Thursday, May 25, 2006

Be Careful What You Wish For

My oldest son never seemed to care when I left him with a family member or even in the church nursery. I must admit to you that my feelings were hurt a bit by that. When friends would talk about how awful it was to leave a child screaming and crying, "Mama!", I would secretly wish that my child would show some form of regret by leaving. I would read books which said that my son was clearly comfortable with me leaving because he was very well-adjusted, etc. But I thought to myself that all of my friends were very good parents as well, so obviously it wasn't something that I had done that made him this way. I correctly came to the conclusion that it was more of the way his personality was. He was born this way. Yes, I believe he's well-adjusted, but so are many children who suffer some form of separation anxiety. I wanted to believe it was my superior parenting, but deep down I knew it wasn't. Boy was I right about that!

Son #2 has developed a lovely case of separation anxiety. At about 3 months I began leaving him in the church nursery with no problems. Our wonderful babysitter is also the head of our church's nursery which has worked out rather nicely, I tell you. He is still fine at church as well as with our sitter. He must think she's a second mother of sorts! At any rate, if I try to take him to the gym with me, he literally cries the whole time. Breaks my heart! I have tried to make the transition as smooth as silk, but it never works. I painfully schedule the entire morning before we go so that Tot has eaten enough, slept enough, has dry pants, is in cmfortable clothing, and has been given Motrin should he be cutting another tooth. All to no avail. The kid screams, the kid cries, a staff member comes to get me. They always question me about things I've done too. The last time was the suggestion of a pacifier. He is ONE year old. I am not going ot START giving him one again. I told them he used to take one, but hasn't in awhile. I don't want to start that all over again. He gave it up on his own, which was rather nice. I don't know what else to do. My older son LOVES, LOVES,LOVES going to the gym with me. He gets upset if I don't take him. I now am having my babysitter come to my house two days a week, so I can exercise. I am also paying the family rate for our membership because it includes babysitting which I still do need at least once a week. I just don't know what to do anymore. Do I just take him and he'll eventually get used to it, or stop exercising which has really been good for me???

Tot also makes this lovely scream when my hubby or I leave the room. We can actually just walk to the other side of the room and he'll cry and flail around. I feel so bad for him, but at the same time I seriously end up getting a headache after awhile. I mean I can't sit next to him the whole day. I love that he seems to care that I'm around, but this is getting to be too much of a good thing. I guess it goes back to the old adage: be careful what you wish for!

Monday, May 22, 2006

Burned Out!

Now, of course, I believe my children are blessings from above. That goes without saying. But lately I am beginning to feel what I have coined 'Mama Burn-out'. One son does a blood-curdling scream-thing to get our attention: believe me, he's got it! And the other is doing the lovely 'Huh? I-didn't-hear-you-thing'. He did this in the bakery while I was ordering Tot's birthday cake. S. kept walking away from me, which he knows is a no-no. Yep, I went and grabbed his hand, and yep he did the whole scream-cry-drop to-the-floor-thing in front of everyone. This bakery is in the old part of town, so I was the youngest by at least 30 years. Yah, no sympathy there! I think motherhood is like any job, sometimes you need a vacation. Unfortunately, I don't have any 'vacation time' to use. It seems like I do the same things over and over. Get up with the kids, change baby's diaper and tell S. to get his undies on, feed children, get children dressed, play, Tot's morning nap, feed Tot, go out to do whatever needs to be done, come home, fix lunch, naps, get kids up, feed them snacks, playtime, dinner, yada, yada, yada. As I told a friend recently, some days I feel like I got a degree and all I do is change diapers!

After all that we went through to have these children, I feel guilty saying I need a break, but I do. I really do.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

My Miracle is One

I can't believe it has been a whole year since I gave birth to our miracle baby. The baby we never thought we'd have. I remember thinking he was so sweet, and wanting to constantly hold him after he was born. He had the sweetest eyes, and seemed to love being held from the moment he was born. His birth was so much easier than his brother's, and we bonded immediately. He made me feel complete.

