Being pregnant after infertility

As I enter my 24th week of pregnancy, I must say that I am eager for this little guy to be born. On time, not early of course. It just feels like I have been waiting for him forever, and in a way we have. Gosh, we started trying to have him, with the RE, in July 2003. I know my doctor would not want to hear this, but we never tried preventing getting pregnant. We never used any birth control since little Steve entered our lives. I know, I know not a good idea, especially since I had a c-section and the incisions need more time to heal, yada, yada... Truthfully, if Jeff and I got pregnant spontaneously we would've been overjoyed no matter when it happened. I was not looking forward to going through infertility treatments again. Yes, my doctor gave me the birth control lecture, and told me of patients who came back pregnant soon after having a child because they thought they couldn't get pregnant. But I thought if it was meant to be, it would be. I guess it wasn't meant to be after all.

All of my life, I had planned on having two kids. One boy, one girl. Well, reality is a bit different. Two boys is what we'll be having. We WILL be having two kids, which it appeared for while, wasn't going to happen. I feel so blessed that it is! I was re-reading some journals that I had written during my battle with secondary infertility yesterday. For me, secondary infertility didn't hurt as much as primary infertility, but it still hurt really badly sometimes. The world is full of children, and children who have siblings. As the women in my playgroup started to have their second child, I felt so left out and angry. Two women who had primary infertility found themselves pregnant without trying. I couldn't understand why that wasn't me. I was angry that I couldn't get pregnant, and angry that everyone in the group still had their mothers. I guess I felt like I was owed something because of the year I had. I found out I was owed nothing. I dropped out of the mom's group for a few months; I just couldn't bear seeing all the pregnant women who discussed their pregnancies, and announced them right away. There seemed to be no fear of m/c. I suppose if you have never dealt with infertility or miscarriage, you just don't think those things can happen to you.

I did try to keep busy, though. I signed Steve up for swim class, and moved him up to the next level in tumbling. Our tumbling class is a parent participation class, which I am happy about. The first day of the new level class was very hard for me. There was only a handful of us who weren't pregnant. I told myself that I couldn't avoid it, but it was still hard. Well, I ended up meeting a woman who was pregnant with triplets. I felt the chances were pretty high that she, too, had gone through infertility. As we talked, I told her that I was just beginning my first IVF. Thus began a new friendship. She discussed her IVF, which resulted in her 2 year old son, and the IVFs that she went through this time. She told me what to expect, and just made me feel so positive. I needed that. Every Tuesday she'd ask how my cycle was going, and told me not to count myself out when the doctor thought he was going to cancel the cycle. She was excited with me when I found out I was pregnant. She was sad when I lost one of my twins. Yes, I was originally pregnant with twins. It felt good to have someone on my side who understood all I'd been through. When her triplets were born a month ago, all healthy, I was never so excited as I was then, the only exception being when my son was born. Infertility has made me feel isolated at times, but I've also met some incredible people that I would not have met had I not gone through this experience.

It still stings when I hear people get pregnant right away, or when not even trying, but I deal better with it now. I even feel 'normal' at times, which is so nice. I will be happy to leave infertility behind, though. Right now, people have been asking me if I am going to have another child, to 'try for the girl'. Ah...no. It's not that easy for us. Then I get told, 'Well, you may change your mind.' No, we are happy with two, God-willing, healthy children. Does, gender really matter that much? I have been honest about the fact that I would have loved a little girl, but I am happy with my two sons. REALLY. Some people don't realize, or remember, how close we came to having an only child, and the constant guilt I had over that possiblity. So, no, we will have two little, active, energetic boys. And how wonderful that will be!