First There Were Five, Now There Are Two

"I've become so numb, I can't feel you there. I've become so tired, so much more aware."LP 2001

"One thing, I don't know why, it doesn't even matter how hard you try....I kept everything inside, and even though I tried, it all fell apart, what it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time I tried so hard, and got so far, but it in the end it doesn't even matter. I had to fall and lose it all, and in the end it doesn't really matter.... 'In the End' LP 2001


Four years ago today, I miscarriaged. After infertility, tests and more tests that revealed nothing is wrong, a surgery and then a beautifully unexpected positive pregnancy test. My RE, not the one who helped to bring me my two boys, felt I had not responded well to the Clomid, and actually did the math wrong when calculating the amount of sperm; they said J. only had 8 million sperm instead of 64 million, big difference I know! And I am not a whiz at math, so the fact that I caught it and no one else at that clinic from hell did, well that simply tells you exactly how that clinic was---shoddy at best, criminally negligent at worst. Anyway, I never in a million years thought that clomid/iui cycle worked, so I went about my business and felt sorry for myself.
My husband was the one who suspected I was pregnant; I actually took the hpt to prove him wrong! When I had my blood drawn, and the clinic called to confirm the pregnancy, I can best describe my response as excited as well as numb. Happily, surprised out of my mind, numb. It was great, while it lasted.

I can only say this, I never felt quite right about that pregnancy. I can't tell you why, but I didn't. Not the typical 'I have tried for so long to get pregnant that I can't believe that this is actually going to end in a baby' feeling, but that something was very fragile and I couldn't shake this feeling that said don't get attached.

I went along with the clinic and my blood drawn every other day. For the first week and a half, everything went well. Then ,when they had anticipated my HCG levels at over 1500, we had an ultrasound, and didn't see a thing. The ultrasound tech. said not to worry, the clinic's machines were over 10 years old, so not very precise. They would call this afternoon with the levels.
At 3:00, the nurse called; she said I had to come in again on Monday because the levels had not exactly doubled. They were not far off, but they needed to do another ultrasound to make sure I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy. Yah, THAT was a lovely weekend.

J. went with me on Monday, and we could barely see a thing. Luckily, I went home only a half hour after the students went home, something I rarely did, because that is where I got what still rates as one of the worst phone calls I have ever gotten. The nurse was all matter-of-fact-like; like someone who has never gone through anything remotely like infertility and miscarriage. Let's just say that by the time I called my husband I couldn't breathe. He was 45 minutes away, and was going to leave right away, but suggested I had my mom come over pronto so I wasn't alone. As fate would have it, I caught her right as she left for her dentist appt. Of course, she came right over. This all happened the Monday before Thanksgiving. What a lovely start to the holidays! Just a month prior, we also learned that my mom's cancer was back for the third time. Maybe this all is the reason why I hate this time of the year. I don't know.

The RE's office wanted me to come back that Wednesday for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. Since we knew for certain that I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy, the RE confirmed seeing an intrauterine pregnancy, J. and I felt there was no reason to put me through any more tests. Tests wouldn't change anything. At that point I called my OB/GYN's office and filled out the forms in order for my file to be sent there. I had been with my OB/GYN for many years, and trusted him a lot more than I did the clinic, which was zilch at this point. That clinic was all about money, and even was listed by the ASRM, I think that's right, this year as being one of the few infertility clinics in the country to not report their success rates and other statistics. I'm sorry but when an ultrasound tech. is doing IUIs, that is just wrong, wrong, wrong! BTW, this did not happen to me, it happened to a friend of mine I met months after S. was born. She didn't know this woman did not have the qualifications needed to do this procedure.

The worst part about all of this was that I was in limbo for three weeks. No one could tell me I definitely would m/c, but no one could tell me I wouldn't. Three weeks to the day from hearing that awful information, I miscarriaged at home, on my own. I had spent the day at the hospital waiting for an emergency ultrasound due to brown bleeding. The hospital has a policy that does not allow the woman to see the ultrasound screen. And this hospital is Catholic, therefore since there was a heartbeat, albeit a very slow heartbeat, there was nothing they could or would do. Not that I would have allowed them to; I still had not given up hope. I was told by my doctor to continue taking it easy and to remain on restricted pelvic rest. AKA, no sex, like that was going to happen anyway!

At 9:30 that night I started having the worst back cramps. I knew what was happening. I took two Tylenol and sat back in bed with J. Now I had Vicodin in my medicine cabinet guys, and I still don't know why I didn't take it. I really don't, because the m/c was painful. I just had J. rub my back. I remember I was watching TLC's 'Dream House' with the Cefae's, don't know if I'm spelling that right. The pain didn't last all that long, and soon I went to sleep with the help of a Valium or two to calm my nerves. I could take that now since I knew for sure I had lost the baby. I woke up in a puddle of blood. My wonderful husband changed the sheets and washed them, telling me it was not a problem. Telling me he'd take care of me. He called his boss and went in to pick up some work to do at home. I called my work and had to lie to one of the teachers about why I wasn't coming in. I had to leave lesson plans for the sub. AGAIN. The ironic thing is I just saw this teacher on Friday, and we always hug when we see each other; I eventually had told her what happened that day.

That day I felt relieved that I finally knew what was happening, which direction my life was going. Those three weeks took their emotional toll on me, and I can tell you I have never been the same since. I can also tell you that I have never felt as alone as I felt in those weeks that followed. And being a teacher, I soon had two weeks off for winter break which I was looking forward to. It was very hard functioning and trying to focus and be happy in front of children eagerly anticipating the most wonderful time of the year. Also, having a pregnant teacher in the building wasn't helping matters much. I tried to make the most of those two weeks. I tried to let myself grieve, but it was hard. Did I mention my SIL, brother's wife, was nine months pregnant with their third child? They were very good about everything, but there was really not a whole lot they could do to make me feel better. That was the year my ILs had me in tears because we didn't see them on Christmas Eve, just Christmas Day. Great timing, eh? Real supportive, eh? That was the year that my SIL asked us for three-thousand dollars so she could buy a new car. Yes, as we were trying to pay for infertility costs, no less. Our relationship is much better now, but that day it was not good. As they all continued to fight, and my SIL repeatedly said Merry Fucking Christmas, which was what I myself was thinking, I walked out. Jeff and I went home, and I saw my husband cry for the first time. Sobbing cry; I did the same.

To make a long story short, I found a wonderful, caring RE who helped to give me my two boys upstairs. Unfortunately, I lost R.'s twin, which has been making me feel sad lately. I know there should be S. and two little babies at the tree this Christmas morning and there will be only one baby alongside S. I never let myself grieve that loss because I felt I should be grateful that one of the babies survived, and I am, I am. I just am feeling it lately. I also lost an earlier baby, too. So many dates on the calendar; conception dates, and miscarriage dates, and due dates, and luckily two healthy childrens' birthdays. I just can't forget, though, that I had five babies, and only took home two. I know how lucky I am, believe me I do, but I can't help but feel the loss of those little souls and what their lives might have been like. We never even got to meet each other, but maybe it's better that way. I don't know. I just miss them, you know?