Christmas BS

Christmas is always a hot button issue in many households. You know, who's going to have the day at their house. Since my mother has died I have been cooking Christmas dinner. I believe only one Christmas I haven't). It really helps to keep busy on a holiday that is supposed to bring cheer and happiness, which does not do either one for me anymore. I dread the hoidays nearly as much as I dread the cold and snow which blankets us into spring. My mom was right, though, your kids get you through it. Never a truer statement was said. Without those little guys I'd either be in my bed under a blanket or in a warm place, but I digress.

My father has unofficially ruined what was left of Christmas for us. He has yet to tell me his wife is having the 'celebration' over at their house. Yes, it is only the 19th. If my SIL hadn't told me accidently on Thursday night, I still would think I was cooking. It appears I'm not even invited to this day where family means so much. My dad told said SIL that he would come to my house for an hour. I presume this is to see my sons who think that Grandpa and Grandma D. are coming for the day along with all of their cousins. My husband told my SIL that all I have is my brother, her and the kids as well as my dad. That's it. Unfortunately it's true. My dad's family is nuts and has dwindled in size. We don't celebrate the holidays with them, which believe me is a good thing. My mom's family is awesome, but most live in CA or AZ, and even then it's not a ton of people. I don't have those big families. Hey, I don't even have the sister I always wanted. Anyway. My father has not called me at all still. And we actually are quite close. I'm pretty sure my SIL told him how upset I was. My belief is if you can't call or talk to someone then you know what your doing is wrong.

It has turned out that now my brother and SIL are going to her family's on Christmas Day rather than Christmas Eve because she has to work until 4PM instead of the usual 2PM. So yep, we will be alone for Christmas. The holiday that can make me sob in an instance. My mother has to be turning over in her grave. So, thanks Dad. (We have since talked and apologies given. Still wish my mom was here. It's not Christmas without.)

Consequences

Have I mentioned how much I love my boys before? That they can drive me crazy, but as I've told them no matter what they do I will always love them. With that said, this was the second day I came down to a mess in the kitchen. Last week the boys were having a 'car wash' whereupon water got everywhere, and not just the chairs AKA cars that they were cleaning. My oldest also LOVES my Clorox Anywhere Spray. Today I walked down to the mess, should've know why they were so quiet. Well, another bottle of the Clorox was almost completing gone. This time I told him HE was paying for another bottle. Got the money out of his piggy bank, and to the store we went. I just hope he stops this before he runs out of money!

Little Boy No More

I'm sure every mother goes through the 'he's growing up too fast' moments. I also am willing to bet that these same mothers also have the 'he has got to get older and out of this house or we're going to kill one another' thoughts. BTW, just in case the perfect mom police are reading this, I don't mean literally kill each other.
The other day my neighbor said she could see the signs of S.'s little-boy look going away. He looks more like a boy, no little about it. Having four kids herself, she told me this happens around first grade. And even if she was a little off on her calculations, S. lost his first tooth. Time to lose those baby teeth and grow in his adult 'permanent' teeth. I'm okay with it as long as he doesn't ask me to pull them out. Yuk!

I think I have mentioned S.'s T-Ball career, and how he grew to love it, here. All of us wish T-Ball hadn't ended. We'd love to go to another one of his games. I am on the kids' computer, our old one, right now so I'll have to post the most adorable picture at another time. I took it at his first game. Damn, I love this kid more than he'll ever understand until he becomes a parent himself. Now if he would stop sneaking my food, get rid of the smart mouth, stop beating on his younger brother, listen and listen...and listen some more, I think we'd all be a lot happier!

New **Edited**

***The woman which I had been talking about, came to my house on Monday. I overreacted big time!
Since I have been the new person more times than I can count, I have always been sensitive to people who are new to the area. I've always done this in school too. I know how lonely and overwhelming it can be to move to a new area.

Back in the fall I met a women with a two-month old and a two year old. She was from another state, and left all her family behind to move for her husband's job. We exchanged e-mail addresses, as I told her all of the things that were out there for moms in our area.

I researched different classes for moms/kids. Family events, as well as churches. It took me a while to do, but that was fine because I like to help people out. I told her about the MOPS group that I am the coordinator for, the day and date of the next meeting. She did come to that, and seemed to enjoy herself, which was good. I invited her to my house afterwards for lunch as well as a play date for the kids. We did that a few times which was nice.
Even during the coldest weather we would meet at each other's houses. It was nice, and my kids love her and her kids.

She took on a job at nights at a sports bar type restaurant. Tips are great etc., but poor her, sometimes she doesn't get in until after 2:00 AM. She was going to try to do something about the hours since it's very hard to be a mommy when you've had no sleep. When she was in a bind one time, I took care of her kids who my kids love to play with.