He had to deal with an experienced, yet depressed mama, and I prayed to God often that he would never know that. Never remember it. I think we both grew a lot this year. He in size and ability; me in finding who I am and believing in myself. I owe most of my resolve to better myself to this little baby boy. So young, but already so important to many people.

He has a brother who tells us often how happy he is to have a little brother. A brother who kisses and hugs him so much that his brother gets tired of it! A brother who is happy not to be alone, but to have a brother to share his life with. We are so grateful to God for this too.

So little boy, please know you are my heart, my soul. You made our family complete. Your father and I hope you have a great first birthday, and that you know how much you are loved. Forever, my son. Forever.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I Did Have A Great Mother's Day!

My wonderful brother and SIL watched our kids so hubby and I could go here. It was so nice! It was just hubby and I for 24 hours. I have never left my children overnight, so this was a much-needed break. We re-connected, more than once!, and feel better about everything. Being a mom is so hard, but never getting a break is not good for anyone. The boys had a good time with their cousins. Heck, S. didn't even want to come home!

Hubby and I pretty much could have used another night as well. Oh, the fun we had! We had dinner at our favorite pre-kids restaurant. I had a Filet with the best mashed potatoes and wine. Yum! Hubby actually could enjoy a drink as well since he would not have to drive home. And the dessert! The dessert!!! We went to Ghiradelli's whereupon I had a chocolate soda and hubby a hot fudge sundae. I am on day three of working out just to make up for it! We walked Michigan Avenue up and down. Looked at the fancy stores and made comments. It was so nice. What was also great was how obvious it was that hubby was very interested in me. It wasn't just about the sex, although that was good, it was about reconnecting. I love my husband in a way that I can't describe adequately. He is my everything plain and simple.

After opening up gifts and cards back at our house, S. asked the Tot in a normal tone,"Tot, do you like your penis?" I told hubby that I'm sure he does, as most men just love them. This was the best Mother's Day I ever had!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Communication is Key!

Hubby and I had a talk last night, and things have been very good since. It even appears as though he may be home a little earlier from now on. The greatest news? He'll be home by noon every other Friday!!! The boys will be as happy as I am! I think this Mother's Day will be a good one.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Trying to Find Myself All Over Again

I tell you, I always think to myself that I am doing very well this time of the year. Sure I'm a little cranky, a little low, but that has nothing to do with the time of the year, I say. Yah, right. Keep dreaming formerteacher, keep dreaming!

Today my wonderful babysitter came ALL day, so I was able to do the million things that I had on my list. I was able to make my Vacation Bible School Meeting on time no less. Note to self: do not always say yes. I am starting to freak a little by all that needs to be done in a short period of time, and that I have to rely on junior high school kids to complete the activities that are planned. Oh, and the age group I'm teaching is preschool. Yah. Let's just say that so far my co-leader and I are the only ones scheduled to show up for Saturday's Volunteer Breakfast! Not lovin' those junior high kids right now.

Afterwards, I tried to take the tot to get his pictures taken at Kiddie Kandids, BRU, and they didn't have an opening until 2PM. Naptime. Great. I took tot back to the house to be with the sitter while I thought I could get some shopping for me done. ( laugh) Yes, again, the kids got something and I got nothing. I feel slovenly lately. Is that a word? I wanted to get something pretty. I should have realized I just wasn't motivated. I am also getting sick of all of the Mother's Day promotions around here. And pissed off because I have no mother to buy a card for. If you sense some pent-up anger in my words, then you are right. I mean can't I accept what has happened, but still find myself downright effin' pissed off from time to time? The only positive this year is that I don't have to go to 'you know who's' house and pretend to want to freakin' be there, when all I want to do is go home and cry.

I'm also feeling a big time disconnect with my husband right now. I think it's just the way life is right now. Hubby works a lot, plays basketball on Monday nights, works out on a few other nights, and sometimes has a work function that he wants to go to. Besides, he seems to not have heard me when I told him pre-o sex is out until he gets the big V, but post-o sex is okay. Please do not tell me I could get pregnant that way. When you've dealt with infertility for years, and charted, used the $200 fertility monitor and charted etc., etc, you know the signs to look for to determine when you're fertile and when you're not. Hubby finally made the appt. for the consult. We may have a regular sex life some day. So conversation, time together, and sex have been a no show lately which leaves me feeling like I have a roommate/best friend instead of a husband. I thought that after busy season, five months worth, we would finally have time together. I told myself to hang on until then. Now I'm just sick of waiting. Tonight he went to a dinner for a co-worker who was taking a job at another division in the company. Usually they have these parties for people who are leaving the company only. Well, hubby was upset that he didn't get to go to the last one since he had to work late, so he wanted to go tonight. What could I say since I had help during the day? Course, I did have the sitter stay later than usual, but again I had to deal with the kids during the worst time of the day for them. Did I mention S. didn't take a nap? Yep, that made for a particularly enjoyable evening, I tell you.

I'm sorry for rambling, but I'm just feeling a bit unappreciated here. I'm trying to reclaim more of myself now that I am no longer procreating. So any clothes that I buy should continue to fit all season long. I'm working out, and not just to lose the baby weight and then gain it again. I can finally start planning for the future. I don't intend on staying home for a long time. I have a plan, but when can I institute it? The more success hubby incurs, the more of myself I lose. Who else is going to take care of the kids? If I didn't stay home, when would they see a parent? I think I'm getting tired of being a single-parent while being married. Sick of being unimportant. Sick of having nothing to wear because I'm not of Abercrombie age, nor am I ready to wear 'mature lady' clothes. I'm in between, which basically means a whole lot of nothing.

Monday, May 08, 2006

My Mother's Hero

When I was younger, I was not very close to my father. He was very into sports, and let's just say that I was not. My mom said he just didn't know what to do with me once I got past a certain age. We did have a strong love for animals in common, which was our bond. My mom used to say that we were too much alike, and that was why we often clashed. We are/were very stubborn with strong tempers. Both of our tempers have since cooled I am happy to say! I was also a mama's girl through and through.

Even as an adult, when I would call my parents' house, my dad and I would talk for a moment and then he would hand the phone to my mom. That's just the way it was. Hubby said he rarely saw us have a long conversation. It wasn't because we didn't love each other; we just didn't have much in common. Besides, with my mom and I being so close, it would have been hard for anyone else to have gotten close to me.

When my mom got sick, my dad rose to the occasion. He never let her down. He went to every chemo. appointment, and virtually every radiation appointment. I went to a few of those with my mom, and he really wanted to be the one who took her. I think he felt good about making sure she was taken care of.

As my mom got very ill, and she needed someone with her at all times, we got closer. And after she passed, we got very close. I felt awe at my father's ability to always put my mother's needs first. I mean the man never slept! How he did it I will never know, but I will be grateful to him until the day I die.

My dad had a bad childhood. So many people use that as an excuse to be mad at the world, or as the answer to why they never made something of themselves. Not my dad. He will tell you that it was my mom who saved him, and that is partially true. But he wanted better, so he did better. It was hard, and there are so many things about my childhood that I now understand. Watching hubby go through a similar situation really brings it into perspective just how hard my dad had to work to make sure he was a better parent and a better husband. But what ultimately gave me great respect for him was how he took care of my mom in her final years. He was dedicated to her, and misses her greatly as we all do. So thank you dad, for being our mother's hero, which in turn, made you mine.

(My dad always was a 'fitness junkie', and this is why I wish to share with you the picture of him with my boys. It was taken last summer.)

Sunday, May 07, 2006

I Should Have Known

Now that my lovely period is going away, I am feeling better. It's amazing how much hormones affect me! I also realized that I was missing my mom. Last week when it was the anniversary of her death, I kept myself insanely busy to avoid actually grieving. Ah, but I know that you can only bury your feeling long enough. Eventually, they will surface, and that is what they did.

