Monday, January 22, 2007

I Should Know

A fellow mom from my MOPS group, Mothers Of Preschoolers, just lost her dad last night in tragic accident involving bad weather and a truck. I just saw her on this past Friday, and we were joking about how un-crafty we were when it came to the craft portion of our meeting. We are so not crafty that we were moved to the dipping the chocolate pretzels FOR the craft project. I digress. It's weird how we were JUST laughing together and talking about how everything was going well in our lives.

When I received the news, I felt numb. I didn't know what to do. What could I do for her? What could I say? What should I say? Then I began to get angry with myself. I mean I should know the right thing to say to someone who just lost a parent. Why am I sitting here dumbfounded and struggling for the right words?

When I lost my mom there were people who came to the wake, offered to help in any way we needed, and then we never heard from them again. I knew their offers were hollow then, but it still hurt. It still does. I now know it's most likely because they didn't know what to do. They didn't know how to help, so instead of possibly doing the wrong thing, they chose to do nothing at all. They are human, and I have let go of much of my anger over their lack of support. What helped and touched me the most was when people would call out of the blue and ask how I was doing. When people would send a card or invite me over for lunch or just for some company. I was very lonely and gratefully accepted most of these offers. I remind myself of this, and believe that it's better to say or do the wrong thing than to do nothing at all. That's just my personal feelings.

Just this afternoon my uncle, my mom's brother, called and we talked for over an hour. (Both boys were good, can you believe that?!) He spoke of this white cake plate with little ruffles over the top made out of the old milk-glass style. He said that my grandmother used this plate whenever she made a doll cake for my mom or another family member. I told him I thought it sounded familiar. I then went downstairs and found that plate. Another memory. It feels good to have them, but at the same time it makes me feel so sad. I miss my mom like she died yesterday. After remembering our discussion, I decided to make a meal for my fellow MOPS mom's family and to also send a card. Her parents live a couple of hours away, otherwise I would attend the wake. I will 'suck it up', and know that I may say or do the wrong thing, but that I will do it from a good place. Because it is better to say something than nothing at all. It is better to help honor the memory of someone who was very important in a friend's life even if you never met him. It is better to do something than nothing at all. She will have these 'cake-plate' memories that will smack her in the gut when she least expects them, and I for one, would like to help her get through them. Would like to help her know that it's normal to feel a certain way. Losing a parent sucks, but she is not alone. She will go on, but she will never forget her father for a second. Her grief will lessen, but his memory will live on through her. Some days she will feel like she is dying inside because the pain of losing him is so intense, but she will live through it. One day she'll find herself not so sad anymore. She'll laugh and feel joy when she remembers a certain time spent with him. She will go on even though right now it doesn't feel like she can. She will because she's a mom, and that's what we do.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can so relate to this post.... The not knowing what to say, but trying to say and do something, because you learned first hand that something botched is better than nothing tried.

You know... I think you will do better than you think you might at figuring out the 'right' things to do and say. Because you HAVE been there. And that experience is.... well a huge eye-opener.

(((((hugs)))))) to you. Those cake-plate memories get me all the time.

formerteacher said...

Thanks Val, Sue and Kelly:
I know I will think of something. I just hate dealing with death. It always brings back memories of my mom's.

Jen Taurus said...

I updated my blog.