I reminded her last month about this cool truck show for kids, and she made it. She ran into a few other people. I was calling her phone like crazy to to tell her where to meet us, but something wasn't right with her phone or something. Meanwhile she ran into other MOPS' members, and that's when I saw her.
Well, I've e-mailed her about getting together. At that time she was on vacation. I left it as when she got back into town, call me. I've never heard from her.
Last Friday, we had a zoo day with the MOPS group. I initially told her about it a month or so ago, and our member who sets these things, sent an e-mail reminder. I met up with a bunch of the members and had a great time, but no this friend. Come to find out, a few other members, the same o nes from the truck thing, decided to meet only with each other apparently. Well, she was with them. I knew that she had play dates with theses people which is cool. The more friends the better.

It seems as though I'm being divorced or 'phased out' as they said on one episode of Friends. This has happened to me several times before. I introduce my new friends and other friends, and they'd rather be with them. Now the MOPS moms I introduced her to never were good friends of mine, more like the kind that I only see at MOPS meetings, so it's not like I lose best friends or anything. It just kind-of hurts my feelings, you know. Has this ever happened to any of you???

Good vs. Average??? You Make the Choice

A random question that's popped in my head. Was/is it easier it break up with an average guy rather than a very goodlooking one? (or one that is better looking than another). Do you stay in the relationship longer because he's a good person and you love hearing how 'hot' your boyfriend is? Can his looks and the attention you subsequently receive, be intoxicating? Like the attention is great. It's fun having people be jealous, particularly people you don't like? Does the vision of a pretty picture with beautiful children make it harder to leave/be left? To miss the attention, for a little while, to come to peace that the pretty picture would have been a lie? To truly believe that the song by 'The Offspring' in which one of the lyrics reads "the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care" is the truth? Is a goodlooking man harder to get over when they break up with you? Even when you worried that some other woman would come along and he'd cheat on you? Or do you think in 10 years he's going to see all he's missed, and then a divorce will be looming in the horizon via Jon Gosseling? (I've thought about THAT situation lately)! Does your self-esteem plummet? Is it easier to get over an average looking guy than a goodlooking one? When you see him out in public would both guys make your heart thump in that 'oh my God. I haven't seen him in years' kind of way. Knowing that you loved them both, a lot, would one be harder to see now over the other? And the BIG question: would it feel weird/make you a little jealous to see him with another woman, and to see that he has a family with her? Like what did she have over me, even when you're the one who did the breaking up or vice-versa? Like she is living the life that almost was mine? Would it have been easier to break up with average guy than a goodlooking one? I know I'm talking myself into a circle here. Ala, Carrie Bradshaw--Sex in the City, I've really been wondering that. It's also a question you can't ask all your girlfriends; it's easier, and probably more truthful, to ask people outside your inner circle. I don't really know the answer, but I'd like to. Please let me know your thoughts.

Mish-Mosh

This summer has basically sucked weather wise. It rains every week, and many times it's for multiple days. Now we have cold winters. It is too much to ask for some summer-like weather? Anyway, we have been busy. With T-Ball practice and swimming lessons, and not to mention VBS we're keeping ourselves moving. The only problem with that is our house is cluttered, and I haven't gotten the energy to clean it. Anyone else that way? In the morning, I'm ready to go. Shortly after, though, I just don't want to do it. Now my house is clean, it's just cluttered with toys and the like. I hate clutter, but I'm learning to not stress over it.

I always have a blog entry in my head until it's time to write it. Sorry this is so boring. Hubby and I have decided we need to go see my grandfather and uncle's family. No one is getting any younger, and I want to ask my grandfather questions about our family so these stories live on. The older I get, the more I want to know our family's history.
For this trip, we would like to go sans kids. We'll only be gone 5 days. Since Hubby has travelled so extensively, we can get two tickets to fly free on United. We only have one more year until his points expire. I'm going to try to get my brother and his family to watch them. I will beg if that's what it takes! Originally, I had planned on having that babysitter/nanny person I hired watch them in the day, and in the evening my brother could pick them up. However, she quit before she even started! Apparently, she wanted a full-time position and mine is only part-time. It pissed me off because I had been upfront in the beginning and she accepted the hours. Anyhow, now my brother would have my kids all day and night. That's a lot with S. being so active. I just pray they can do it, because we need to buy our tickets ASAP. It would be pure bliss not having the kids on the airplane!

I do have a sitter come twice a week for a few hours. During that time I work-out, do errands and the like. It is so much faster and enjoyable to go without the kids. Boy, it must sound like I don't love my children and I do! I just need a break every now and then. Speaking of which my youngest still takes naps, but is the one that is currently making loud noises to get attention. The older one said he was going to sleep. As long as he's quiet, I don't care. (Now the older one is noisy. Great. What can I do?)

I can't believe Hubby and I will be married 11 years next week! We also were together three years prior to our wedding. I always thought I would get bored after being with someone for so long, but nope, I haven't.

Well, there you have it. A complete mish-mosh. Hopefully next time I have something to write about.

Sometimes the Truth Really Is Stranger Than Fiction

It's true. Michael Jackson really is dead. I thought it was some crazy news done simply for ratings, but sadly it's not. I like to remember the Michael Jackson of my youth. You know, the one who was black, and did the 'moonwalk' which my friends and I tried to replicate. The one who was such a good dancer. Whose video for 'Thriller' gave me nightmares when it first came out, but I watched repeatedly on MTV. When MTV actually played music.

I don't know what happened in his later years. He became freak. He became like an accident. You know, you shouldn't look, but you can't stop yourself. Then the children. Naming two of his sons Prince Michael did nothing to keep the press away. His weird behavior only fueled the fires And the stories constantly were being reported about. Some true, many not. There was just too much weird stuff to report. So, all I can say is so long MJ. Maybe you'll finally get whatever it is you need.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

I am definitely a person who does better with routine. Most of the time I don't do well with change.
A month or so ago, the tumbling place that my children have gone to since S. was 15 months old, closed. Now with the economy being the way that it is, the classes' numbers began to dwindle. You know where this is going. She wasn't making nearly the money that she used to. The owner of the strip mall refused to give her a break at all. Not even when the tumbling company's corporate office called. This owner was horrid on a good day. He did not maintain the building, and the shops' owners' frequently would have to clean up after a rainstorm, because he hadn't had the tuck pointing done. That's just one example. Well, our tumbling owner had to close her business. Her rent was always high, but now she couldn't afford to stay anymore.
She had a 'last day party', and we went. As I walked out of the door, the owner and I hugged. And we both were teary-eyed as I told her how hard it was for me to say good-bye to the place that was such an integral part of my children's' as well as my life.

Another two places have had to close because of the owner of the strip mall. Would you believe that this man actually said he would rather have vacancies than to give anyone a break? He is losing thousands of dollars a month and for what? Each business paid an average of $4,000 a month. Yeah, this man is definitely not a mathematician!

Well, guys, something happened that I never thought would happen in a million years. The 7-11 convenient store that part of said strip mall since I was very young, is leaving because they believe the rent is too high! The store started out as a White Hen Pantry. Two years ago 7-11 bought them and here we are.

I know it probably sounds silly to some, but I had/have gotten close to the people who worked there. They knew I came in the morning for my Big Gulp that would help me stay awake. They would even ring it up before I got to the check-out, because they knew my routine so well. A woman named Marie and I would talk about kids, husbands etc. Sometimes I was in the store for 15 minutes while we talked.

My point here is that I got to know the people. I guess it is a lot like the show 'Cheers' song. "You want a place to go where everybody knows your name." It is so rare these days that people even stop to simply say hello to each other, let alone have conversations.

My father talks about the area in Chicago where he grew up. People got to know each other. They knew each others family members etc., and it generally had that small town feel to it. That even though they had all the amenities that it was able to keep that feeling to it. That is how this one store felt. You wouldn't believe how many people showed up to say 'good-bye' to the workers. Our pseudo-friends. People that remembered you, and would always acknowledge you as you walked through the door.
There is no longer that place, and I'm judging by the amount of people were there to say their good-byes, more people than I want to have that place 'where everybody knows your name.'

Glad I Made the Decison

Yesterday, S. said that T-Ball was even better than last week! He was so smiley. I've learned that sometimes, as a parent, you have to take charge and hope that your decision is the right one. Believe me, I am SO happy this T-Ball adventure went the way that it did. Now if I could just get him to stop writing on his walls.....

The End and the Beginning

First off, I can't believe my oldest is a first grader! Don't worry, I am done complaining and crying....until next time. Poor S. was really bummed that both of the summer camps he used to attend have closed. Lovely economy, eh? I told S. that he needed to do something this summer. I rattled off several ideas, which he nixed almost immediately. I even asked him if he wanted to take an art class of some sort from Michael's Crafts. I wanted him to feel that he didn't need to play sports if he didn't want to. Just because his father and all of my family, except me, are involved with sports doesn't mean he has to do a sport. Well, he said no to that as well. Needless to say, the ball was in court, so to speak.

I decided to sign him up for T-Ball. When I told him, he got very angry with me. I said to him if after the five weeks, he decides that he doesn't like it, he won't have to play again. This morning was the first practice. He was very nervous, and me running late didn't help, I'm sure. I watched his practice with his brother who kept yelling, "You go S!" "Good job S.!" That made S. very happy. He just kept smiling and smiling. The practice involved mainly running today, which is S.'s favorite thing to do! After the practice I saw him still smiling. He said he liked it a lot now that he's been there.

