Monday, February 21, 2005

A Few Rants and Such

Today I woke up feeling so tired, but forced myself to go out. Turns out, it helped. Plus, my son was an angel. He let me just look at things, taking my time, without so much as a whimper. No, I did not bribe him, either. This morning I was feeling down, but just some time to look around without a purpose seemed to really fit the bill.

Steve and I went to Tar*et, Micheal'sCr*fts, and B*rder's. I am pleased to announce that I did not impulse buy, which is what I usually end up doing when I am feeling less than stellar about my life. Why the down feelings? I'm not sure. I know I am sick of the pregnancy stuff and ready for the baby. I also know that I am scared to death of the recovery I am going to face once I do give birth to this child, as well as the sleep deprivation. I LOVE to sleep, and Steve has always been a good sleeper, which has allowed me to enjoy that sleep. What if this child is the opposite? Everyone who has a second child has been telling me how their second child gave them all the gray hairs, and is their greatest challenge. I try to tell myself that people LOVED to tell me all their horror stories of childbirth before I had Steve, and how I didn't find it to be as bad as they all said it was. Not a piece of cake mind you, but not something that made me never want to have children again as I was told it would do. My mom told me not to listen to these people; that people love to tell you bad things, and that she believed much of it was exagerrated. So I am hoping it is that way this time too. I am having some anxiety over being a mother of two, but that's not all that's causing me to feel down.

I am bored right now. And I feel guilty that I am feeling less than happy right now. I am also uncomfortable. Jeff has told me to make an appointment to get a pregnancy massage; he will not give me massages. Well, it is easier said than done to make an appointment to go anywhere these days. It is Jeff's busy season, so I am constantly trying to figure out a night that I can go to do anything that I can't do with Steve in tow. Like the more pressing gestational diabetes test. How can I keep a toddler entertained while we sit for an hour? I don't know, therefore I have pushed off taking the test. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have an OB appt. tomorrow and have yet to take that test. I have had the script for a MONTH, what excuse can I come up with? Oh, and I need to take Steve with me to my OB appt. which is scheduled at his most lovely time of the day----cranky time. Which happens to coincide with the time of the day in my doctor's schedule, I'll call it 'Sit on your ass and wait for me as if you have all the time in the world because I am inevitable running behind'. I have to be nice to this man tomorrow, because I need to get a note saying I will be 8 months pregnant at the time the city of Chicago would like me to fulfill my service as a juror. Said trial will be at the Daley Center in downtown Chicago--think place where the ugly Picasso statue sits--and these are federal trials people. Meaning I would likely be part of a grand jury that would decide whether to indict someone on federal charges. I would need to be there a month, which would put me at 9 months pregnant. Which basically would mean that next month I'd go downtown, likely to be excused because I could give birth during the remainder of the trial. Basically, that would be a huge waste of my time and money as Chicago does not reimburse you money spent on train fare, cabs, and food. Oh, and they only pay you $17 for your time. Really makes you want to do your civic duty, doesn't it? And if I would get on a week long trial, I would have to take the lovely, bouncey train to and from the courthouse as you do NOT drive downtown during a weekday. Too busy, and too much money for parking which is not close enough to warrant those prices. Then I would have to walk 4 blocks to the courthouse and deal with what you deal with when you are a juror. If I wasn't pregnant this would not be good either, but being pregnant--8 months to boot---well, the words uncomfortable and bitchy come to mind. And do you really want a hormonal, bitchy, uncomfortable pregnant lady sitting on your trial? One moment I would think, 'Burn the bastard! He made me have to come here today!" and the next I would think,"Oh, the poor man. He was just trying to feed his family when he stole from the corporate giant. Those assholes!" Not good.

Another thing that is making me feel down is my dad may be retiring early and moving to Florida with his girlfriend J. Don't get me wrong, I really like her; I really do. Her husband died a year after my mom from cancer too. J and I have had many excellent discussions about her husband and my mom. It's also nice to have another woman around as I often feel like the lone female. In fact, I have told Jeff that my father better not screw this one up. I really did not like the last woman my dad dated; she was awful. But J just feels like part of the family already. I told my dad that I could see her and my mom being friends; that's a huge compliment BTW. I just feel like my dad moving away would be another loss. I'd be alone up here without parents. My dad just turned 54, so early retirement is just not something I had considered. I will support his decision, though, I just want the man to be happy; he's been through so much.
Jeff's parents already have a condo. in Florida close to where J and my dad would like to live, so that is helpful. Jeff's mom lives in FL in the winter while Jeff's dad works up here. In two years they plan to retire; they are in their 60's. Even though I don't always see eye to eye with Jeff's parents, having no parents around seems lonely. And poor Steve and brother, they will have no grandparents in state. So much for providing an extended family for them to bond with and learn from. I DO, however, have my brother and his family. They only live 20 minutes away, and I am sure they would include us in all their holiday gatherings and such, but it's not the same. Just seems so lonely. Jeff and I have always wanted to move to California; part of my mom's family lives there, so maybe we will. We won't have much to keep us here. Certainly not the weather! I lived in CA when I was a middle-schooler, and I never wanted to move back here. I am a true mid-westerner at heart, but I also like warm weather. Too bad CA is so expensive! I know we won't be able to afford a house like ours out there.

Just one more thing. I am feeling angry about having to take Steve with me to every medical appt. Jeff never has to. He can always go to his appts. by himself. He doesn't have to bring snacks and books and Elmo everything to keep a young boy occupied so people don't stare at him and declare him a bad parent. I truly have had to find a sitter so I could go to a dentist appt. that I scheduled 6 months before for an EVENING appt. that wasn't during busy season. Why you ask? Because my hubby had basketball that night, and you know, the team depends on him. So I guess my teeth can decay as long as Jeff's obligations are met.

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