A Letter To My Daughter

To My Daughter(Ava Grace):

All of my life I dreamed of meeting you, of what I would say to you, advice I would give or just the cutest little girl clothes I would dress you in. When I was in the eighth grade, my Language Arts teacher, Mrs. Burnett, had us start writing a journal. I wrote about what life was like for a girl my age so that I would be able to better understand you when you reached the dreaded teens. I wanted to be able to remember that 14 was not an easy age, and I wanted to treat you the way I myself wanted to be treated. I also wanted you to think I was 'cool' ; I no longer have that as a goal. I not only kept that journal, but I have continued to write.

The older I got, the more I thought about you. I was not ready to have a child of my own at that time, but when the time was right, I pictured how cool it would be to have a daughter. I saw mothers with their little girls all dressed up in pretty dresses with bows in their hair, and I knew that was how we would be. There would be a little 'me'. I would never be alone in this world. The funny thing was I never thought you would be my first born. Never. I had an older brother, and I LOVED having an older brother, so I wanted that for you too. I wanted to have a boy first and you second. One of each, a rich man's family as my mom told me. A rich man's family because you needn't try any more for another gender as you already had both. She had heard this as a child.

For years your name was going to be Katherine Grace or Kathryn Grace. I thought Katherine was such a strong name, and I would call you Kate for short. Grace because that was my grandmother's name, and she was the type of woman most women strive to be. It changed when your father and I tried for years to have a child. After I miscarried our first child, I wanted to give you my grandmother's name. I wanted to somehow infuse her strong qualities into you. She was a special woman, and you were so wanted. In my heart, I felt that you were special too, and you needed a name like hers to identify you. Maybe then, you could come into our home. Well, your brother was born and so we used our choice for a boys' name. Before your grandmother died, I had changed your name to Grace Deborah. I told my mother about my desire to have her name in my daughter's name, and she smiled. Nearly two years passed before I was pregnant again. One day I read an online diary, and one woman's daughter's name was Ava. It hit me right then! Ava! Ava Grace! Of course! Ava Gardner was gorgeous, and somehow I just felt it was 'right'. Your father said AGAIN to me,'We made a decision already.'

We found out we were having another son, and that we lost his twin. Maybe that was you. I don't know. I never thought that I wasn't going to have a daughter. It didn't enter my mind. All of my dreams for you. All of my dreams for us. The clothes you would wear, the things we would talk about. When I lost my own mother, I wanted you even more so I could have that mother-daughter bond again.

But as so many other dreams we have in life go, sometimes you have to say good-bye. Good-byes are sad, and I AM sad that we will never meet, but don't worry about me. I feel God has a plan for us all, and there is a reason that He gave me boys. I have come to terms with the fact that I am a mom of boys, and not a mom of both. I just cannot try to have another child. I have to be an adult here. In my heart, I would love to have given another try to see if I would indeed get to finally meet you. But I know that as much as getting pregnant is hard for me, the post-partum period is even harder. Right now I feel great, and it is easy to make a life-changing decision when you feel good, but I cannot take a gamble with my and the boys' lives. Adoption is not an easy process like the celebrities make it out to be either. Financially it would be too much as well. Although we will not openly seek to adopt, if somehow years down the road, an opportunity comes up and we truly feel that God is telling us something, maybe we would be open to it. I can't say never.

It' s time now to pack away the dresses and the dreams that I had for you. Please know that I love you, and would have loved to have had the pleasure of raising you. I am sure you would have made me as proud as your brothers make me. Good-bye Ava. Mommy loves you babygirl.