I am proud of S. Proud that he overcame his fear. Proud of him for trying his best. I think he's going to be just fine. Maybe even better than fine. Next week, the husband is on vacation, and gets to go to the practices too. I know S. will be over the moon then. Who doesn't love having their mommy and daddy with them? Even though S. can be a real pain in the butt, I love that kid with all my heart and soul.

The Freedom of Youth

Yesterday we had a beautiful day. The weather was nice, and the feeling of no more winter weather felt very good. When I was younger, the beginning of the holiday weekend also energized me. The warm weather, a three day weekend, wearing shorts-I felt so free. Free to do what I wanted. Free to begin new things and simply to venture out and have fun with friends. The world was mine to grab! Things to look forward to doing. I had the freedom to just go and do what I wanted. I truly felt that way yesterday, but quickly remembered that I don't have that life anymore.

I actually have the life I always wanted. The life I had talked about having when I 'grew up.' A wonderful, compassionate husband with a career! A beautiful neighborhood where neighbors talk while working or playing outside. A safe place for my kids. A nice home. Stablitity-never having to move much or not at all. Two beautiful, healthy children.

But now that that world is reality, I feel somewhat stiffled. I can't just leave. I have to have someone to watch the boys. Then I have only a certain amount of time to enjoy my 'parental freedom' if I do find someone. I have the realization that I am no longer in my 20's with the world ahead of me. I have lines on my face from thinking too much, as well as from smiling. I have always thought too much. A long-time boyfriend would play a Billy Joel song,'It's Only Rock and Roll to Me'. One of its lyrics was 'If you try to be a straight-A student, and you are, then you think too much.' I was always too serious. I should have laid back and enjoyed my college days much more. I needed to loosen up. In the end, my grades got me an academic scholarship that enabled me to attend college, so I probably did the right thing, but I still needed to have more fun. Stop worrying about things that I couldn't control. Stop staying in the rut that I was in. But I let those years go by without experiencing life. I just was looking in. I didn't understand that life was going to get so much harder, so I should take advantage of the right now.

I did miss a lot. I regret it now. I had people tell me that I would. That I was 'anal-retentive'. I knew I was, but I didn't know how to have 'fun'. Oh sure I went to a few parties where I drank too much, or chain smoked even though I wasn't a smoker. I even had the time, in my ex's car, where I threw up in the car as well as out of the window onto Lakeshore Drive because I had too much to drink that night. But it lasted not for long, and I then had to get myself back into gear. There wasn't time for much of that. (Not that I like throwing up:)

I have wasted too much time. Now I am the one listening to the 'classic rock channel' on the radio. You know, some G N' R, Black Crows, Rolling Stones, and many more. I do LOVE my music, so I do listen to the hip-hop station, which my nephew and I talk about. But I am still the adult.

When I first became a Facebook user, I noticed a lot of long-ago friends. It didn't take long for me to realize that these people from long-ago had wrinkles too. That we were the age I remembered my mother was at when I got together with those friends. We are now the 'older ones'. No longer the generation who sung along with Kurt Cobain's 'Smells Like Teen Spirit.' Not the ones drinking in front of the bonfires in the small town I lived in. No longer the ones who could talk on the phone for hours and still have plenty to say...about ourselves. Not talking about diaper cream, preschools and baseball sign-up.

A week ago I read the book my mother left to my kids before she died. It was a book about Grandparents and their lives. A fill in the questions type of book, so they could learn something about their grandmother they've never been with. I kept hearing her regret over and over about not doing the things that she always wanted to do, but never did. I need to learn from this, and believe that as long as I am on this earth, I need to not give up those fancy-filled days. I need to find a way to fulfill my dreams, so I don't have regret at the end of my life. My mother would be proud, as would I. Now I just need to find a way to do it, and not be scared to death.

Finality of Babyhood

As this school year ends, I cannot believe that this coming year I will have a second year preschooler and a first grader. It hurts my heart to even type this. I know that I will have three mornings to myself, and that I always talk about having no time for myself, but somehow that feels lonely. For nearly seven years I have had one or both boys with me. It's going to feel weird being just me. I know I'll probably get used to, but it will take some time.



The real heartache will be when Tot goes to kindergarten and then first grade. I don't know what I will do then. I know I'm getting ahead of myself here, but I'm a worrier by nature.



I am looking for a summertime sitter, which kind of goes against the feelings I've just described. So far I have one candidate that sounds great. She's a fifth grade teacher with a master's degree who wants to earn some exta money in the summer. You know, us teachers don't make a lot of money! She also has babysat for a friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a long time but like. My friend is listed as a reference. I used SitterCity to find some one who will even watch the boys on a Saturday since Hubby and I rarely get out by ourselves anymore. We need to get connected again.



