Goodbye WAS the Saddest Word

Today marks the third year since my mother's death. Three years. I can't believe it. In some ways it feels like forever ago, and in others, I can still hear her voice like she is right next to me. As I have said before, my mother was my best girlfriend. She and I were so close, that our mannerisms were identical. Her best friend says I look and act so much like her, it scares her at times. Now if you looked at a photograph of us, you would not think we looked alike at all. However, when we were together, the similarities were most recognizable. I didn't see it for years, but always took it as a compliment when someone told me I looked like my mother. My mother was beautiful inside and out, but as a teenager I wanted to LOOK like her. Blond hair, blue eyes and a tremendous figure despite having two children. Sometimes I have to remind myself that she was able to look like that because she had her last child at the age of 21! As I have come to find out, losing weight was easier in my 20's than 30's! At any rate, my mom was everything to me. When she was diagnosed with cancer, I wondered what I'd do without her; I wish I hadn't had to find out so soon.

Tonight, I just can't relive her last months, weeks, days of life. They were just too awful. How could someone so full of life, be forced to suffer so long?! Indigo Girl's brief explanation of what is occuring to her own mother right now is pretty much like my mother's final moments on earth. Too sad to put into words. So unfair, so inhumane. If I didn't have my faith, I would have lost it a long time ago. Was I mad at God? Yes. Am I still mad a God sometimes? You bet. We have conversations from time to time:) Like I said to my mother, when I, hopefully, go to heaven, me and the 'big guy' have some things to discuss. And we do, believe me. I believe, as my grandmother did, that everything happens for a reason. I just haven't been able to come up with a reason yet.

I will tell you that I am much more outgoing now than I was before. I don't have my mom to lean on anymore. I have to do the seeking of things, I don't have my mom to rely on anymore. She was just 51 years old when she died. I get so jealous of people who still have their grandmothers in their lives. My mom's mother died May 7th, 1981, when I was just 8 years old and she just 57. I loved her in the way I loved my mother. I don't have my mom or my grandmother. It doesn't seem fair, does it?

I tried to post a picture of my mom from three months before she died. She has my son S. on her lap. The strange thing is we thought she looked SO good that day. Now, to me, she looks like a mere skeleton of the woman I once knew and loved. Our scanner is history, so I have no other pictures I can share. I wish I could show you pictures of when my mother, well, looked like my mother. Sadly, this is all I can share with you right now. I'll try to post it separately. I have also included the lyrics of a song that I used to listen to as she was dying, and then afterwards. Celine Dion sings it, and I feel it is perfect. Unfortunately, the lyrics are in the future tense, and for me, they should be in the past. Thanks for reading.

Goodbyes'(the Saddest Word)
Mama
you gave life to me
Turned a baby
Into a lady

And mama
All you had to offer
Was the promise of a lifetime of love

NOW I KNOW
There is no other
Love like a mother for her child

And I know
A love so complete
Some day must leave
Must say goodbye

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say the word and I WILL cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

Mama
You gave love to me
Turned a young one into a woman

And mama
All I ever needed
Was a guarantee of you loving me

'Cause I know
There is no other
Love like a mother's love for her child

And it hurts so
That something so strong
Someday will be gone, must say goodbye

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

But the love you give will always live
You'll always be there every time I fall
You offered me the greatest love of all
You take my weakness and you make me strong
And I will always love you 'til forever comes

And when you need me
I'll be there for you all the way
I'll be there your whole life through
I'll be there this I guarantee mama

I'l be
I'll be there through the darkest nights
I'll be the wings that guide your broken flight
I'll be your shelter through the raging storm
And I will love you 'til forever comes

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say those words and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

'Til we meet again...
Until then...
Goodbye.