I tell you, I always think to myself that I am doing very well this time of the year. Sure I'm a little cranky, a little low, but that has nothing to do with the time of the year, I say. Yah, right. Keep dreaming formerteacher, keep dreaming!
Today my wonderful babysitter came ALL day, so I was able to do the million things that I had on my list. I was able to make my Vacation Bible School Meeting on time no less. Note to self: do not always say yes. I am starting to freak a little by all that needs to be done in a short period of time, and that I have to rely on junior high school kids to complete the activities that are planned. Oh, and the age group I'm teaching is preschool. Yah. Let's just say that so far my co-leader and I are the only ones scheduled to show up for Saturday's Volunteer Breakfast! Not lovin' those junior high kids right now.
Afterwards, I tried to take the tot to get his pictures taken at Kiddie Kandids, BRU, and they didn't have an opening until 2PM. Naptime. Great. I took tot back to the house to be with the sitter while I thought I could get some shopping for me done. ( laugh) Yes, again, the kids got something and I got nothing. I feel slovenly lately. Is that a word? I wanted to get something pretty. I should have realized I just wasn't motivated. I am also getting sick of all of the Mother's Day promotions around here. And pissed off because I have no mother to buy a card for. If you sense some pent-up anger in my words, then you are right. I mean can't I accept what has happened, but still find myself downright effin' pissed off from time to time? The only positive this year is that I don't have to go to 'you know who's' house and pretend to want to freakin' be there, when all I want to do is go home and cry.
I'm also feeling a big time disconnect with my husband right now. I think it's just the way life is right now. Hubby works a lot, plays basketball on Monday nights, works out on a few other nights, and sometimes has a work function that he wants to go to. Besides, he seems to not have heard me when I told him pre-o sex is out until he gets the big V, but post-o sex is okay. Please do not tell me I could get pregnant that way. When you've dealt with infertility for years, and charted, used the $200 fertility monitor and charted etc., etc, you know the signs to look for to determine when you're fertile and when you're not. Hubby finally made the appt. for the consult. We may have a regular sex life some day. So conversation, time together, and sex have been a no show lately which leaves me feeling like I have a roommate/best friend instead of a husband. I thought that after busy season, five months worth, we would finally have time together. I told myself to hang on until then. Now I'm just sick of waiting. Tonight he went to a dinner for a co-worker who was taking a job at another division in the company. Usually they have these parties for people who are leaving the company only. Well, hubby was upset that he didn't get to go to the last one since he had to work late, so he wanted to go tonight. What could I say since I had help during the day? Course, I did have the sitter stay later than usual, but again I had to deal with the kids during the worst time of the day for them. Did I mention S. didn't take a nap? Yep, that made for a particularly enjoyable evening, I tell you.
I'm sorry for rambling, but I'm just feeling a bit unappreciated here. I'm trying to reclaim more of myself now that I am no longer procreating. So any clothes that I buy should continue to fit all season long. I'm working out, and not just to lose the baby weight and then gain it again. I can finally start planning for the future. I don't intend on staying home for a long time. I have a plan, but when can I institute it? The more success hubby incurs, the more of myself I lose. Who else is going to take care of the kids? If I didn't stay home, when would they see a parent? I think I'm getting tired of being a single-parent while being married. Sick of being unimportant. Sick of having nothing to wear because I'm not of Abercrombie age, nor am I ready to wear 'mature lady' clothes. I'm in between, which basically means a whole lot of nothing.
2 comments:
((((Hugs))))) Vent away hun. I hope today is better for you.
I'm sorry you're feeling "slovenly"...sounds like a word to me. As for something for yourself...do you all have a shopiing mall close? Try New York & Company. I find that they are fit better for those of us who have had children and our parts aren't in the same place even if our sizes are close to the old ones. They have cute, hip stuff that I love. Good luck!
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