A few Saturdays ago we dropped off our crib and changing table. I thought since it was hard for me to even take down the crib, that I would be fine when we dropped it off. I mean we donated it to a wonderful charity. They were so surprised that they were in good condition. As we took the crib parts out of the car, I remembered the day we picked them out. I always wanted a sleigh crib in the exact color they had. It was perfect! That day was so exciting as was picking out the bedding and decorations for the room. Getting all the baby clothes washed and put away from our shower was so surreal. It took us a long time to get pregnant that it didn't seem like a baby would be sleeping in that crib! And now I had folded up that bedding and handed it to the woman who runs the charity. We rolled in that matching changing table, and gave them the bolts to help them put it back together...for someone else.



I guess all good things come to an end. It is just so surprising to me that I'm not the young mom. I'm the older mom, the experienced mom. And while that feels good sometimes, it also feels final. No more babies, no more cribs, no more sweetsmelling skin. Onto boyhood with all of those boy smells. I guess life goes on no matter how we try to freeze a moment in time. Now I just need to accept this.

Wow-A New Post!

I'm doing a lot better. Just tired of cloudy skies and rain...rain...rain! I'm trying to figure out activities for the kids to do this summer. I registered S. for preschool, which has upset him, but so far Ryan has nothing to do. Trust me, while I love my children, we cannot be together 24/7. I do have to sign them both up for swim lessons. I just have to pick a place.
Anyway, I am very tired. I'm sure it's evident by this boring post! I know I need to get to bed before midnight, but I'm a night owl, and this is when I get everything done. I have a better post in the works. I'm sure I've bored you all!

Anxiety

Lately, particularly today, I have been feeling overwhelmed and anxious and behind on everything I want to or think I should do. I've been meaning to post more here, but again, I haven't. Why? No good reason. I just feel overwhelmed and believe that I don't have time to write. Or the kids are down here and fighting, which really pisses me off! Then it's truly not worth it. I feel trapped, and like there isn't much to look forward to. Hubby and I used to go out at least 1-2 times a month. Not often, but it was a real help. I felt like myself instead of only some body's mother. Don't get me wrong. My children were hard won, and I love them more than I can say in words, but sometimes I need to be away. Hubby doesn't want to leave the boys on the weekends, because it's the only time he really gets to see them since he works so much. Me? Well, I definitely get enough time with them, and just need a break.

I feel like there are so many things that I have to do, and I haven't go them totally done. Almost done, but not finished. And then all these loose ends that I have need to be tied up. They just keep adding up in my brain, which makes me not want to deal with any of them.

Hubby took down the crib awhile back when Tot got his BBB. It is currently being help in our utility room. It's been weeks since I've been able to get a light and battery out. The crib is leaning on the closet door. I even found a place that would take it and be grateful for it. But still it's here taking up a lot of space, and making me feel more anxious.

I don't get to talk to a whole lot of adults, at least in person, since my oldest has afternoon kindergarten. It breaks up the whole day. In the same breath, I feel sad that next year he will no longer be at home at all during the week. And Tot will have preschool Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings. I always wanted some time to myself, but thinking about it is enough to make me cry. Just the thought is enough to make me feel lonely.

This afternoon while at Tot's parent/tot tumbling class, we found out the owner is closing her business. With the way the economy has been going, she can't afford to maintain the programs. This is so sad for me because we have been going to this place since S. was 15 month's old. It has been such a part of our lives it makes me sad that it isn't going to be there. We have such an attachment to that place. So many memories, and now it's gone.

After a wonderful Friday and Saturday, the weather has sucked yesterday and today, and will continue to do so until at least Wednesday. I need spring and summer! When the weather is lousy, I feel more down. The sun energizes me. Today we have gone from rain, then sun, then clouds, then rain, then hailing, then hard rain, to sunshine.

I'm embarrassed to say this. Our cleaning lady is coming tomorrow and I feel overwhelmed just thinking about cleaning up toys etc. so she can clean even though I just cleaned when I had a friend over on Friday.

A neighbor had a new baby, and her mom is there helping to take care of the whole family. Wouldn't that have been nice! I got a card from church for a mother/daughter tea. I have no mother and I have no daughter. How'd I get on that list? And I am not going alone no matter what the card reads about me being a mother too. I know their will mostly be mother/daughters there, so I don't need to see it and make myself feel even worse. I am just pissed off about my mom being dead. I need/want her to take care of me. To go to lunch with me, to hang with me. But she's gone and has been for awhile. It still sucks!

