Of Which I'm Not Proud

Yesterday, I had a hard time. The day started out with all of its cold weather splendor. S. was happy that we would be able to go to his storytime class that had been on its spring break hiatus. The weather looked so bad, that I didn't know if we'd even be able to go. And we ALL needed to get out of this house! We did end up going, but it was a bad start to the day.

After lunch I went to the gym. Being that my period is due any day now, and with last month's lovely endometriosis pain looming over my head, I have decided to see if exercising intensely will provide any relief. Believe me, I will kill myself exercising if it means I can move without being in pain. It looks like Hubby will have to work the weekend and past the boys' bedtimes the rest of the week, so I need to do something to help me get through this month's bloodfest. Well, I did very well at the gym, however I ended up very tired and very sore. Who knew? Anyway, my PMS this month is just awful. I know this is largely due to Hubby working so late, but knowing that doesn't help.

Hubby didn't end up calling me in the evening at all, so I called him. I wanted to find out how late he had to work. After trying to chop up onions, green peppers, and celery, as well as browning meat all while the kids are being maniacs had tried every one of my last nerves. I was tired, sore, and pissed off beyond belief at all of my boys. Now I knew in my head that none of this was Hubby's fault. I knew that he would as soon be home than at work reworking numbers until late in the night. I knew this all, but I couldn't stop myself. I picked up the phone at 6PM, and asked when the hell Hubby's work was going to let him come home because if it wasn't soon, one of us was going to be dead when he got home. I was done. I was through with trying to make a good dinner for the boys, and having to listen to screaming and whining in return. I was tired of trying to keep the house clean, clothes washed and put away, making sure each child got time with mommy, picking up after the dogs and making sure they got fed, and so on and so on, BY MYSELF! When Hubby didn't say anything on the phone, scared of saying something to further piss me off I'm sure, I told him that since he wasn't going to talk, I was letting him go. Don't you wish you were married to me?!

All the while, I knew none of this was his fault, but I couldn't stop myself. It was like I was possessed. Possessed by the evil PMS hormones. Normally, I think very hard about what I say to Hubby when he is at work. I know it hurts him that he's not able to spend much time with the boys even on a good day. I know when S. talked with him on the phone, and said to him,"Daddy, you having dinner at work again?", it made him sad. It makes him sad to think about all that he is giving up by working a job that requires so much of his time. As we were going through some old files the other day, he found a birthday card that he had given me our first year married. In it he wrote, "I am sorry that I have screwed up your special day by having to work so late....I am going to try to find a job that allows me to make family time more of a priority." He left public accounting for that very reason: to allow more time with our family. What happened? Infertility, bills, and getting used to a certain amount of money have all added up to no time doing the one thing we wanted most of all, spending time together with our children. Hormones or no hormones, that much is true.

I can still feel those hormones churning away in my body. In 20 minutes, it'll be time to pick S. up from preschool. Great. It's not that Tater Tot is easier really, it's that he doesn't talk much. On the other hand, S. never stops talking. And he's full of attitude lately since he hasn't been able to play outside and expend some of that energy. We're like caged animals over here. Have any of you 'lost it' due to good old PMS or am I the only bitch out there? I feel so badly for my husband. I'm usually a good wife and mother, but this week I've sucked.