The Two Sides of Motherhood

Hubby and I have been revisiting the idea of hiring another sitter. My brain/mind knows this is the right thing for me to do. However, my heart believes that I should be able to take care of my children myself. That I shouldn't need help. The following is what goes on in my mind when I think about the topic of a sitter. I love bulleting, so I'll use it here. It's more organized, and I just love being organized!

• The first thing I think about is how I should be able to 'handle' taking care of my children. I mean generations of woman have done it!

Then I think about the fact that many women had help. They had family members that lived close by. I have no one. My mom is dead, my in-laws are not in the picture, my dad and his wife work, and my brother has his own three kids to deal with. Many women that I talk to have someone like that to help them. I do not, so hiring someone shouldn't make me feel weak. Admitting I need help is not a bad thing.

I tell myself that I could be saving money, or at least buying something I'd enjoy like the clothes I so desperately need, by not hiring a sitter.

Then I think what better way to spend money than to hire someone who will help me save my sanity. I was happier when I could go to the gym or even do errands sans kids. It will also allow hubby and I to have some time alone together which has not happened in over two MONTHS. That is a good thing for our marriage, thus it's good for our children.

• Who do you think you are? You are not rich, you are not part of 'that' crowd. What are you trying to prove?

I'm trying to prove that I need my sanity, and time away from my kids helps. It's only 8-10 hours a week. I'm with them all the remaining hours.

• S. is at preschool. You have five hours less time with him a week. That should help.

Yes, I have five hours less with S., but I still have Tater Tot. Plus, it's only FIVE hours less. That's not a whole bunch.

And the list goes on... I essentially feel a lot of guilt over wanting a sitter. The truth is that I could take care of my children myself, I just am not a happy person when I do not receive any breaks. My unhappiness affects my children, I'm sure, and it definitely affects my husband and my relationship. His work hours are never going to get less. I have listened to him tell me that things will slow down after ( x, y, z ), and it never does. Just yesterday, he told me that he had a meeting on Thursday at 5PM. This is my workout night. Remember, I feel so much better after I work out. It is very important, and something I can only manage to do two times a week lately. Well, now it's down to one day this week. That isn't going to cut it. Again. I'm not mad at hubby or his work, it's just the situation that I am mad at. I am always the one who has to change my plans. I'm a stay at home mom, so my time isn't a priority. My time is more flexible, and it doesn't pay the bills, so I have to change. I only wonder how in the hell I'm going to go back to work? Hubby goes on business trips, usually out of the country, works long hours and basically can't be depended on to be able to make it home at a predetermined time. Like yesterday, a meeting was called at the last minute. Of course, he had to go, it's his job. I am just beginning to wonder when it will be MY turn. And the truth is, I don't ever think my turn will come.