Big Boy Bed and Superman Jammies

Tot's new bed which he loves. I have to admit that it's easier getting him into it compared with the crib. I still haven't finished his room yet. I painted a wood train set and fire engine for him complete with shelves. He loves them!

Now compare Tot's bed with S.'s big boy bed. Can you tell the difference between the two? Yeah. We learned our lesson from S. that new furniture and expensive accessories should not be bought for little boys. Poor Tot still has my old furniture in his room. So far he only has paid attention to his bed, but some day he'll figure it out....and we will tell him to talk to his brother!

As long as we're comparing, I have pictures of the boys around the same age, in their 'Superman' pajamas.

S. at age 2 1/2 in his Superman jammies. Tot in his jammies at almost 4.

They both look so cute that for a moment I can forget what brats they were this morning, and pretty much all week! Hubby has been working so many hours that I rarely get a break. I think the kids are probably as sick of me as I am of them. What can you do? With the economy the way it is, I feel like I can't complain. We are very blessed that he has a job, and we know it. It's just hard sometimes, you know?

Babyhood Has Officially Come to An End

He went from this (4D ultrasound at 22 weeks) to:

this...Tot at 3 days ...to

this. Here he is at 3 years old. Where did my baby go?

Tot started climbing out of his crib last week. Multiple times. I was afraid he'd get hurt if we let him continue to stay in his bed. So, sniff sniff, we went shopping for a big boy bed for him. When we told him about his new bed, he didn't seem too enthused. He loves his crib. Hubby and I weren't exactly enthused either. Shopping for S.'s bedroom furniture was awful. We could only find a boy's bed at one store. An expensive store. Not making that mistake again! One store only had two boy's beds, and even they looked ugly and cheap. So you can imagine how much we were not looking forward to it.

The first store we went to is a store that I hate. However, I thought I remembered that they had a good selection, so I was just going to take one for the team if we found one we liked. (This store's customer service ends when you buy something. If something goes wrong, don't hold your breathe waiting for them to fix it!) Back to the point. I was surprised that we didn't find a bed there that we liked. Off to the second store.

We then went to Value City Furniture. Hey, I can hope to get a deal, can't I? No luck there. Then Hubby came up with another store whereupon we bought a bed. I like it a lot. So far. It's not in the house yet.

That night Hubby took one of the sides off the crib, so Tot could get used to having a bed vs. a crib. The crib turns into a daybed, but it would be too small for Tot soon.

My mood has changed from excitement; I can decorate another room, to sadness. My baby is no longer a baby, and now that he'll have a regular bed and no crib, he'll look like the big boy that he is. No more fooling myself into believing we still have a baby in the house. Now I'm officially a mother of two big boys. Now I feel old.

Is It Wrong...

for your child to say I want the music back on, when you turn it down especially since it was Eminem?

Just Plain Old Sad

Last week my husband told me it was time to start looking for a 'big boy bed' for Tot. Tot is still happy in his crib, and so am I, but I know that unfortunately it is time. I have been looking for a red comforter to go with his room for a very long time. I even looked for one for S., and never found one. Well, today was the day. I found a beautiful red comfortable, whose price is even more beautiful. (S.'s Land of Nod quilt was $150.00, ridiculous I know!). Anyway, I also found the last package of Thomas and Friends sheets. They will match perfectly with the comforter. I think God is trying to send a message to me. I need to let his babyhood behind.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I am sad about this, because it is the official end of his babyhood. Yes, I know he's 3 1/2 years old, so he hasn't been a baby in a very long time, but him being in a crib kept the illusion alive. I have this pit in my stomach. There will be no more babiesfor us. And that's what we agreed to. That's what I want. I don't want another baby, I just wantTot to still be a baby. How have any of you coped with your youngest graduating to the big boy bed? I need advice on how to let go.

How can I let THIS go?

7 Random Things About Me

I have been tagged by wait another year, and asked to write 7 random things about myself.

Here goes.

