Out on the Town

Jeff and I went to dinner tonight......ALONE! It was so nice not having to share my food with a toddler, or having to cut up someone else's food! It was also VERY nice to be able to have a conversation with my husband that wasn't constantly interrupted. We were also going to go to a movie, but I didn't get much sleep due to my little man kicking me at midnight repeatedly. The kicks are starting to hurt; I had forgotten about this stage. Oh, it's lovely!

Usually Jeff allows me to sleep in on Saturday while he takes care of Steve. I cannot tell you how much this helps. Well, today Jeff was doing a mission project for our church. My husband, the man who hates painting more than anyone I know, had to paint trim inside a house for 5 hours! Well, he didn't HAVE to; he chose to. He could have given a few hours of his time and come home. Instead he got to the home at 7 AM and left at noon. I was beyond exhausted when he came home. I was also angry, resentful -whatever, that he was gone for half the day helping someone else when I really needed his help. I felt he should go for a few hours and come home. Did I tell him this? No. How passive-aggressive is that? And since this was a project for CHURCH, helping people who are in a lot worse shape than we are, well, I felt like such a bitch for complaining at all. I could not bring myself to complain to Jeff, because I felt I was being selfish. I mean it wasn't like the man spent half the day golfing with his buddies. He hates painting, so he was probably getting no thrill from doing it. But still, I was jealous and angry. Angry that I was at home AGAIN by MYSELF with Steve. Jealous that Jeff can always say yes to outside activities because he knows I will be here. No asking if I'll be home from work on time, so he can go out. Angry that I always tell myself Jeff does so much for Steve, therefore he DESERVES the time out. I mean he WORKS all day. As if I don't. I did put my foot down, nicely, to him meeting some co-workers after work at a bar a few weeks ago. He was already going to be gone 2 nights that week. One being his weekly basketball game and another being an eye appointment. I was just having a lousy week, and felt being alone all day/night and taking care of Steve by myself for another night was just not something I could do. My endurance had run out. Oh, and I am also angry that society puts such a low value on SAHMs. At Jeff's work party last week, when I was asked what I did for a living, and remarked "I stay at home with my son", I could feel the boredom wafting from their bodies as they tried to find someone more interesting to talk to. My status as a woman dropped. It's as if I have no life in corporate people's minds. They look at me as if I am some spoiled diva who gets her hair and makeup done for her, and has a weekly massage. Nope. Maybe their wives do, but I don't. If I could reasonably afford it, I would have someone come to my house for a few hours twice a week. However, I would not hire a full-time nanny like their wives do. I am going to raise my children. I am home to do that. If I were working, I'd need childcare, but since I'm not, I believe I should be raising my child. A few hours with a sitter would actually do my sons good I think, but why stay home if you're going to hire a nanny anyway? The wealthy in our area do just that, and I don't understand it. And that is why I get so pissed when I get looked down upon for being a SAHM; like I have it made. I don't have to work. Well, being a mom is work period. It is so hard sometimes. I do admit that my brain feels like mush some days, and that I long for a weekend, yes a whole weekend, with my husband sans kids. But I would not trade being a mom for anything. It's just I wish the division of labor was fair, and I wish I was given the respect I deserve. I am sorry if this post is jumbled. My baby boy is presently rolling, AKA really hurting his mommy, so I can't think straight. I want my body back, I want my body back, I want my body back! And I want to hold my son NOW!