I did not constantly see my mom in pain. I did not see the room she had her chemo. in, in my head. I did not see her in her final days. I still don't understand God's purpose for this, but I have accepted that it happened and there had to have been a reason for it. What I did see was my mother back in 2000 at the Race for the Cure. I saw her in her pink survivor's shirt and hat. I saw her in the 'Survivor's' picture. I saw the pride on her face, the energy in her step, the strength in her body. I like thinking of her that way. I like seeing all of the women, and men, who have fought this disease and won. I like to see those people affected by this dreadful disease full of determination and fight. It is at times like these that I see where true strength lies. True strength isn't only on the exterior. Oh, no. It is that hardened determination to fight a disease that can, and does, kill. To fight it until you have nothing left. So Mom, Tracy, Laura, Rosemary and sadly now my friend Diane, you are my heroes. Even though you feared cancer and its side effects, you went on and fought with all you had. You never gave up. And even though cancer took my mom's life, the way she fought showed me how to fight. You fight until you can fight no more, and hopefully you are able to kick cancer's ass.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
- The first thing I think about is how I should be able to 'handle' taking care of my children. I mean generations of woman have done it!
Then I think about the fact that many women had help. They had family members that lived close by. I have no one. My mom is dead, my in-laws are not in the picture, my dad and his wife work, and my brother has his own three kids to deal with. Many women that I talk to have someone like that to help them. I do not, so hiring someone shouldn't make me feel weak. Admitting I need help is not a bad thing.
Then I think what better way to spend money than to hire someone who will help me save my sanity. I was happier when I could go to the gym or even do errands sans kids. It will also allow hubby and I to have some time alone together which has not happened in over two MONTHS. That is a good thing for our marriage, thus it's good for our children.
- Who do you think you are? You are not rich, you are not part of 'that' crowd. What are you trying to prove?
I'm trying to prove that I need my sanity, and time away from my kids helps. It's only 8-10 hours a week. I'm with them all the remaining hours.
- S. is at preschool. You have five hours less time with him a week. That should help.
Yes, I have five hours less with S., but I still have Tater Tot. Plus, it's only FIVE hours less. That's not a whole bunch.
And the list goes on... I essentially feel a lot of guilt over wanting a sitter. The truth is that I could take care of my children myself, I just am not a happy person when I do not receive any breaks. My unhappiness affects my children, I'm sure, and it definitely affects my husband and my relationship. His work hours are never going to get less. I have listened to him tell me that things will slow down after ( x, y, z ), and it never does. Just yesterday, he told me that he had a meeting on Thursday at 5PM. This is my workout night. Remember, I feel so much better after I work out. It is very important, and something I can only manage to do two times a week lately. Well, now it's down to one day this week. That isn't going to cut it. Again. I'm not mad at hubby or his work, it's just the situation that I am mad at. I am always the one who has to change my plans. I'm a stay at home mom, so my time isn't a priority. My time is more flexible, and it doesn't pay the bills, so I have to change. I only wonder how in the hell I'm going to go back to work? Hubby goes on business trips, usually out of the country, works long hours and basically can't be depended on to be able to make it home at a predetermined time. Like yesterday, a meeting was called at the last minute. Of course, he had to go, it's his job. I am just beginning to wonder when it will be MY turn. And the truth is, I don't ever think my turn will come.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Thursday, September 21, 2006
It's hard to believe S. is almost four years old, and in preschool! As I drove up the first time, I thought I'd have no problem. I mean, I had been looking forward to this day for a long time, and so had he! However, emotions are a funny thing. They sneak up on you in ways you never expected. As I, in my van, waited in the line of other cars I felt something in my throat. That's odd, I thought. I'm not going to be one of those parents. You know, the ones who can't seem to cut the cord already! Then I started to remember my little boy. I remembered seeing him for the first time, how inept I was at being a mom in the beginning, how it was just the two of us after my mom died and hubby went back to work. It was always the two of us. He became my buddy, my best friend. There were times when I only wanted to be around him. He didn't 'expect' me to snap out of my pain, nor put on a huge show of how wonderful everything was. With him, I was free to be who I really was at that time. He just wanted his mommy close by. He just wanted mommy to play with him, or sing and dance with him. Sometimes I had to turn on the radio so I wouldn't lose it and cry over missing my mom. S. to this day, still loves music. And now the Tot does too. They both dance when they hear music on.
So, the first day of organized schooling caught me a bit off-guard. I know that S. can be difficult at times, but the truth is this boy has changed my life in the best ways possible. He has made me a better person. Thus, as I try to mold him into a caring, respectful, intelligent, and confident young man, he is doing the same to me. I definitely am more confident, loving and empathetic, and I have my first baby to thank for that.
***Teachermom, notice how there is no date on the picture of S. Thought you'd like that:)
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
When he gave it to me, I said,"Oh, you feel bad, don't you?" He kind-of smiled, and said,"No... (unconvincingly)...I was going to give it to you for Christmas and I couldn't wait." He knew how bad me being pregnant and subsequently giving birth would be for all of us.