1. I have lived in California twice. My mom's family moved there was one reason, and my dad was offered a job was the other. It's where I started Kindergarten and then Junior High.
2. Due to those moves, I was in three different kindergarten classes, two junior highs and two high schools.
3. Even though I have moved often, I am still a reserved person. Once I get to know you, though, I will talk your ears off!
4. I LOVE home remodels! I have only one room to go!
5. The first thing I thought about Hubby when we met was that he had beautiful blue eyes. Then he started talking. That led to the second thing I liked about Hubby. I thought 'He has a career. And money.' (He knows this.) My 2+ year relationship had just broken up, so I came up with 'criteria' for the next guy I dated. He had to be at least 3 years older than me, education equal to or more than me, have a career, and have blue eyes (I have brown and just love blue eyes!) I know this all sounds snooty, but I had been in multiple relationships where I was older and felt like I had to make all the decisions about things. In both of my 2+ year relationships, the men and I had different interests. We were just different people. Both guys and I believed it was because we had different backgrounds. Gosh, it still sounds snooty!
6. For most of my life I never imagined being a SAHM. When I was in my sophomore year of college, I believe I uttered these words. "Why go to college if all you're going to do is stay home. Hear me laugh now about the 'all' part. In my defense, my mom was a working mom. Part-time and then Full-time when we got older, so I just expected that I would do the same.
7. I do worry that my kids may become my life. That after they grow up I won't know what to do with myself. I worry about not being able to get back in the workforce. And I especially don't want to be like a few of my mom's friends who were SAHMs. Their lives were their kids, so when the kids grew up and had children of their own, they babysat them. Also, one in particular defined herself by kids. If one got a better grade, we had to hear about it. If they got something nice, like a pool, we had to hear about it. Everything of theirs was always better. They always were competing to be the best. I just wanted to be me, so this made me not want to be friends with their daughter.

I Had To Post This; Will Post Tag Next Time I Promise

Place: Psychiatrist's Office

Me: (as my son keeps opening the door) Stop opening and closing the door! You're driving everyone nuts!

Katie

I'll get to my 'tag' the next time I post.

It Always Happens That Way, Doesn't it?

After dropping S. off at kinder., I went to pick up one of Tot's asthma meds. I had to go in the freakin' Wal*reen's because my husband's company has decided to switch the part of the insurance that deals with the prescriptions. Don't get me started on them...Serenity now, Serenity now... Anyway, as I was leaving I saw a woman who looked familiar. It only took me a second to figure out who she was. (That's good these days!) So I tentatively said to her, "Mary???" She turned around and said the same to me. I then remembered that I didn't have any makeup on except powder and lip gloss. Let's just say last night our house became the house of puke and diarrhea, but that's another story.

Now I haven't seen Mary since we were about 19 or 20. We went to junior high and part of high school together. She was the crazy fun one of the group. Jeez, memories of swimming in her pool, movies, etc. etc. As I left, I realized just how weird it is to see people I used to know so well, and haven't seen in over 10+ years. That's another story for another time, though. Let me get back my point It just always seems that I meet someone when I look my worst. I think all you moms out there can empathize with me when I say after a night of vomit and a morning of minor diarrhea, I didn't look my best. Why do I never meet someone when I'm wearing a good outfit and my make up is on. Or when my hair is not sticking up? I'm sure if she meets one of the friends we shared, she'll say,"Jeez, FT didn't age well." Lovely.

Cold/Warm

I walked my son to the bus stop and thought it felt warm. The temperature is a mere 26 degrees. It's crazy to think 26 degrees is warm! Oh, and the sun is out. Bonus! I always feel better when the sun is out. This is what the winter is like in the Midwest!

My New Love

Any of you who are living in the mid-west, Canada too, know how cold and snowy it has been. For example, I don't have to do cardio. at the gym anymore, all I have to do is use the snow blower and shovel. And if you think that couldn't possibly be enough exercise, then you live in one of those 'warm places', where if you receive a dusting of snow it goes down in the record books.

Because of all of this weather, I hate grocery shopping even more than usual. And I HATE grocery shopping. I loathe it. If I could figure out some way to avoid it I would. Enter Life According to Jim. I watch re-runs of it on WGN at 11:00PM. Last week I watched one in which Cheryl, his wife, had their groceries delivered at the delivery charge of only $7.00. That got me thinking. How could I do something like that? Then I had an epiphany. Is Pe*pod still in business? I went online, and lo and behold, they are! I was so excited. (See kids how much fun it is to be an adult!)

I then had to think of a way to get Hubby to agree. His first question was,"How much is this going to cost?" I told him $6.95 for the first delivery, and $0 for the next 60 days. He couldn't believe how cheap it is. They even sell the Oberweis milk that we have delivered, no hormones, antibiotics, and in cold glass-Yum!) I am cancelling that service, so now we are actually coming out ahead. For those of you who like organic products, they have those too. Can you hear the excitement in my words? All I have to do is use my computer, click on the foods I want, and then SOMEONE ELSE SHOPS FOR ME, and delivers it to my door. No carts that have wheels all screwed up. No crabby people. No one banging into my cart or vice-versa. No long lines. No sweating because I had to bundle up to go outside, and the store is so warm inside.

I may only keep the service until the nice weather comes back. Yeah, that ain't looking too good! For now, I will keep assessing how cost effective it is. I love you Pe*pod, and hope to keep loving you for a very long time.

