Not Crazy Exactly...

"I remember when, I remember when I lost my mind

There was something so pleasant about that face.

Even your emotions had an echo

In so much space.

And when you're out there

Without care,

Yeah, I was out of touch

But it wasn't because I didn't know enough

I just knew too much.

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Possibly."

Narles Barrkley, 'Crazy'

For the past several months, I have been feeling a little down, irritable---oh how irritable I've been!, and frankly pissed off. The anger that I worked so hard to get rid of was coming back.

It all started when Hubby was having a hard time at work. He was working lots of hours and was very tired and frustrated. Hubby is such a positive guy that when he was feeling like that, it started to make me feel that way too. The thing is I wanted to help him; to make things better for him, but I couldn't. So I began to feel frustrated, and then finally angry. Well, everything is better for Hubby. Some really good things are happening for him, and I pray they continue to do so. For me, though, I seemed unable to pull myself out of my funk.

At the end of April, I had my psychiatrist appointment. I told him I had no energy. After much talking, we decided to just keep an eye on it, and I scheduled an appointment for six weeks down the road. At that appointment, I told him I still had no energy which was problematic to me because I have two energetic boys in my care. He put me on Wellbutrin XL. Oh, the energy that drug gave me! After a week of taking it I started to notice that I was having trouble sleeping, so I stopped taking it. The next appointment he put me on the Wellbutrin that only lasts in your system for 12 hours. That too kept me awake. As all this is going on my mood is dropping. I kept having dreams with my mom in them, and it felt like she was still alive. In my dreams I knew that she was dying, and I tried to spend every moment I could with her. I still have a lot of guilt over what I didn't do for my mother which often manifests itself in my dreams. Needless to say, I was missing my mother like crazy! In the afternoons when Tot sleeps, I am SO bored. This staying at home business can really take it out of you! Plus, my oldest assumes when Tot is asleep he should receive attention nearly the whole time. And when he asks to play Bingo so sweetly, I feel guilty and end up playing it with him even though I would rather do something, anything else. I was just emotionally and physically spent. I was still convinced that I could get myself out of this, though. I mean when I was experiencing the PPD after Tot, I couldn't do much. Functioning was very difficult. This time I was functioning fine. I even went on several play dates and had people over too. I bet that none of them had any clue as to how I was feeling. Seriously. I am very good at covering things up.

Well, last week I attended my therapy session, and I just couldn't hold it in any longer. My therapist knows me; knows when I'm bullshitting her. She really helped me to see that I needed to call my psychiatrist, which I did. He wanted to see me the next day. His determination is that my medication is starting to not work anymore. This happens a lot apparently. Long story short, I am now on a different medication and feeling much better, thankyouverymuch. It makes me wonder, though, am I going to be battling this demon that's depression forever? I mean this started as PPD, and I'm assuming since my 'baby' is two-years old I can no longer claim that I have postpartum depression. I mean I'm not embarrassed really about having depression, I merely want to know if this is going to be a life-long condition. It also freaks me out that medications stop working and no one is sure why this happens. I don't want to be bounced from one med. to another, but what is my choice?

The good news is that I'm not constantly feeling like I'm going to bite some one's head off, and struggling to hold it inside. My boys aren't pissing me off as much. I'm happy with my husband and his job currently. I actually have some patience. Plus, Hubby and I have talked about going away for a weekend soon. Oh, how necessary that one is! I have never spent two nights in a row away from the boys. If my mom was alive, we certainly would have, but because she isn't I don't have anyone to watch the boys. I'm happy to say life is good right now, and I'm no longer crazy. Oh, how I hope this feeling lasts for a very long time!