I usually talk to hubby when I'm feeling this way. I also usually talk to my therapist, but did I mention she moved! Anyway, hubby has been dealing with another kind of grief, the grief of losing all of your family at one time. Yah, good times in our house! Unfortunately, his parents told a vastly different version of the occurrence a few weeks ago, and now he is being treated like the devil. We were still having a relationship with everyone else in the family, just not his parents. Well, not anymore. Real nice. He received a letter from his aunt at work, that used words and phrases such as "if I looked at you I'd cry", ashamed, diappointed, yada..yada...Whatever. Hubby never cared for this person, never felt a connection, so it's more her loss that ours.
The point here is that hubby is trying to deal with knowing that no one really cared, really cared, about him in the first place. He always held onto the hope that someday things would work out. Now he is faced with the fact that they never will, and that is hard. You don't want to believe that about your family. I feel badly for him, but I know this is something that he will have to work through, and all I can really do is to be there for him and listen. And I will. I will do whatever he needs to me to. I married a man. He always does the right thing, even when that very thing can cause him so many problems. The ironic thing about all of this is that all of my family, our friends, and co-workers love him. Hubby is a very genuine guy. He is a very moral person too. My mother absolutely adored him, so that is the best vote of confidence he could ever receive in my opinion!

The two of us have been very busy, and we need to take the time to connect again. I worry about burdening him, and he worries about the same thing. We need a bit of time to just talk, uninterrupted!, and get back to us again. I'd really like that.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

What Woman Do

I have been faithfully going to the gym. I have been happy about this, and even happier when I saw the numbers on the scale moving in the right direction. Today, however, upon stepping on the scale I noticed those same numbers going right back to where I started from. Which could mean two things. 1. I was mistaken last week by what I saw. or 2. I have gained back the same weight. I'm betting on #2. Lovely. It doesn't help that there were young people at the gym today, AKA 'younger than me'. You know, women the age which can actually wear sweatpants with words on them, and not get laughed at for thinking they are younger than they are. Being me, I always seem to compare myself to people I shouldn't; I think most women do. I looked at this girl, then at myself, and thought what an out-of-shape, muffin-topped mom I have become. When did that change? I mean I feel like I'm young, but obviously I am not. At any rate, this girl uses a machine I had wanted to try. I thought it was the old butterfly machine, my favorite machine from my high school and college years. You can tell where this is going, right? Yah, I tried that machine, and either I am too short or just oddly shaped, but whatever it is, I know I looked like a fool! And guess who was looking at me? Yep, her. I felt so old, and so out of shape. And no, it was not the butterfly machine. I found that machine later, but my confidence was already damaged, thus I was not willingly to possibly look like a fool again.

I was used to be the thin one, I think everyone has something unique about them. Some people are the funny one, the serious one, the brilliant one, the sexy one, etc. Well, I was the thin one, and I no longer qualify for that title. I don't know what's unique about me anymore. I know in my head that comparing yourself to a 21-year old is just a lose-lose proposition. Of course, there will be less sagg, less dimples, less weight. I know I had two large babies, and I'm not 21 anymore no matter how young I feel sometimes. Most days these things really don't bother me, but I'm menstrual, and majorly hormonal, so today this has been bothering me. I tell myself exercising is more about how I feel than how I look, and it is, but I just wish I could visibly SEE the changes already. No, patience is not my strong point. I feel like I'm doing this for nothing. I'm not thinner, I'm not any more tone, and I still have the pooch belly. I'm a failure. I pushed back buying capris and the like because I figured my shape would be changing, so why waste the money. Tomorrow, I'm going to buy two pairs of capris and two pairs of sandles. I'm going to try to come to terms with the fact that I'm not ever going to look like I want to look, or like I used to. Maybe, I'll even stick by the older people at the gym. I always feel thinner when I'm with them.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

My New Toy

After 'proving' that I would indeed go to the gym, my boys gave me an early Mother's Day gift: an MP3 player. I love music, and decided that the only way to keep myself motivated to exercise would be to have music on as I go. Problem was all I had was hubby's walkman with cassette player. One of my two workout pants has pockets, but man was that walkman huge! I suggested that maybe 'the boys' could purchase my gift a bit early, and they did. Saturday night I spent downloading my favorite Cds and 5 free songs. I am not really into electronics, so I never thought I'd get one of these, but I love it!