Later, when I got my period, we laughed and I said,"Yah, if I had been pregnant, I would have told them to just wheel me off to the pysch. unit. No use in sending me home." Hubby then said,"Well, they're both on the second floor. They'd just have to wheel you to the other side. Hey, maybe THAT'S why the maternity and psych. unit are on the same floor." Yah, because maybe I'm not the only one who loses her mind after having kids.
The big lesson learned here is that the hubster needs to go have that ol' semen analysis done. It's been two months since the big V. It's time. And THIS TIME when I mentioned that to hubby, he didn't get all snippy, and 'When am I going to find the time' on me. Nope. This time he said, "Yah, I do." And he WILL. This I know.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
***To add insult to injury, I just went on Old Navy.com to order a pair of jeans I tried on the other day, in my size. They didn't have my size in the length I need. I am 5'4", which puts me on the border between petite and normal. This has always caused me problems! At any rate, I figured it would be no big deal to order them online, but alas, I was wrong! So now that I am definitely not pregnant and can officially buy a new pair of jeans, but wait, I can't! Can I catch a break here! By the way, yet I am beyond relieved, I feel kind-of stupid. Why would I think that I, infertile mrytle, could actually get pregnant by having sex with my husband. What was I thinking!
Hubby even called this morning, and wondered if things had started this morning. He asked the nicest way possible. It is kind-of funny for the both of us to be hoping my period starts when for years it was the opposite. As hubby said, if I were pregnant, it was definitely because a higher power wanted for it to be.
I really doubt that I am pregnant. Really. However, if I am I'm a little pissed because we went through so MUCH to get pregnant with the boys, and now that it would not be a good idea? POOF! I have come to terms with being a mom of boys. Am enjoying the boys even more now that they are getting older. I have finally gotten to a place with my body. It's okay, not great, but okay. In a few years I am going back to work. The light is there at the end of the tunnel. Why not let an infertile woman get pregnant. I certainly know how that feels.
***So question to woman who normally have regular, very regular cycles who were late once or twice and NOT pregnant. What was the reason you were late?****Question to ALL women who might know: What are reasons I could be late??? I'm not particularly stressed, no more than usual. I haven't lost a bunch of weight. I did start a new medication for my bladder aroung the time of ovulation. I have not exercised excessively. There has to be a reason! I don't feel like having to call my doctor up to have an ultrasound to check for cysts, or have a blood test to check my hormones. I am SO HAPPY to not have to go to the doctors anymore!!!
So please, anyone, why could I have missed my period??? Hopefully in a few hours I'll be able to post that my period came and the all is right again!!!
Saturday, September 16, 2006
The Little Embryo That Could..and Did! (Posting late because blogger isn't letting me post pictures and I have finally given up!)
I was so excited! Secretly, I had taken an HPT that I had left over from another cycle. I took it the Monday before the beta was going to be taken, which was a Wednesday. It instantly showed two pink lines. It showed a positive so fast that I thought the test must be defective. Off to Target I went!
Tuesday, I got the same result. I began to think that maybe I really did have a chance. Hubby wouldn't believe it until the doctor told us.
The ironic thing is that hubby ended up getting the stomach flu from the S., and stayed home from work that day. He was home when Dr. S. himself called with the good news. He also told me my HCG number was 479 !!! So my levels were already in the 200 range when I had taken my first HPT. No wonder it turned positive and dark right away! I remember the Dr. also saying to me,"You're thinking multiples with a number that high, aren't you? I am too." Hubby walked by our room that I was in, peeked his head in, and I gave him a shake of my head, and a thumbs up I believe, to tell him the news. How romantic! How did you tell your husband that you were pregnant? I shook my head yes. Well, I WAS on the phone at that point trying to get all the information. Two days later, I was throwing up. Hubby and I were worried about high order multiples at that point. I mean, getting sick at barely 4 weeks pregnant....does that EVEN happen??? But as weird things had been happening to us for awhile, we surely didn't count it out. Turns out I had gotten that lovely stomach flu strain. What fun that was!
I did end up getting morning sickness that was a lot worse than with my older son. That and a bruised ass from all of the progesterone injections. Worth every. single. bruise though.
I still have ultrasound pictures of the two babies. Those are bittersweet. I tend to look only at the ones of the Tot. I also have the petri dish they were conceived in, as well as the pictures of all three beautiful embryos. How many kids can say they have pictures of themselves at literally three days old?! That is a cool thing about IVF. What a wonderful day September 15, 2004 was! We found out about our Tot, and nine months later our family was complete.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Monday, September 11, 2006
- Heard about the first plane hitting the first tower while driving to work. Honestly believed that the plane must have made a mistake, such as flying too low.
- Just minutes after I walked into the teacher's lounge, I saw the second tower being hit, and instantly knew that was no mistake, we were under attack.
- Verbally said that I believed Osama Bin Laden was to behind it.
- Had to go upstairs to my classroom. Saw my fellow 4th grade teacher had her television on in her room. Her husband is an American Airlines pilot stationed in Miami, where the planes originated from. He also was set to fly to the east coast that morning; a very normal thing for him to do. She could not reach him by phone, and could not verify that he hadn't been the pilot of one of the planes. She was beyond numb and worried.
