Saturday, May 24, 2008


The other day my friends and I took our children to lunch at one of our favorite places, P*rtilos. It's perfect because it has just the right amount of noise to cover up any whining or screaming that may come from our table, as well as good food that is fast. All of you with children know that there is only a certain amount of time kids will wait for food. When Hubby and I take the kids out for dinner, we almost always order right away. That way we get more time to actually eat our food. But I digress.

The kids did amazingly, and we all enjoyed some time together. We all bid farewell to each other, and went to our cars. I always praise my kids when they've done well, I can't forget all the 'positive reinforcement' stuff from when I was a teacher. So I belted them in, and told them how well that had down and how proud I was of them. I then got in the car myself, and turned on one of my Cd's. I turned around and looked and looked and looked behind me. That parking has always been an accident waiting to happen. I swear I did not see anyone backing out, so I started to back out of my space. Then I hear that awful sound....crunch, boom. I pulled my car up and heard my kids asking what had happened. I prayed the other car looked fine, and that was it. Nope, of course not. The older man and I got out of our cars, and I was so upset, replying,"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I had assumed I was at fault. This man was so nice, luckily. He had buffed out most of the damage on his car, and then came over to do the same to mine. He told me that it looked worse than it was. Yeah, on his car. He only had a small sedan, and his car had a minor scratch on its bumper, while my van, on its left corner bumper, is scraped up to the plastic. UGH! I had to use my cell to call 911 to have an officer come, which took 30 minutes. Thirty uncomfortable minutes. When he did come, he filed an incident report where stupid me said I backed into the guy. The policeman told us to try to settle it between ourselves, and if we can't do that to call our insurance companies. Gee, thanks Mr. Policeman. I never would've thought of that! The guy said he was going to call he insurance company, but wasn't going to file a claim since it was an older car, and not much damage at all, and already has scratches on it. I also called my insurance company and told them this and that it was my fault.

Later, the more I was thinking about it, the more I thought it was both of our faults. We had backed into each other. I drew a diagram, which I believe proved it. We were both in the middle backing out. Hubby immediately said the same even though I hadn't told him what I believed. I pray that this man doesn't file a claim, because like he said, it'll cost $1500 to fix a little scratch. I also am not having my van fixed.
What really upsets me is that I have never been in an accident. I even said that to my friend last week, and she told me not to say it because I was jinxing myself. Should've listened. See I never should have even said anything about the woman who almost hit us last week. I totally jinxed myself.
When Hubby called, what do you think was the first thing S. said? "Daddy, Mommy got in an accident." Lovely, eh?

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Not Enough Time

A few days ago, I was watching a re-run of 'Law and Order: SVU'. To summarize the plot, a man works extremely long hours. His wife ends up cheating on him. The three of them end up in the same room, and a verbal altercation takes place. The husband tells the boyfriend how much his wife likes to spend money, and basically that the boyfriend cannot afford the things she wants. The boyfriend retaliates with the statement,"At least I spend time with her." That sentence gave me a jolt. A big one. As much as I detested what this woman had done, I could empathesize with a husband who is never home, and the loneliness she felt.

Let me just reinterate what I have said many times on this blog, I love my husband and would never want to leave him, nor would I ever cheat on him. However, as I was thinking about what this character had said, I pondered why, just why, I felt that jolt. Many times I have heard about husbands who work late and yada, yada, yada.... Why did it bother me so much this time? Guys, I am emotionally and physically drained here. The evening that the show was on, happened to be the day my husband flew out of the country again. Thinking about the day he would be coming home, I then remembered a line in the movie 'Mr. Mom', yes I am aging myself, where the Michael Keaton character said to his always working wife, "Even when you're here, you're not really here." Amen! That's what it feels like. He's always gone, and when he is home, he's not really here. He has been travelling 60 percent of the time. I am getting plain tired of it. I feel lonely even though I am with my girlfriends and we talk about our husbands working long hours. I have long passed the frustrations of being a single parent. Now I am resentful of all that I do around here by myself. I am tired of taking the garbage out. I am tired of having to take the kids to the doctor only to find out that the oldest is wheezing and now he needs breathing treatments too. I am tired of having to wake him up to give him said treatments since he needs them every four hours. I am tired of not being able to ever call my husband since he is out of the country. I am tired of watching the other husbands in our neighborhood come home before 5:30. Guys, the only thing I don't do is mow the freakin' lawn, and I am thinking of hiring someone to do that, so we can have some extra family time. I am lonely and pissed off. It is after 7:00 here, and he still isn't home. I am also angry at another person, but I cannot talk about that on my blog.

