Yesterday I started thinking, well CONTINUED to think, about how much our lives are going to change very soon. Then I thought about how it almost didn't happen; how we almost never got the chance to bring another child into this world. It was close guys, very close.
A little over a year ago marked the first anniversary of my mom's death. Just a few days later I went in for my pregnancy test for our last IUI cycle. If this cycle did not work, we were going to take a break for a few months, and then do an IVF cycle. Just before the day of my test, we found out Jeff was going to a conference in Malaysia in July, which happened to be the month we thought we would do our first IVF cycle, if necessary, course I prayed that it wouldn't be necessary. So now July was out, and the clinic originally had planned to close the lab in August for 'cleaning.' Now I really prayed even harder that this cycle had worked. Waiting is always hard, but waiting for three months seemed cruel. Plain cruel.
I went in and gave my blood, with my sweet little Clomid/IUI toddler boy in tow. I still cannot believe that all it took was Clomid to get pregnant with Steve and it took IVF this time. Ain't infertility a lot of fun?! That afternoon I got the phone call. Now I usually handle bad news surprising well, at first. I do not like to show emotion to people, particularly those whom I am not related to. I detest pity. However, when the nurse told me the result was negative AGAIN, the tears just rolled down my face. I don't know if she could tell, but it still bothered me. I mean I had no control over my tears. No control, and I just hate that. The frustration of the past year, the surgery that didn't relieve my endometriosis pain and didn't improve pregnancy rates, the countless Clomid and injectible cycles, the disappointments, missing my mom like crazy, I just couldn't hold it in any more. I thanked the nurse quickly for the results and hung up the phone. And then I waited to get my period which I knew would only bring me pain due to the endometriosis. I remember writing in my journal, "What did I do to deserve this?".
Well, my period did arrive, and the pain was so bad I needed to take Vicodin. When I need to take a narcotic I will not allow myself to be alone with my son. Therefore, my wonderful husband took Steve to my brother's, who is a SAHD. I could not thank my brother enough. I don't like to ask for help, but I just couldn't take care of my son. The next day I felt that I would be better. I had previously offerred to take my brother's 2-year old for him so he could go on my other niece's field trip. Good thing my brother didn't believe me, and was able to find someone to watch his daughter. I was able to take only prescription strength Motrin, so I felt I could handle Steve, but definitely not two toddlers. That day PBS became my new best friend.
I called my RE that day and asked to be put on the pill while waiting to begin our IVF cycle. I would take it continuously so I wouldn't get another period, thus alleviating that monthly pain. I also started accupuncture treatments. I figured what the hell? Surgery hadn't helped, and maybe in combination with the pill, I would get some much-needed relief. And I did.
I also got some good news. My clinic would be doing IVF cycles in August after all. I set up all of my appointments and set off on a family vacation to California to see my mom's family. I cannot emphasize how much good it did for my soul to sit with my mom's father and brother, and family and share memories of my mom. She felt alive again to me, and I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. I remember being on the free-way in San Diego listening to the radio looking at the beautiful mountains. The song 'The Reason' by Hoobastank(oops!) kept coming on. 'I finally found a reason for me. To change how I used to be. And the reason is you.' I looked at my son and realized I needed to be present, wholey, for him. I may never have another child, he may hate me for it, but I needed to live in the present. I was able to do that while in California. Unfortunately, it didn't last when we got home.
We had friends over that weekend, and I could not wait for them to leave so I could sleep. I love these friends too, but I was feeling very down, and wanted to be alone. My entire family noticed my mood and talked with me about it. I made plans to stay busy and do things I enjoyed. It didn't happen overnight, but I began to feel better. I stopped seeing my moms group for awhile since I was literally the only one not pregnant. Now this group of woman are wonderful people, but hearing about their pregnancies, something they had that I desperately wanted, just wasn't helping me at all. I needed to take a break, and I did.
Now you would think that I had an excellent IVF cycle. That everything that happened from that point on was positive, but it wasn't. I went in for my pre-IVF bloodwork and received a call a few days later telling me my FSH was 13. Now it had always been 8 before, which is on the high average end as it is, but 13-no. That is just insanely high. I was crushed! And Jeff was in Malaysia, so there was no one to help me off the cliff I was standing dangerously close to. I waited ALL DAY for my doctor to call me back. When he did I plainly asked if it was even worth it to do an IVF cycle, reminding him that our insurance would not pay a dime and this was coming out of our savings. He felt it would be, but of course we wouldn't know for sure until we tried one cycle. Jeff came home from Malaysia a few days later, and also talked to our doctor. We decided to give it a try.
Try, we did. I was put on the highest dose of meds. due to my high FSH level. My RE felt the high FSH level would correlate with a lower than average response to the meds., so we started high with the understanding we could always decrease the meds. I ended up being a 'slow responder'. My RE told me on the Wednesday before the retrieval that if I did not produce any more follicles, I had 8, that he would cancel the cycle. And as promised he was honest about how successful we would be. He said if he cancelled this cycle, he felt it would be indictive of future cycles and he would advise against doing any more treatment. Go home and enjoy your son. I was devastated! He set up a u/s for that Friday, and everything was left until then.
I called Jeff in tears on the way home. I was crushed. When he got home, we talked. I prayed, and began to feel a positiveness spring up. I am generally pessimistic about such things, but I was beginning to feel like it would all work out. On Friday, I was up to 14 follicles. My RE couldn't believe it! He still gave us only a 15-20 percent of getting pregnant, but that was better than nothing.
Retrieval happened on that Tuesday. I ended up with 9/10 fertilizing. Three were the highest grade they can be. So much for poor egg quality like my RE suspected! We transferred all three of those beauties. My RE upped our odds to 40-50 percent based on our embryo quality. I asked him what my problem was then, and he said I may not even have one. To this day I am considered 'unexplained infertility.' No one can tell me why we haven't gotten pregnant the old fashioned way.
I continued to feel positive, which again is very unlike me. Two weeks later I got the call that forever changed our lives for the better; I was pregnant. My HCG level was 479!!! My RE suspected multiples. So I go from almost not making enough eggs to making multiple babies. Wow!
I had one more blood test, and then scheduled an ultrasound. My RE sat Jeff and I down beforehand. He prepared us for the possiblity of triplets. Um, Come again!!! My HCG numbers were that high. In my heart, I did not believe there were triplets and there weren't. There were twins. Unfortunately, we lost baby B.
So here we are, one year later. My second little boy is due to come into this world this week, and I could not be happier. Nervous, scared, excited, and happy. My little boy will have a sibling, something I wanted very much for him. This baby is a true miracle. The doctors didn't think he could be conceived. My RE even said he was going to write this one down. So I have learned to believe even when others tell you not to. When they tell you it probably won't happen. When they tell you not to get your hopes up. I am sitting here rubbing my miracle, and I can't wait to hold him in my arms for the rest of our lives.
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