What Depression Is To Me

Underlying depression and I just can't get it right

Underlying depression I've got to fight it with all

of my might

Right now I don't want to be alone

Get my baby on the telephone

Underlying depression

Have to make some concessions when

everything is working right

Have to count my blessings, helps me make it

through the night

I've got love in my life as well as trouble and

strife

And underlying depression

~~Van Morrison~~

Clinical depression is relatively new to me. I wasn't formally diagnosed until after I had my first son. I had a difficult birth, which ended in an emergency c-section accompanied by an awful nurse. From the moment I gave birth, I knew something wasn't right. I was so tired from laboring all day only to have major surgery. The next week I found out that my mother was dying from breast cancer and only had 6-9 months to live. So what was supposed to be the best time of my life, became one of the worst. That was the beginning of my struggle with depression. They called it PPD, but the thing is I am still struggling and my youngest is almost three, so I guess I can't blame it on PPD any longer.

The following are emotions that I have felt at one time or another in my daily struggle with this monster of a disease. If you struggle with depression, I 'm sure you'll be able to relate.

• 
  
  Feeling guilty, in my eyes, for not being a good mother. If I have a bad day, and don't interact as much with my boys, I feel mad at myself. In my head, I know I'm a good mother to them, but it's hard to think that when I am in the midst of it.


• 
  
  Feeling like a burden to my husband. He has enough on his plate besides having to worry about me.


• 
  
  Feeling alone even though I am in a roomful of people


• 
  
  Feeling different from others and ashamed to admit that I suffer from depression. I worry that I'll seem weak to them.


• 
  
  Sleeping too much or not enough. When I experienced the depression with my oldest, I just wanted to be left the hell alone, and I wanted to be able to just stay in bed and sleep all day. With Tot, I couldn't sleep AT all. I was afraid to go to sleep, because that meant I had get through another day.


• 
  
  Taking medications that I never dreamed I would take. First, I never thought I'd take anti-depressants. I also didn't think I'd ever take a sleeping pill. I have done both. My psychiatrist told me I was the first patient who could fight the highest dose of a sleeping pill. When my depression is under control, I have no problem sleeping!


• 
  
  Low energy. Feeling like I'm stuck in mud, unable to make any decisions, even the simple ones.


• 
  
  Losing hope for the future. I feel like I will always be depressed, and will always need to be on medication. Losing hope that anything will ever change.


• 
  
  Losing hope that I will ever be able to feel good for a long period of time without a relapse.


• 
  
  Being scared that my meds. will stop working one day. This has happened to me before.


• 
  
  Worrying that the drug company will stop making the drug that works for me. This happened to me a month before Tot was born. The government forced the company to pull Paxil CR off the shelves due to a defect. My doctor then put me on the regular Paxil. It didn't work, and I believe that is why my PPD was so bad.


• 
  
  Worrying that our good insurance will change, and stop paying for all of my drugs. They cost over $150/month alone WITH insurance. I don't know how we would pay for all of it without insurance.


• 
  
  I feel anger. Anger over having depression in the first place. How come women everyday have babies, and such a small percentage come down with PPD? Why me? Why now?


• 
  
  I feel anger over losing my mom. I needed her then, and I need her now. I'm jealous whenever I see a mother and daughter having so much fun together. I was cheated out of that mother/daughter bond.


• 
  
  I feel like I am in a different world from others. When I have a relapse, the world goes on without me. It's like I'm not even here.


• 
  
  Feeling like a bad friend and relative because I know I don't call them enough.


• 
  
  Wanting to be left the hell alone


• 
  
  Feeling like a failure


• 
  
  Anxiety; major anxiety over every little thing. A few days after my PPD with the Tot started, I had a pedicure appointment that I had scheduled before the PPD hit. I decided to go and see how it went. Through nearly the whole hour, I felt my breathing quicken and the anxiety taking over. I did, however, manage to finish the pedicure. I counted that as a victory. Can you imagine making it through a pedicure appt. a victory?


• 
  
  Feeling overwhelmed, even with the tedious tasks that I have to do.


• 
  
  Feeling like, at times, not being able to take care of the kids myself, or just feeling like I want some help. Dealing with the kids is draining on a good day, let alone on a day of a relapse.


• Grief magnified; I remember going to the cemetery where my mom is buried and crying over her grave that I needed her help. I just sobbed. It still brings tears to my eyes. I had two-week old Tot next to me, because I wanted to show him to her.
• Not wanting to physically be alone; after Tot's birth, Hubby had to take an extra week off of work, because I needed him to be home with me. I was afraid of him leaving. Hubby was home four weeks in total, and I don't know what I would have done without him. Seriously, that man was so wonderful to me during that time, as well as today.
• Crying; after Tot's birth I would just sob ALL THE TIME; this didn't happen after S.'s birth even though my PPD started right away with him
• Thinking, 'If I knew that I would go to heaven, I would end it now.' I was NOT suicidal, but I finally understood why some people commit suicide. My cousin had PPD, and ended up hanging herself because she saw no way out from the pain. I get that now.
• In the beginning, it really irritated me when the doctors would constantly ask me if I was suicidal before they would talk to me. I knew why they had to ask, but it still made me feel , I don't know, badly. Like I officially made it into the 'crazy club', and I didn't know who I was anymore.
• Not wanting to eat; After my PPD started with Tot, I couldn't eat at all. We considered it a victory when I could eat one spoonful of yogurt and a 8-ounce bottle of Cola. When I'm even feeling a tad off my game, I wish there was something that I could eat that would make me feel better. Unlike some people that I know, when I'm feeling low or having a relapse, I can't eat. I lost 30 pounds in a three-week period after having Tot because I couldn't eat. I don't recommend losing the weight this way.
• Not wanting to do anything that I used to do. For example, shopping, having a pedicure .
• Losing my patience easily; quick to yell at the kids for the smallest infraction. This makes me feel so guilty, like I'm a bad mother and wife.
• I've been seeing my therapist for so long, I might as well invite her to Christmas dinner at my house. She's become like a member of my family.
• Putting on a happy face when all I want to do is go home and cry. I often think, 'If they only knew'. I recently had a friend at church say that she thought Hubby and I had it all. I had finally shared what was going on in my life, ands she couldn't believe it.
• Feeling like there is no conquering depression. I now feel like it is a monster I will continue to have to fight all my life. There will be no end.
• Depression has been the scariest thing I have ever gone through.

Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy

to put a happy face on sorrow, the need

to keep on keeping on. I don't know the answer,

I only know that I can't.

-----Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation