Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Back to my mom. After we had lunch we picked out flowers for my mom's grave. Hubby was so great. He took the boys away from the grave so that I could have some time alone. I needed that. In past years I have been fine. No tears. This year, however, the entire month of April has been rough. I don't get it. I cried the whole time I was there. Not sobs, but I still cried. Of course, I made my usual joke when in an uncomfortable position. I was wearing my Sevens, and I said to my mom,"Yes, I am wearing a $150 pair of jeans while I sit in the grass." That was a throwback to my days of wanting Guess jeans. Some of you may remember them. They had the zippers on the ankles. Oh, how I had wanted those jeans! Her response was,"I don't even spend fifty dollars on a pair of jeans for myself!" She thought it was ridiculous paying that much money for a pair of jeans. I'm sure she would have had a field day with my new jeans! I did get that pair of jeans. I babysat until I had enough money to buy them myself. Anyway, I put the flowers in the vase that is attached to her grave, and walked back to the car.
My oldest son said perhaps the most beautiful and helpful thing to me as I got into the car. He said,"I bet your mama, Grandma Debbie who's in heaven with God, loved the flowers." Doesn't sound like much, does it? To me, hearing my little boy talk about a grandmother he never met, knowing finally that she was my mother and that I am sad because she's not here. Well, that meant the world to me, and I smiled the first real smile I had all day. My mother was right. Your kids get you through. Your kids really do get you through.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Lately, I have been feeling kind of stuck again. It has been rainy for days now, and I feel so bored. We can't go anywhere after lunch because that is the Tot's naptime, and we don't mess with naptime around here! Basically, S. and I are confined to the house after 1:00PM every day. We have painted everything you can think of to paint, including clay flower pots. I have even hung foam summer shapes that we painted, from the ceiling. In our playroom only, I assure, but still. I am sick of play-dough, board games, coloring, you name it. Been there, done that. This weekend is also the 4th anniversary of my mom's death, so I am hoping that my attitude is centered around that event. If not, I have my lovely psychiatrist appointment on Monday, so I can tell him all about it. Did I mention that my original psychiatrist, the one who went through PPD herself, is and I quote here,"No longer with us." Did I also mention that the certified nurse practitioner that I see for my general health has left her practice too? Oh, and my original therapist left last May. So in one year, pretty much everyone has left the practice that I was seeing. Which leaves me to wonder: is my attitude contagious?
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
We also have four kids, three boys and one girl, that live next door. These boys are older than S. by several years. A few weeks ago, Hubby found rocks being thrown at S. Then last week, there seemed to be some not so nice talk going on. I went out there, and the boys invited S. over. Since Tot was napping, I walked over with S. I stayed with him since the boys are older, and there had been prior disagreements. S. had a very nice time. The boys were very welcoming. When it came time to leave, I told S. he could stay in our backyard and play while I got the Tot up from his nap. Again, I find things being thrown, my son, and mean words being spoken. When the boys told me S. was throwing rocks and water at them, I spoke to S. and then to the boys. S. told me they were being mean, and I told him to come and get me, not to throw things at them. We never throw rocks. Then I told the boys that if S. was bothering them, then they should move away from the fence. If he is bothering them so much, they should not stand on a chair so they could see him over our six foot wooden fence. I mean if someone is bothering you, you wouldn't stay right by them by your own free will so they could bother you some more, would you? Besides, they are four and a half years older than S. Anyway, we like the parents of the boys very much, and I believe the boys are basically good kids, but they aren't being kind to my son. Today, they are back at the fence, and unkind things are being said. I told S. to not talk to them today. He could stay outside, but no talking or playing with them, since they aren't being nice. Lovely.
My point here is that it breaks my heart when I see my son so upset. Upset by kids picking on him. He justs wants to play with other kids. Wasn't it just yesterday that I brought him home from the hospital and could control his whole day for him? Now that he is out in the world by himself I can't control everything. I can't control what other kids will say to him. I know my son is not an angel; I know this. But, still, it breaks my heart to hear that a child doesn't want to be friends with him, or another child say he doesn't want to play with him. S. is very sensitive like his daddy. My husband tells me what happened to him as a child, and I don't want that to happen to S. But what can I do? How do you stop kids from picking on your son? What do you tell your son to say or do in situations like that? When do you know to step back and let him deal with it on his own? S. is my first child, and I am learning from him. I just hate having to learn this; it breaks my heart.
How could anyone not love this little guy?
Friday, April 20, 2007
I guess it doesn't matter how hard we try to perfect, whether it's being the perfect mother or daughter or both. The truth is that we are human. Part of the reason I love my husband so much is that he isn't perfect, nor does he try to be. He is open to learning and changing if that is what needs to happen. I envy him this. I don't know if it's merely being female that lends itself so closely to feeling the need for perfection. The men I know do not seem to have these problems. Me, I have wanted to be the perfect mother since the time I first conceived. I have always wanted to be the best in everything I tried. Sometimes I feel the need to be perfect has paralyzed me. I'd rather not try something new because damn't, I just don't have the energy it would take to attain the highest level of whatever it is.
I think that's one reason why I am so hard on myself regarding my mother. The other being that my mother was so selfless herself. She was always described by others in words such as: good, positive, giving, motivated, nurturing, selfless, determined....and the list goes on. She was also a nurse. Taking care of people was what she did. I struggle with that. Taking care of people does not come naturally for me. So, of course, I am hard on myself when it comes to her care; of what I could have done better. At any rate, I admired my mother, and strive to be like her, but I'm not her. And maybe I put her up on a pedestal so high that there is no way I could even achieve that level of perfection. Who knows.
All I really do know right now is that I'm feeling somewhat better. There were so many things going on this week that were bleak that they just added to my mood. Today, though, at a doctor's appointment, I asked for a script for a mammogram. I haven't had one since my baseline four years ago. I am supposed to have one every year, but since I didn't feel like dealing with the whole breast cancer topic I avoided having one. So there you go. Progress. Now I just have to call to make the appointment.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Hate me today
...In my sick way I want to thank you
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
April is dead mother's month for me. My mother died in April four years ago, and my life has never been the same. I miss her so much sometimes that I can barely breath. Most times I make myself think of something else because it hurts too much to think about how my life would have been had she never died. I was only 30 years old when she died. She was only 51. I feel so cheated by her being taken from us. I finally had my miracle baby; he was six months old, and she was gone. I needed her then, and I need her now. I see daughters with their mothers, and I am jealous. It hurts so much, and I feel so alone. During the afternoons while the Tot is sleeping and S. is playing by himself, I think about her. I think about how much they would have loved her, and how much joy they would have given her. My brother's two oldest children got to know her, but not my kids. S. even gets my dad's wife and my mom confused. He doesn't understand that my stepmother is not my mother. When I ask him where Grandma Debbie is, he points to the sky and says"Up in heaven with God." That breaks my heart. She was there for his birth; the first one of us to hold him, and he doesn't even know who she is.
My mom the last Christmas Eve that she was alive. She is holding S. who was 8 weeks old at the time. She gave him that outfit. My dad is next to her. She looks so pale in this picture now, but on that day we all thought she looked so good.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
S.'s gift from us. He loves this game. We love to read books by Eric Carle, so I felt S. would really like this game. He does!
This year, we are all sporting long sleeves, and I am no longer wearing a dress. Every year I try to make Easter the one holiday in which I don a dress since, in theory, it should be warmer than any of the others. This year I gave up when the week's temperatures were lower than those in December. I tried to be festive by wearing a bright sweater. And yes, I made my boys wear matching outfits. They can be mad at me later. I think they look cute!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
After lunch I went to the gym. Being that my period is due any day now, and with last month's lovely endometriosis pain looming over my head, I have decided to see if exercising intensely will provide any relief. Believe me, I will kill myself exercising if it means I can move without being in pain. It looks like Hubby will have to work the weekend and past the boys' bedtimes the rest of the week, so I need to do something to help me get through this month's bloodfest. Well, I did very well at the gym, however I ended up very tired and very sore. Who knew? Anyway, my PMS this month is just awful. I know this is largely due to Hubby working so late, but knowing that doesn't help.
Hubby didn't end up calling me in the evening at all, so I called him. I wanted to find out how late he had to work. After trying to chop up onions, green peppers, and celery, as well as browning meat all while the kids are being maniacs had tried every one of my last nerves. I was tired, sore, and pissed off beyond belief at all of my boys. Now I knew in my head that none of this was Hubby's fault. I knew that he would as soon be home than at work reworking numbers until late in the night. I knew this all, but I couldn't stop myself. I picked up the phone at 6PM, and asked when the hell Hubby's work was going to let him come home because if it wasn't soon, one of us was going to be dead when he got home. I was done. I was through with trying to make a good dinner for the boys, and having to listen to screaming and whining in return. I was tired of trying to keep the house clean, clothes washed and put away, making sure each child got time with mommy, picking up after the dogs and making sure they got fed, and so on and so on, BY MYSELF! When Hubby didn't say anything on the phone, scared of saying something to further piss me off I'm sure, I told him that since he wasn't going to talk, I was letting him go. Don't you wish you were married to me?!
All the while, I knew none of this was his fault, but I couldn't stop myself. It was like I was possessed. Possessed by the evil PMS hormones. Normally, I think very hard about what I say to Hubby when he is at work. I know it hurts him that he's not able to spend much time with the boys even on a good day. I know when S. talked with him on the phone, and said to him,"Daddy, you having dinner at work again?", it made him sad. It makes him sad to think about all that he is giving up by working a job that requires so much of his time. As we were going through some old files the other day, he found a birthday card that he had given me our first year married. In it he wrote, "I am sorry that I have screwed up your special day by having to work so late....I am going to try to find a job that allows me to make family time more of a priority." He left public accounting for that very reason: to allow more time with our family. What happened? Infertility, bills, and getting used to a certain amount of money have all added up to no time doing the one thing we wanted most of all, spending time together with our children. Hormones or no hormones, that much is true.
I can still feel those hormones churning away in my body. In 20 minutes, it'll be time to pick S. up from preschool. Great. It's not that Tater Tot is easier really, it's that he doesn't talk much. On the other hand, S. never stops talking. And he's full of attitude lately since he hasn't been able to play outside and expend some of that energy. We're like caged animals over here. Have any of you 'lost it' due to good old PMS or am I the only bitch out there? I feel so badly for my husband. I'm usually a good wife and mother, but this week I've sucked.
Our poor tree started to grow its leaves back amongst all of the warm weather of two weeks ago, but now it seems stuck, not knowing what to do.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Hubby's dad used to have him do not only their tax return, but also their friend's, Mr. K. Well, last year Hubby didn't even do his parents' return, but Mr. K. still asked Hubby to do his. Now Mr. K. has owned his own business for many years, so this is not a super easy return to do. Plus, Hubby being out of the public tax sector hasn't kept up on all the latest tax rules. It could actually be costing Mr. K. NOT to have an accountant of his own, because Hubby might miss something. Now this man also never paid Hubby to do his return, but would instead give us a gift certificate. Yah, Mr. K. definitely saved money by not hiring an accountant.
Well, we never heard from Mr. K. this year, so we figured he wasn't going to ask Hubby to do his return this year. Phew! Oh, how wrong we were! He called TWO weeks before the April 15th deadline. TWO WEEKS! He just expected that Hubby would drop whatever he had to do just to complete Mr. K.'s return. I mean, come on, the deadline is the same every year. I think it's just plain rude to wait until the last minute to ask someone to do something for you. It's like he just assumed Hubby would do it, and that just aggravates me.
Hubby got home at 9PM last night, and we were both exhausted from our days. Hubby said he didn't know what to do about Mr. K.'s return. When would he find the time? I told him not to worry about it, that I would take care of it. Now I am not a confrontational type of person, but when you upset one of one boys, watch out! I also told Hubby that they already think I'm a bitch, so what's the difference? What's he going to do, call Hubby's parents??? We're not talking to them anyway. What do we care? Hubby didn't need this extra thing to do; he's not going to see the boys this whole week as it is!
This morning I called Mr.K. and told him that Hubby is no longer doing personal tax returns, and is working too many hours to complete even his, Mr. K.'s return. I was waiting for him to say something, because I am angry about the whole situation as well as about all of the hours Hubby is having to work currently. Oh, and did I mention this is PMS week. Yah. All it would have taken was one word out of that guy, and I would have let him have it. It actually would have felt good; I have been wanting to have a fight with someone over this hellish week. To my surprise, he said nothing. In fact, I had to be the one to even say goodbye. And I did. So now Hubby is done with that return forever. Please don't think we don't like to help people out, but have some common courtesy. Don't call and just expect things. When did people get so rude?!
Monday, April 09, 2007
***If I owe you an e-mail, I will try to e-mail you sometime this week. I only have about five zillion phone calls to make as well as a meeting to attend Wednesday night. UGH! Did I mention Hubby is going to be home tomorrow after the boys go to bed. I cleared this with him weeks ago. I guess they'll be coming with me. Oh, goody!
Friday, April 06, 2007
The restaurant we chose had a lot of families dining in it. Our dinner was spent listening to other people's children scream, and watching one particular father look at the child's mother and shrug his shoulders, and hand said child back to her. Hubby was pissed because he said it is fathers like those that make all fathers look bad. And the night didn't get much better. To be honest, if that kid wouldn't have screamed, I don't know what we would have talked about that evening. We are so boring. The only thing that got my Hubby interested in a conversation was asking him specific questions about work. His work. When we go out, I try very hard not to talk about the kids. We need to have more in common. We used to. We used to talk about sports, art, history, and the like. Now, who has the time to go to museums, galleries or read a thick historical book?
To be fair, we were both tired. Sleep is a rare commodity around here. Let me clarify that. Enough sleep is a rare commodity. Plus, since it was warm out, Hubby decided to tear down all of our bushes on the side of the house. Yah. I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that others are at a lack for conversation when they go out with their husbands.
Tonight we are going out to dinner, just Hubby and me. I am actually thinking about having a list of topics thought up so there won't be that 'lull' in our conversation. Just think, only16 more years until the boys are out of the house. Only 16 years to come up with something besides the boys to talk about, or else I guess we'll be two old people just staring at the wall.