I Couldn't Make This Shit Up If I Tried

A week or so before Christmas, Hubby and our brood were at church on Sunday. I had a few things to do after the service, so there were only a handful of people still around. One of them was our pastor. Our pastor, PT, motions for the Hubster to come into his office. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why. I took the kids down to one of the kids' rooms while they talked. Finally, the natives were getting restless, so I walked them back to PT's office. Hubster walked out with us, as they had just finished talking.

He told me that we'd talk about it later. The kids were in the car with us, and we don't like them to hear certain things. Later that night, Hubster told me that my ILs have apparently been sending him letters every so often, and they had just sent him a new one. Now my ILs do not like our church one bit, and the only time they ever talked to our pastor was when all of the shit was going on between us, and they wanted him to talk to us. To get us to realize the error of our ways. Can you say manipulation???

I had assumed from that time til' now that they had given up. Since they moved down south, watch me do my happy dance!, and the cousins that live here won't get involved, the only person they have that could possibly tell us the error of our ways would be our pastor. Can you believe that now they are using a man of God? And I mean use. They care not one iota about that man. They just want to use him to get to us. How pathetic is that? It has been three years since that fateful day whereupon they demanded to see 'their' grandchildren'. I kid you not. My FIL expected just to push his way into our house. Lovely, eh? They showed their true colors, and scared S. because he could hear Hubby's dad yell at me. For the next week S. was acting out. So MIL and FIL get over it. You screwed up big time. Don't use my pastor or my boys. EVER.

Right before Thanksgiving, Husband's sister did tell us that his parents wanted to see the boys. That we had said after a period of time went by that we'd let them see the boys. What their selective memory doesn't remember was that was only going to happen when/if our relationship was salvaged. And yes, we had assumed some part of the relationship could be salvaged until that fateful day. Hubby simply responded they can't see our kids if we, the parents of said kids, aren't having a relationship with his parents. I mean how confusing would that be. Besides we simply don't trust them with the boys. They have taken S. places that we specifically told them not to take him. There are other examples, but I'll leave it at that.

So there you go. Can anyone imagine just why we don't have a relationship with them? This whole episode with our pastor reiterates who they really are. Master manipulators who will do anything to get what they want. How sad is that.

Feeling Like a Fool

Yesterday night, as I was driving my kids down the usual two-lane highway by our house, I saw flashing lights. No, I didn't hear anything because, apparently, my radio was too loud. Yes, I know that's a big no-no, but the kids were driving me nuts, and I...I just love listening to music. I mean when we bought our van, the thing that made me all giddy with excitement was having the control to the radio on the steering wheel. I thought it was the best thing to happen to me with the exception of getting pregnant with the reason why we bought the van in the first place. Back to the the story. I immediately pulled over, because hey, that is what I was told to do in my driving class from umpteen years ago. Guys, as I saw the vehicle come near me, I realized it was only a snow plow and not an ambulance. I felt like the biggest idiot! I also was incredibly lucky that I didn't get hit.

The night didn't end on that awful moment. Remember I was summoned to jury duty as a standby? Well, I had to call to see if I had to report to the courthouse. I prayed that I didn't because I had absolutely no one who could watch my kids. Well, God answered my prayers because only people whose last names began with the letter F through the letter H were called. I don't even have to call again today. What a relief!

The one thing that bothered me was I couldn't understand what the pre-recorded message said. I couldn't hear it. It was not clear, so I had to have hubby call back to confirm that I didn't have to go.

The lesson I learned from both of these incidents is: number one turn the radio down in the car, and number two turn down the volume on my iPod. I really think most of my hearing loss has come from working out with the iPod being too loud. At times, I feel about 80 years old! ( It is really pretty though, isn't it?)

Another Post About Winter...Sorry!

I just shoveled our driveway. Our driveway is incredibly steep, so if there is any snow or ice on the ground we can't get our cars back in. Today the snow wasn't enough to use the snowblower, but enough that it needed to be removed. On the bright side, I am sure that I've reached my cardio goal for the day! I'm trying to think positive!

My Blogger Anniversary

I cannot believe that I have been blogging for four years already! Read http://finallygettingsomewhere.blogspot.com/2005/01/i-am-so-happy-holidays-are-over.html to where it all began. There are a lot of things that I had forgotten about, so a trip down memory lane was nice. Yesterday I took the boys to a crafting morning at our church. They, mainly S.,
needed to get out of the house! I also needed to, and was able to talk with some friends. Of course, we got interrupted by each of our children, which is really annoying, but it was fun nonetheless. At noon, we each had our 'cup' ready to toast the new year. Yes, it was only 12PM our time, but we were going by Hong Kong's official New Year. Last night we went to my brother and SIL's house for dinner, etc. We got home close to midnight, so the boys went to bed very late, and were total bears this morning! They are presently napping. It better be for a long time. I can't stand when my kids are whiny and defiant. At any rate, Happy New Year to you all!!!