- Turned my tv off before the kids arrived.
- Talked about it with my students; probably more than I should have. I felt talking about it would help, because even the kids who didn't hear about it before school, would surely hear about it before they went home.
- Our principal went to every classroom telling us not to turn on our televisions, and not to talk about what happened. Parents were called and told they could pick their child up if they wanted to. Only one of my students was picked up early.
- Our school was on lock-down. No going outside to recess even though it was a gorgeous day. Try explaining THAT to the kids when you weren't supposed to be saying anything in the first place!
- Watched coverage at lunchtime with all the other staff members. It was completely quiet in the lounge except for that tv.
- Went home, and all I remember was when I got home there were no television stations that weren't broadcasting about the attacks. I talked to my mom I think.
- Hubby and I went out and bought an American flag and immediately put it up.
- Hubby had a business trip scheduled for the next day. I thought and hoped they would cancel it because I couldn't imagine not being able to set my eyes on him each night. Planes were discontinued, but he could travel by car.
- Giving my hubby my car, his car was having minor problems, because I wanted him to be as safe as he could be.
- We were supposed to have an Open House Night at school/work the next night. The board decided it should go on as planned.
- Walking into the school seeing the words God Bless America on a banner in front of the main entrance. Thought to myself, 'this is a public school. We aren't supposed ot have any mention of God in or near the school. No one complained.
- All of the area hospitals had cancelled their non-essential surgeries for a day or two. I thought, 'Great. I'm supposed to have my surgery on Friday to see why I can't get pregnant! Everything always goes wrong! I'm never going to have a child! Now I can't even adopt because of the state of the world! (Immediately felt guilty for thinking of myself.)
- My mom found out her cancer was back that week.
God bless all of those who died for our country. God bless the families and friends left behind. Most of all God Bless America!
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
In this dream, or nightmare more like, my husband who was my boyfriend only, broke up with me. We had been together eight years, and had even begun living together. I was having a very hard time with this, and my mother was the one comforting me. She even took me to get my hair done, and sat and talked with me. I discussed all of the things that I was going to miss about him, even sex. I felt so incredibly lonely! I talked about spending eight years with him, and not being so young anymore. That most people were married at my age, so how was I ever going to find someone else?
And then at the end, it turned out I was wrong. He was just mad at me; he hadn't broken up with me at all. I was so relieved and happy. I woke up feeling very unsettled. I liked talking with my mom, but the rest of the dream was awful. That creepy feeling has lingered.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
It just seems that having two kids means more whining and screaming and just noise in general. I foolishly though it would be a nice reward to take S. to get his favorite lunch: a toasted plain bagel with peanut butter on top. Yah, my kid thinks fruit is a dessert item too. Oh, and he turned down an offer by hubby for McDonald's on the weekend. I'm sure this will all change as he gets older! Anyway, something didn't go his way, and he threw himself on the floor and loudly cried. I was having trouble carrying everything, including the Tot, and then I had to deal with that. Shame on me for trying to make him happy.
I just have hit a wall recently. I love my children with all my heart, but to be honest, I'm not happy staying home anymore. Now yes, there are days when I count my blessings that I could be there for a certain event or when one of the kids learns something new. It is great to be able to see it the first time it happens. But I have been doing this for four years. Putting myself last. If hubby works late, then I work late. By the end of the day, I am tired and could use an extra pair of hands. Don't you have a babysitter, you ask? Not anymore. She had the gall to get a teaching job...I am really happy for her, but she was an incredible help! As I've said before, my hubby works very long hours, which are going to get longer now that the summer is over. I am drained. I come last. I feel invisible. I feel like I have no identity that is my own. I am someone's mother, and someone's wife. And while I am so happy to be both those things, I long to have something that is just mine. Something that gets my juices flowing again.
As it is now, if I want to go to an event I have to pack the kids and take them with me. Which doesn't seem so bad until you take into account how freakin' long it takes to get everyone ready and out of the house. I do have things I attend that have child care, and that is so wonderful. But like I said, it is an all morning production to get out of the door. I am also extremely organized. Everything that can be done the night before is done. Clothes out, bag packed, heck I even have their breakfast layed out ready to add milk to and mix up. Sippy cups are even filled with milk so I can just hand it to them while I unload the dishwasher, and try to eat something myself, and then get ready. So I don't know how to make my mornings go any smoother.
And tonight, Hubby and I are going to a parenting class at our church, where they also have childcare for the babies and classes for the kids. S. LOVES it! However, Hubby will have to meet me there at 6:45. Which means I am in charge of getting everyone fed, ready, packed and out the door, as well as to their respective classrooms while at the same time making sure that I ate something, oh, and hoping that I make it to my class on time without smelling bad because I have sweat so badly.
Sorry to gripe. I just had to get this out. I know hubby was oh so happy to hear it earlier. I want a date with my husband, I want a reason to dress nicely again. I want to be respected. The problem is how do I make it happen?