Days Like These

This week the weather has been nice. It seems like spring has come to the midwest and we are all very happy about it. The beginning of the week was particularly balmy, and the sun was shining brightly. The kids and I couldn't wait to go outside and enjoy ourselves. It's days like these when I look back and reflect on all that I have. In five years I have everything that I have ever dreamed of, within reason. I remember the heartbreak I felt when I realized that having children was not going to be easy for us. There were many times I thought that maybe we weren't going to have any. That thought devastated me. Since I was a little girl, I had always dreamed about having a family. I couldn't believe that maybe that wasn't going to happen for me after all. I didn't understand why we weren't getting pregnant. My husband was going to be the best dad, I knew it! (And he is. Oh how he is!) I knew I'd make a good mom. (I think I am.) It just seemed so unfair. I felt so alone. Betrayed by my own body. Wondering why God didn't want us to have children. Being so angry at him, at everything and everyone.

And just six years later, I not only have one healthy child, but two. Two little blondies. Two beautiful boys who, although they frustrate me at times, couldn't make me any happier than I already am. I am able to be home with them and see them grow each day. It's true that I long to be at work some days, but I know I would have missed so much. Too much. Days like these. Days when the breezes blow warm air in our faces. When the laughter is loud, and the mood is light. Days when my boys give me unsolicitated hugs and kisses. Days when they actually want me to play with them. Days when my husband pulls in the driveway and the kids shout,"Daddy's home!", and we all go inside and talk about our day over dinner. Then it's back outside to play and talk with the neighbors. Days like these are the days we'll never forget.

Below are some pictures I've been meaning to post, but haven't. Below the picture, I've included what it's about.

The Tot sitting still in his chair. Note the burpcloth in his hand. It is his 'blankie'. He takes it everywhere!

Can you tell, based on what he's wearing, that I am having a tough time letting go of the Tot's babyhood???

Brotherly love!

My little baker. S. LOVES to bake! He's really good at mixing the batter, so I let him pull up a chair and stir.

S. loves to pretend he's reading. He now reads to his brother who doesn't know the difference.

And the newest addition to our home...S.'s Morning Routine Chart. He needed a little 'help' getting ready quicker. Yah, I borrowed the idea of a chart from the Supernanny. So far, so good.

Can You Say We Have a Newborn in the House?

The poor Tot doesn't merely have his usual cold-induced asthma. Oh no, not my son. When we do something in this family, we do it all the way. Otherwise what's the point, right? Well, the poor Tot spent Wednesday alternately between coughing and crying, so I took the little one to the doctor. He is now on three different medications, and is being treated for atypical pneumonia. Nice, eh? I feel so badly for that child. I really do. However, part of his treatment includes having a nebulizer treatment every four hours. EVEN DURING THE NIGHT. I must confess here. I forgot just how truly awful broken sleep is. And how even having a decent night sleep doesn't make up for multiple nights of inadequate slumber. Now I remember a key reason why I don't do well with infants: no sleep! That and the postpartum depression, but I believe that lack of sleep has something to do with that as well. It really does feel like we have a newborn in the house again. I thank God every day for my wonderful husband, because I do not do well with no sleep, a clingy and heavy toddler, and a preschooler who's pissed off because it has rained like every damn day this week and he just wants to go outside to play already!

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Yesterday as I was sitting with S., he said to me,"Mommy, we have whores at preschool." Obviously I thought I had heard him wrong. Many times he says new words to me, and I just can't understand what he's saying. Therefore, I repeated,"They have whores at preschool....???" S. repeated as well, "Yes, whores." I'm thinking to myself that this cannot be right. What else starts with an H and sounds like whores? Then it finally dawned on me. "You mean horses, S.?" He looked at me like 'yes, you asshole. Of course horses. What do you think, we're running a brothel over there at Christian preschool. What he actually said to me was,"Yes mommy. Horses." And that was that. So glad that I'm sending my son to a school that doesn't contain a brothel in it. Imagine the questions he's be asking!

***Update on the whole endo. crap---Still spotting and it's like day 8 or 9, but no pain, so I'm not about to look a gifthorse in the mouth. I had pain for three days and it sucked! Hubby is working 11-12 hour days, the Tot is sick with the whole asthma thing to boot, and S. is bored with me already. To make matters worse it is thunderstorming here as I type. Adding that to the other stuff, I also have a Shih-Tzu on my lap shaking. What a baby she is. At least she doesn't talk. Anyway, I think I'm going to have to look into finding another doctor. I so don't want to. It's been a week, and I have called no one. I was really enjoying not having to show my nether parts to doctors and nurses. I was enjoying being 'normal' a lot.

Frustrated

Just a few short hours after my last post, I got my period. So that makes my cycle this month the longest I've ever had. Oh, and the most painful period that I have had since before the Tot was conceived. Prior to conceiving the Tot, I thought that my periods were getting more and more painful because of all the hormonal fertility medications I was taking. Even my RE said that the fertility meds. were likely causing the endometriosis to grow faster, thus more pain. For the past 21 months, I have had pain around my periods but nothing like before. Yah, until yesterday. I do remember just how painful my endometriosis was, but somehow after not suffering from it in the past 2 years I seemed to have forgotten how debilitatating it can be. These last 21 months, Ibroprofen pretty much would take care of the pain. Only one 200mg tablet would do the trick. Yesterday I took a much higher dose which did me no good. Actually, it gave me a stomachache.

I finally gave Hubby a call around 3:30PM. He left work an hour later to help me. Luckily the Tot took an awesome nap, and S. has been very empathetic. He kept asking me, "Mommy, are you feeling better? Are you all right?" Such a sweetie! Hubby even took the boys to church by himself last night for Christian Fellowship Night. S. looks forward to it, and now that he knows his days of the week, he knows his class with his buddies is on Wednesday. Hubby even went to our parenting class by himself. What a guy! When they all got home, S. came up to my side of the bed, climbed up, gave me a kiss, and asked how I was. I tell you, that little boy is going to make a great husband some day!

This morning I did feel better. I am still feeling some pain, but it's more managable. Damn this endometriosis. Now I think I better make an appointment to see my gynecologist, and then ask for a doctor he would recommend to treat my endo. Not that there's a lot of options. However, now that I'm not trying to have babies, my fertility doctor isn't the right doctor to see about this anymore. Besides, the surgery he performed back in February of 04' did nothing to lessen the pain, so what's the point? I need to see a doctor who specializes in endo. Lovely. I am very frustrated. I am also scared. I've been through this before, and I know that there aren't a lot options. My own mother had a hystectomy at 29 yearsof age because of this dreadful disease. I do not want to do that, although that is what my RE told me I'd probably have to do. I do not want any more surgeries; I want to avoid them at all costs. I do not want to take the Lupron injection because of its side effects--see this blog to find out why--, I tried accupuncture, I've taken the birth control pill continuously so I have no period, but nothing offers me relief. Well, the birth control pills helped take some of the pain away, but the side effects from taking them were not good. No sex drive, and off and on breakthrough bleeding with pain just doesn't seem to make it worth taking. Plus, I still have my mom's voice in my head telling me, "Promise me you'll never take the pill." She feels all the years she was on the pill may have contributed to her breast cancer. My head knows that the pill she was taking had a much higher dose of hormones in it, but my heart wonders if maybe she's right. I don't know. All I do know is I don't want to be in pain anymore. I like to go, go, go and not being able to do that really bothers me. I don't want my boys to have to worry about me and how I'm feeling. I want to be a good mom and a good wife. I want to feel normal.

It's a Good Thing He Got a Vasectomy

I have been waiting for my period. I have always been a right as rain kind-of gal. Every 28-29 days, depending on whether I ovulated on day 13 or 14, it would come. The only time I ever had a 30 day cycle was when I was on Clomid. Obviously I am not taking Clomid. The thing is this is cycle day 32, I had to check, and I am still waiting. This is the second time this has happened in the last 6 months. So now I'm worried. Is my body entering perimenopause, whatever that whole phase involves? Or am I going into premature menopause? I mean, how do you even know something like that? I'm only 34; I'm not ready for my body to start changing. I thought I'd finally figured it out. I also am sure that I ovulated. I had it pegged on day 16. After going through all the infertility stuff..the charting, temperature taking, etc. etc..., I am really good at knowing what's going on with my body. Hubby had the old snippity, do-dah, as we refer to it here, back in July. Therefore, knowing again from the infertility, that sperm recycle themselves every 3 months and it's been eight, it is mathematically impossible for me to be pregnant. (No, he never did go to have it 'checked' out, but I figure if 38 million sperm couldn't get me pregnant, I doubt that 2 could!) Although, Hubby and I have been joking about how freaked out we'd be if he hadn't! What do you guys think??? Has anyone else had perfect cycles and then suddenly they went a little wacky. Please, do tell.