So, there is never enough time for my husband and I. We haven't been without the children in over a month. I am drained. Not enough time. I wish my husband would spend time with me again.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Stupid People

To the dumptruck that pulled into the center median of the road I was on, and scared the woman in front of me, you are an asshole! To the woman in front of me who completely stopped in just a few seconds, you are an idiot! You almost caused a chain reaction crash. I, by the grace of God, did not hit you. The car behind me could barely stop, and he ended up sideways, and on and on. You scared the shit out me and my boys! Let this be a lesson to you. Do not, do not, slam your brakes on when a car/truck is pulling out of a parking lot, especially when there is a center median. I understand he freaked you out, but if I as well as all of the other cars, would have hit you, you would have been worse off than if the truck hit you.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Happy 3rd Birthday, My Son

It's hard to believe that you are already three years old! It seems like we were just bringing you home from the hospital.

So many things have changed since then. You are no longer totally dependent on us. This year you started talking...and talking. You give your brother a run for his money! Things are never quiet in this house. You definitely have your own opinions, and have mastered the word ,"No!". You idolize your brother, and when he's not around, you ask us over and over,"Where is S.?" Your big brother loves you too. He tries to teach you new things, and show you the things that he has learned. We can always find you by seeing where your brother is at! You have also started taking off your own shoes, putting your coat on the coat chair, putting your dishes in the dishwasher, putting your scraps in the garbage and putting the clean utensils away. You love to help me unload the dishwasher, and hand me things one by one, or at least put them on the counter. If something, such as a piece of paper, is on the floor you yell,"Uh-Oh!", and pick it up.

You love being outdoors! You would stay there all day if we let you. You try to ride your brother's new bike, and even though he's not happy, he helps push you around on it. Coloring has been on your list as one of your favorite indoor activities. Well, mainly watching us color. We recently painted some clay pots, and you loved it. This was the first activity that you were able to focus on for an hour. I had to tell you it was time to stop! It was so messy that it took me an hour to clean up. S. and you HAD to have showers, and your clothes had to be washed ASAP! Ahhh...but you had fun.

You are a people person, that's for sure! You love your 'Am-pa', as well as every one in our family. You love to talk on the phone to any of them. Today you talked to Cousin Michael, and you laughed and laughed.

Thomas, or any, trains continue to be your favorite. Mommy even made you a train cake for your birthday, which didn't turn out like I wanted, but you loved it anyway. When I was upstairs, you yelled,"I love you Mommy. Thank you for train cake." That melted my heart. It made the many hours I spent making it, as well as the inability to wash off the blue dye from the frosting, worth it. I looked like a smurf; hands, teeth, lips all covered in blue but you loved me anyway. You are very affectionate and often give us squeeze hugs. Your brother also constantly gives you hugs and kisses until you get tired of them, but you put up with it for a long time. You seem to think, 'Hey, it's my brother. It's okay.'

Speaking of food, oh my goodness, do you love to eat! We hear you say,"I eat? I eat?", when it gets close to meal time. Macaroni and cheese remains your favorite meal. You could eat it for lunch and dinner one day only to eat it again the next. Your brother often gets tired of it, but you don't seem to mind.

The new thing you are learning to do is going on the potty. One day you decided you didn't want a diaper anymore. Now we don't hear,"Butt hurt. Butt hurt," every time you poop in your diaper. Your brother showed you how to sit on the potty, and just like he did, you want to sit on the big potty. No little potty or toilet ring for you! You have mastered going pee to the point of going on the potty by yourself, but you still hide in the corner to poop. It's been frustrating for all of us. Flushing the toilet and washing your hands are what you like best about using the potty. You also continue to be the comedian of our family. You make us laugh all the time by making silly faces or sounds.

Oh, how could I forget your blankie. You have to take it everywhere! It's a good thing I gave you a burp cloth as a blankie. We have several spares, just in case. However, when I give you a freshly washed blankie, you scream and throw it. You know which one you've had that day or week by how it smells. I kid you not. Just smelling that blanket make you calm and relaxed. Turns out I was a blanket kid, too, so I understand the specialness of that little piece of fabric.

Well, our little miracle baby we are so happy to have you as part of the family. As I look at you playing by yourself or with you brother, I smile. Sometimes I still can't believe you are here. A dream answered, our little toe head. Your Aunt Ellen and I call you 'Little Jeff', because you look so much like your daddy did at your age. I am trying my best to be a good mom for you. Daddy is gone often, and your brother, as well as you and I miss him so much. It's hard being 'the three musketeers, but we do okay. Monkey Boy, know that you are precious to me. To us all. God gave us a blessing the day you were born, a true gift. Your Daddy and I will always be here for you, no matter what. Please remember that. Happy Third Birthday, and many more my baby!

Friday, May 16, 2008

Damned Tired With No End in Sight

I think I've mentioned several times that Hubby works a lot of hours. I know my complaining all the time about it probably makes you think: A. I'm a whiner, or B. She's lucky her husband has a job at all in this economy. Even if you haven't thought that, I have. The truth here is Hubby has been traveling out of the country for several weeks. He is now in the U.S., but he has so much work here to catch up on that he has been working 12 hour days. I kid you not. He gets to work at 6AM, and leaves at 6PM, which has not left a whole lot of time with the family. Yep, we both are burned out.
I remember when I was working, if I needed to make an appointment of any kind it had to be on Saturday. Guess what? That same theory applies to Hubby as well. Which means that tomorrow, he will be at the doctors. His appointment happens to be at noon; the middle of the day. I swear guys, if I have to make one more lunch, one more dinner, hell, one more damn breakfast I am going to pop. It is all me all the time. I think the boys are even getting tired of seeing my face! Hubby hates all of this time away just as much as I do, which means I can't have a major bitch fest. No one else would want to listen to me yell, so I guess I have to keep it in. This translates to 'Mama's going to blow--watch out!' to my kids. I have just lost any and all patience. It's been a month, with no end in sight. There's just so much work to be done. I feel badly for my kids. I have been cleaning majorly all week in what I know is my attempt to control my environment. My little coping mechanism. Yeah, I've learned a lot in therapy. Well, today I told the kids that I have cleaned and they better not make any messes because did you not hear me, I just cleaned! I picked up a can of Hubby's half finished can of Diet Coke that was on the counter AGAIN, that apparently he has a major damn problem with putting anything in the damn garbage, OR emptying the damn dishwasher, and drained its contents all the while yelling that, "Your father left another can on the counter unfinished, and I just cleaned." All I really do not like bashing my husband in front of the boys. My poor sensitive little S., upon completion of his lunch, took out the garbage can, and told me he was going to push the stuff down like I do. And he did. He even told me he is going to clean the family room after 'quiet time', when I ranted about the family room being a mess AGAIN. He gave me an awesome hug too. Wouldn't you love to live in my house? It's stress city over here.

Hubby took time off to go to S.'s preschool graduation, too cute!, and then I dropped him off. Tot cried,"Daddy!", which made Hubby and I feel horrible. Well, it mainly made Hubby feel horrible. I smiled like a Cheshire cat to myself. Tot cries whenever Hubby leaves these days. I have to try to calm him down by telling him that Daddy is coming back, which usually does not work. It also takes him a day or so to adjust to Hubby being home. Until then, whenever he gets hurt, he runs to Mommy, which makes Hubby feel bad. Do you see a theme here? We both feel bad a lot.

I am burned out. I'll say it again. I am majorly burned out, and I don't know what to do about it. I dream of taking the weekend off, and staying at a spa, and having massages... It's all a dream, though, because nothing ever changes around here. I am alone with the kids all the time, and I have yet to accept it.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Babysitter Etc....

Well, I did have that girl come over, and she seems very nice, and the boys like her. She is also very pretty, blond hair and blue get the picture. I could tell right away she was Dutch. There is a large Dutch community here, particularly at the Christian schools she attends. Prior to high school, she was homeschooled. I have never met someone who was homeschooled before, so I asked her how she liked it. She said she hated it; that she is a people person, and being home with her mom all day wasn't fun at all. It was interesting to talk with her about it. However, I thought I made it clear when I interviewed her that we would like to have her sit on one weekend night a week or every other week. So far that is not working out, but we'll see. Maybe in the summer she'll have more open time.

I have started back up at the gym again after four long months. They have a wonderful, large and clean kids' area. The boys love it, which has been helpful. I'll tell you though, it's kicking my butt! In the two+ years I've been going there, I have never missed so many consecutive months. My body is definitely feeling it.

Tot is completely pee trained, but don't ask me about pooping in the potty! Just the thought seems to scare him. He'll say several times in a row he wants to go potty, only to have no success every time. It's been frustrating for all of us. Speaking of Tot, I better go get him up from his nap. He is coughing hard. It's May for pete's sake! How can he be sick? Anyway, I'm going to give him some Albuterol. The boy hates his inhaler, but what can I do?

Monday, May 05, 2008

Maybe Some Good News???

I attend a weekly Bible study at a church that is not my own. I have done this for about 5 years now. Anyway, I have gotten to know the women well. When asked if anyone had prayer requests, I mentioned my quest for a sitter. Last week was horrible guys! One of the woman told me to write my info. down, and she would give it to some girls that she knows. That evening I got a call from her niece. She is only sixteen, I have mainly used college aged kids, but she said she drives, so that's good. Tonight, Hubby and I are interviewing her. You know talk to her to get a feel for whether she is responsible, trustworthy and if the kids take to her. Hubby thinks we shouldn't even bother, but I don't know this girl. I sure hope that this works out. Guys, I really need a break. I get the kids up every morning, and I am the one who puts them down to bed every night. Telling you that it is wearing me out is an understatement.

S. last week decided to put handsoap all over the mirror in the one bathroom. I had him clean it up. He did two more things, so then I had him wash one part of the floor. This is in addition to his weekly dusting job. There are two camps in my life. The ones who say, "Good for you All of the hard work you're putting in now will pay off.", and then the, "You're putting two much pressure on him. He's only five group." I guess you can't please everyone, not that I'm trying to.

Tot is in his third week of potty training. It's going pretty well. Pee-wise at least. The only exception is when he's with other people, and they give him too much to drink. Plus, if he's playing, he doesn't want to stop to use the bathroom. Poop-wise, he is trying, but it seems like he gets scared. He asks to go on the potty multiple times, but then can't go. He gets very upset. Last Friday, he even asked for a diaper when he had to poop. I should have just given him one as he ended up pooping twice in his underwear. Anyone who has ever had that happen to them knows just how awful it is! Presently, I am waiting for him to poop before we go outside. He has tried to go on the potty, got frustrated and I just gave him a diaper. Sometimes, he is able to hold it until nap time, just like his brother used to do. We always put a diaper on him when he's sleeping, so I figure if he can wait until then, it's a good sign and I am happy with it.

Well, I pray that this girl will work out. Last Friday I had a meltdown. Working 24 hours seven days a week mainly by yourself is just not working for me. This would be a good thing for us all. I'll let you know how it goes.